THE WRIGHT STATE OF MIND

[cptwright 1]

well here i am at my moms now. what a change in my life. but alas what better place to start over again than at my moms the place i grew up. oh whatever it sucks anyway. lol. had a bit of a fight with the wife last night about me taking the tv and leaving her with the smaller one. but i bought it, she neverNEVERnever cared about tv size or dvd's that and i left her all the living room dining room and kitchen furniture. the king size bed, shes been in the house the whole time and will be till its sold, while i lived on my friends couch pinching pennies and not eating so much while i gave her most all of what i made to pay the bills. all in the name of keeping decent credit so i can get a house again someday and to just plain be nice, i never wanted to do her any injustice, even after all she has done to me. after a bit she came around and left it alone, we hugged and parted civil still. i just gotta finish putting away a couple of more things and im set but my god man my mother is already driving me nuts. uuugggghhh, it is coming back forthright the reasons i couldnt wait to get out of here the first time lol. well to go along with my life lately, today me and my sister from her on known as colleen, went to endicott to pick out a coat size for me for the fire dept, my station is buying us all new carhart jackets with a fire dept logo on them, anyway we took her car, it takes less gas than my gasaholic truck. anyway on the way back i drove i enjoy driving her little wanna be sport car import. i got a little frustrated with someone in front of me, got an opening and punched it, and what do you know there was a cop. he got me after "I SPIKED THE BRAKES AND CRESTED THE HILL" at 76 in a 55, just what i needed something else to cost me money and frazzle me some more, not to mention the points on my license going against me getting in, in norfolk. but thank god he said after coming back with the ticket that he didnt want to see my ticket go on colleens insurance, and cut me a break, he gave me a ticket for "obstruction of view" she had a lot of crap hanging from her rear view mirror. i guess with the luck ive had for a while that i should take that as a sign to go get a lotto ticket. lol. when he pulled me over i was ready to just drive off the bridge into the river. uugghh. but i guess it worked out ok. someone just come take it all away please and leave me with some peacefull bliss. well sorry for the long rant tonight have a good one

[Mike 5]

It'll all work out for you cptwright..I once had to move back in with parents during a low point in my life..I'm glad I did..It was worth it and I'm sure you'll be better off in the long run..IMO..Good Luck..

[cptwright 1]

thanks for the encouragement spacetigger. well last night i saw an old friend online that moved to va, i met her i dont know maybe 4 or 5 months ago. we hung out for a week or so, then she moved to VA, last night she was talking, saying that she wonders what would've happened had she stayed here. she says that im the only guy shes met that makes her think that there are nice guys out there. beleive me im not bragging i know im not perfect, and i definatley have my problems, but what i cant figure out is that, well, let me start here, lisa, my estranged wife, always said how perfect i was, how nice i was, and that no one could ask for a better, more caring loving husband, she even supposedly had said this to her boyfriend when he asked if i was some kind of an *buttocks* and thats why we werent together anymore, now onto angel, she said how i was great, too nice to her, wonderful, and so on, then theres what joanne said last night, and there was another girl who went on about how nice i seem to be, and that i deserve so much better than what my wife was doing to me and so on. now i guess what im trying to get at here is, whats up with women? if im so "great"why do they always look for something more, or in most cases just go for the "bad boy" or the jerk thats gonna just treat them like crap anyway? i cant figure it out, according to my buddy i just need to start being an *buttocks*, and ill find a woman that wants to stick around more, and do anything for me. now of course unfortunatley :huh: i dont have it in me to do this. but all you women out there whats up with that? and do you beleive thats true? well anyway im off to a friends for a cook out. PEACE

[Guest Ktrek]

Hey Cap,

 

The problem lies not with you but with Lisa. If she truly felt this way about you and still ran around on you then she is one sick individual. You sound like my wife's idea of a perfect husband but too bad fo you she already has one! :huh: All kidding aside though you deserve better than her and in God's timing the right person will come into your life. Use this time to reflect and grow as a person from what has occured. Whatever you do do not become bitter. I have always said that you have only two choices in life; you can become either bitter or better. I have always chosen to become better. So become better!

 

Ktrek

[cptwright 1]

well its not so much just lisa, its that they all seem to say the same thing. oh well anyway last night i went and played some pool with justin and carly, and lisa called me about 11:00 and talked for about 45 minutes about how shes acting with her boyfriend again, so i had to straighten her out again, just call me matts dating svc, but i cant get one of my own, lol. anyway she also told me that she tried getting him to come over to the house, and one way was telling him that i came over and started arguing with her about something, trying to get him to feel bad for her and come see her, it didnt work, she called me feeling like an *buttocks*, and crying, finally about 12:30 she called me agian, said she just got off the phone with him and its all straightened out again, and she told him that we are friends, and shall remain friends after all is said and done, but of course he didnt say much, but then she told him that i want to meet him, of course he thought oh great, especially seeing how she likes to use me as an excuse to try and get him to come over, but she says shes done with that. god i hope so this guys about 3 times bigger than i am and i dont have a baseball bat handy most times. lol.oh well off to the st pattys day parade today , later. PEACE

[cptwright 1]

ya know even if your having a so so day, or even a good day, it really REALLY SUCKS COMING HOME TO AN EMPTY, LONELY BED.

[removed 0]

ya know even if your having a so so day, or even a good day, it really REALLY SUCKS COMING HOME TO AN EMPTY, LONELY BED.

Like Ktrek said, in God's time you will find the perfect partner. All in due time. Keep up the faith. You shall find someone. I can feel it.

[cptwright 1]

thanks bysty, i know sometime i will, it just sucks waiting. oh well, last night i went to the pool hall and played some pool with my buddies kid justin. man ive gotta talk to rick, i just dont know how to do it, without pissing him off, but hes gotta know hes being a butthead to his kids. i know he and kim are done, he moved in with kims friend. but now hes trying to tell his kids well we think you shouldnt have anything to do with kim, its just not right, she was a mother to him for five or six years, and he loves her, he wanted to go see his step sisters baby the other day in the hospital after she had it, and he said well "we dont think you should go". how can he think that his kids are just gonna turn off feelings for her and her kids like that? last night kim came to the pool hall with her kids, and the new baby, so she could see justin for a few and show him the baby. i heard him say to kim that i am more of a father to him than his own dad, it made me feel good, but at the same time horrible for him, no one should have to feel that way about their own father, or their fathers friend. the last few months when i was living wtih them he wasnt around much, he crawled up his girlfriends butt, so i was the step father. i got quite attatched to the kids, i told him to call anytime he needs to get out or just talk. ya know after last night, and holding the baby for quite sometime while they were talking, i started to feel that my life aint that bad, at least i do have a positive effect on some peoples lives, but GOD now more than ever i really would love to have a child. oh well maybe someday, i hope anyway, but i guess at least i have my adopted kids. anyone here have any ideas how to talk to a friend whose being a butthead but without really ticking them off at the sametime, after all he did a lot for me and was a great friend when i needed one.

[cptwright 1]

well here it is saturday night about 9:00 and im sitting here in my little cubicle with the mutt. waiting to go play some pool with my sister and her boyfriend and some of their friends. sometimes i just feel like what have i become. i have great friends, but for a while now i just feel like "ONE OF THOSE FRIENDS", the ones you just look at with pity, or something, i was with one buddy one day and he was on the phone with another one, and the one didnt know i was there, so steve said hey why dont you invite matt over tonight he's not doing anything, at that moment i just felt different, and weird about being around my friends. dont get me wrong their great and have been there for me, but i just hate feeling that way. feeling like a fifth wheel or something. now i just dont know how to feel when i go up there, everything in my life has turned upsidedown, and im at a point where i cant wait till my house sells, as soon as it does unless something great happens im outta here, VA here i come. i've just gotta try something, i figure a new place for a new start. sometimes i just feel so lost, and lonely. lisa called me today, it was to see if i was going bowling with justin and them or not, i was asked to, but then didnt hear more about it, till she said something, she wanted to make sure i wasnt going because she and her boyfriend were. i know i say i only ever wanted her to be happy, but damn it kills me to see her having a time, and doing things i could never get her to do with me. why is it the one who does the heartbreaking is the one who finds happiness, or a better way so quickly. oh well who ever said life is fair. the last couple of days have been pretty good for me, been keeping really busy, go to work, then go to my other job, then to my buddies to remodel the house. but today just hit me like a ton of bricks again. it probably dont help that ive just been so busy, and not getting enough sleep, then woke up early today to go to work on bobs house, woke up feeling a little ill. i think that didnt help either, i used to have someone to take care of me when i felt like crap, or at least tried to, when i wasnt being stubborn about it, ya know ya gotta go to work anyway. lol. the only time to call in is if your laying in the hospital dying.i guess between waking up feeling crappy then alone, and her calling today just made it hit me hard today. i am starting to have moments of clarity where i know it'll all work out for the best but damn i really hate these moments of feeling so lost. oh well your all probably getting tired of the babling sorry. have a good one people.

 

PEACE

[cptwright 1]

well today, sunday, my day of rest, and finally some relaxation, became a good day for me. i cant explain it, but today i vegged around for a while, didnt wake up till about 130 in the afternoon. watched a movie with colleen, went and bought some clothes, for the first time in 15 years, BY MYSELF. did a little grocery shopping, and played some pool with justin. stopped at the house first to put in some laundry, and said hey to lisa. she went bowling yesterday with kim and the kids, kim is my buddy ricks ex to be. so when i seen justin he was saying, get this, that him and his girlfriend think that lisas boyfriend is sooo much like me, then i called kim to find out about the pictures of me and the new baby from last week, and she said her two girls said the same thing. funny eh, i guess if she cant have me anymore, then someone like me is the next best thing. so i guess im not so bad after all if shes got to find me in someone else. lol. i rediscovered a couple of things tonight too sitting with lisa for a few, she has many issues with herself that she needs to take care of. she gives me grief for "hanging out with kids too much", my sister and some of her friends, and justin and the kids. well my sisiter is my sister, i love her dearly, and i live with her again. justin and the kids, became like my adopted kids, and i like them told him to call whenever he wants or just needs someone to talk too. i feel pretty good about my relationship with all of them, they show me that i am a good person. i feel that kids or younger people are pretty good judge of character or a person, seeing how they see things more black and white, or good or bad, than most "adults" do. i dont think im great or anything but i try to treat people honestly and fairly, and to be there for my friends or family when need be. then theres a couple of girls at work that have been, i dont know i guess quite flirty, granted their only 19 and 20, i feel like a old perv, lol, but its not me its them, i must say though i kinda like it, its a good ego boost when one is feeling rather low. i guess you can say today i had more of a day of clarity. i do enjoy having good days, or at least more positive feeling days, and today was quite welcome in that manor. it also helped to see more of lisa's (I'm trying to say a bad word but can't)y side again today, like giving me grief for starting smoking, and hanging out with young people, just because she's gotta be a (I'm trying to say a bad word but can't)y stiff doesnt mean i have too, i know now more and more that a lot of my pecimistic attitude came from her, and i just need to find a way to be like my old positive self, more on a daily basis. im not a bad person, im a pretty good one actually, and if that was not enough for her for whatever reason or even angel for that matter, i know someday i'll find someone who will take me for what i am and love me for it. and until then i just need to take it day by day and enjoy the time for myself. i am greatly looking forward to spring and summer, i know the beautiful sunny days will be a great help for me. hey even my mood star changed today, from empty to hopeful. today i also did another thing, i stopped myself from being a pathetic person by not doing something that i greatly wanted too, but finally knew it was something i needed to leave alone, ill leave it at that. well goonight, and may the peace and joy in this world find you, and your families.

 

PEACE

[cptwright 1]

well here it is, another decent day. i must say that today has now become a red letter day in my life. besides a couple of small trivial things in the grand picture. i was just basically offered a job in VA. not in the fire dept, the next academy is in mid july. but this one is working for a co. that my uncle in NC works for that is expanding into NORFOLK, its a pretty good job from the sounds of it. requires a lot of time in the car, but my uncle makes quite a nice pay check. it would definately tide me over till i get in the fire dept. (hopefully). so i have a lot to think about over the next couple of days. OH AND BY THE WAY ANY AND ALL INPUT WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. after all this is the second biggest decision in my life, first one was leaving my wife. all in the last few months now. GOD HELP ME. but i think the change would probably do me gooe, but now i dont know if im jsut running away from everything or just starting over in a new place. well good night all

 

PEACE

[RikerChick 5]

Change is good. If you don't mind the driving and it's something you would enjoy doing why not go for it? Hopefully you'll be in the fire dept soon anyway.

[cptwright 1]

yeah thats what im thinking. the job would be a whole lot better, and more enjoyable than what i am doing right now. it is picking up computer parts and such at the airport, and deliverying them to customers. so working basically alone, in the car listening to tunes, it cant be all that bad. a whole lot better than calling up mci customers listening to them b**ch about paying their bills. lol. its just a lot to take in sudddenly. i was just getting myself set to settle here in my cubicle for a while, till either i get in the firedept, or at least sell the house. but i think im gonna do it. im gonna give myself another day or two to think about it though. but gotta love sun and fun in the sand thats my motto. lol

[Jeanway 0]

I hear ya, Things will get better.

[cptwright 1]

thanks jeanway. i think your right, i am starting to feel ok, which is good for me lately. i think all will be good. ive got a lot to do in the next couple of weeks. getting all my stuff packed and find a place for it, till i have room for it down there. probably mostly here at my moms house. lol. she wont have me living here but my stuff instead. :) my mom really doesnt want me to leave, but she'll get over it, i keep telling her she can come visit, plus ill be up enough for a visit. especially once i get in the fire dept. gotta love that ten day a month work schedule. lol

[Jeanway 0]

I feel bad for you. Having to move out and all. Maybe you should consider a two bdrm apt with a roommate. Cut your expenses in half and you won't be alone.

And No dating, for at least a year. You need time to heal and take care of business right now. Give yourself time to heal. If you start dating too soon you'll just be using her as a band-aid. Do you understand? Ha, listen to me. I've never even been married :) . No, I've just known alot of people who have been through this. Talk to you soon, OK?

[fenriz275 0]

I've done the roommate deal, unless you're a very tolerant and easy going person, it could turn out to be a nightmare.

[cptwright 1]

I feel bad for you.  Having to move out and all.  Maybe you should consider a two bdrm apt with a roommate. Cut your expenses in half and you won't be alone.

And No dating, for at least a year.  You need time to heal and take care of business right now. Give yourself time to heal.  If you start dating too soon you'll just be using her as a band-aid. Do you understand? Ha, listen to me.  I've never even been married :) .  No, I've just known alot of people who have been through this. Talk to you soon, OK?

well jeanway and ace, i am fortunate enough to have an uncle with extra room down there for me, i can live with him and my godson, mini-me. so i dont have to worry about a roomate or anything just yet. jeanway as far as dating goes, well i dont have any plans on it. when it happens, it happens. i miss the company of a woman, but im in no hurry. after all the last time i hurried into it, she broke my heart too. so i would love to say i have sworn off of women, but unfortunately :unsure: im a big sap who loves women. and would treat one someday like a queen and give her the world as i can give it. talk to you soon jeanway

[cptwright 1]

well today was another busy, yet good day, im feeling better about things, and realising that life isnt bad, its all how you take it, and how you move on with it, im sure to have more bad days to come, but im also sure to have many more good days to come. i look forward to the good days. i have come to the conclusion with angel that i am a good man, and i liked her kids, i treated her well would've treated her well for as long as we were together, and been there for her and the kids. if she could not see this that i was sincere about who i am, or at least try to be, this is her loss (a friend helped me with realise that one)(good friends are great to have)because obviously NO ONE IS PERFECT, i just try to be GOOD. after all whats wrong with good, good is GOOD, not bad, not lousy not could be better, it is GOOD. but i know someday ill find happiness with a woman, and she will take me for who and what i am, and return the love and affection that i give to her. till then i will find myself in the things i do, and in the new place i will live, VA, barring any financial impossibilities im going on or by april 9th to start my NEW LIFE, just like the tat says. well its late here i just got home a little bit ago, talk to you all later.

 

PEACE

[RikerChick 5]

That's a great outlook to have :huh: I know you'll find happiness if you keep that attitude. :huh:

[cptwright 1]

well today was a good day, ive been feeling pretty damn good, looking forward to moving, hey now VBG and i can be neighbors. :unsure: i can be VBG the second now. lol. probably gonna go out tonight for a while, wait for my friend to call and see what shes doin, just a friend from work, shes pretty cool, but im moving in a few weeks and she knows that so nothing can come of it, but its just nice to have someone to hang out with, but now my friends think im a cradle robber, she's 20 she actually kept hitting on me, and finally gave me her number and said lets do something sometime, so it not like i went and picked her up in the schoolyard. lol. its all good i guess. just cant let the ex find out im hangin out with a 20 yr old, she'll go ballistic, she dont care about the girl thing, but the age thing will kill her, i still dont get it, were not together anymore, havent been for a while now, she's got a boyfriend, so i thought the spousle yelling and arguing about stupid things would be over, but she still thinks she's my wife, and acts like it sometime. oh well i guess old habbits die hard.lol well its been a long day at work, time to hit the showers, have a good one.

 

BTW thanks to all of you for your words of friendship, i guess it probably sounds a little corny, but you people, have helped me tremendously, being able to come here and let out my feelings, and having the responses that i have, have been great. im sure ill still have my bad days for a while. but its been nice feeling better for more than an hour, well actually its been, what, a week or so now. damn heading for a new record, considering this time my feeling better has NOTHING to do with another woman, like it did when angel was around. its kinda nice feeling better on my own. its great to have an online home like this to come too every night, thanks again.

 

PEACE

[cptwright 1]

well here it is sunday night, and it wasnt so bad today, but it was a rather somber day. lisa has been having problems with her boyfriend, and called me up practically in tears, so i went over and talked with her for a while, and took her lunch. she says she's gonna miss me when im gone, and that she thinks of me often. she drive me nuts. she was saying how i used to treat her like a princess, and still do, i just care about her still and will always be there for her, but i could never feel the same, after all it took her doing me sooo wrong, and her boyfriend to realise how good she had it with me, again im not perfect but i beleive in treating anyone im with like a queen. but there again i cant let her get me down, it was just a long day, i hate work sometime but it does pass the time away.

[cptwright 1]

so much for being a nice guy, it always seems to get me crapped on every freakin time. after all i keep doing and have done for lisa, at 6:45 this morning she calls me and says how unfair it is of me to leave and her to sell the house. i keep busting my butt giving her money for the bills, she lives there, her freaking boyfriend comes over on the weekends, and all that happy horse sh**, and now its not fair that im trying to get a better life, i swear im just gonna really lose it, i cant stand it anymore, everytime i try to do something to make things a little better for me sone thing or another pops up and makes it sh** again.i know damn well its because she just dont want me to leave, she even said last night she's gonna miss me, now that theres trouble in paradise with her and her boyfriend now its gonna be my problem. the wonderful thing about it is, were not legally seperated yet, who can afford it, so really if she wants to be a bi*** i have to stay to sell the house and everything because god knows that she could make my life he** with everything. well i gotta go, just had to let it out somewhere this morning,

[cptwright 1]

well its official she did it to me again, im not moving now, not till after the house is sold, i cant take this anymore, every freakin time something good happens or starts to come together someone or something has to ruin it. i swear i might just as well go crawl in a hole somewhere and not come out. on top of that my buddies son justin, who is a friend, hes a cool kid, his girlfriend, left a not on my truck today basically " i luv you so much, just thought i'd let you know".

now what do i do with that. obviously not what she wants, but do i ignore it, or tell justin or confront her about it? shes 18 still in high school, and my friends girlfriend, it just aint right in anyway. i for the life of me cant figure out why she would leave a note like that. so now thats bugging me too. so much for a good streak, looks like im back on a sh**full streak. i really cant deal anymore. god help me.

[cptwright 1]

well today everybody gave me greif for letting her do that to me. but i just dont want to get screwed. after all our seperation isnt a legal one yet, after all whose got the money. so she couldve really stuck it to me had i just left anyway. but after its sold, im getting that seperation done right away.i was just soooooooooooooooooooooo looking forward to getting out of here and starting over somewhere new and fresh. god i hope its soon.im really losing, lost my mind. not that there is much left to lose anyway. lol :unsure:

[Red Shirt Volunteer 0]

She sounds like a real piece of work. You need to get rid of her a.s.a.p. and not look back.

[cptwright 1]

she's something else alright, and im trying too. god knows im trying

[Angela 1]

hey, I hope things get better real soon. *hugs* it don't seem fair on you man.

[removed 0]

Keep up the faith Captain. Things will work out eventually. Keep up the faith.

[cptwright 1]

thanks UA and bysty. today was the worse day yet. i sooooooooooooooooooooooooo wanted to just do bad things to lisa. ive been trying to get a hold of this realtor that a couple of friends said is great. so i left a mesage today, the third day in a row. and gave him lisas work number, he called the house yesterday while she was home, and she NEVER called him back, was supposed to call him today and she didnt, so i did again and again didnt get him, so when i told her this she went ballistic on me, saying all sorts of crap to me about how i dont handle things, and so on and so on, i hung up on her, and a little while later she called to say that we have an appointment tues and she was snotty on the phone, i finallly blew, after work tonight, i went to the house, and now im glad she wasnt there because i would've yelled at her like i never, i mean never did before, so i left a nasty note for her. and beat the hell out of the heavy bag in the basement. then i hit my truck a few times, my hand hurts a little now. anyway i have bent over backwards to be nice to her, and to be a friend to her still, and make all this crap easier, mostly for her. and what do i get SCREWED. i cant wait to sell that house, and get a legal seperation and not have to deal with her anymore, i mean i wanted to stay friends with her, after all the time we have with eachother, and i do, make that did still love her and care about her, but i cant take her crap anymore, i mean she still acts like im her live in husband to order around, it just aint right, ive been there for her, and helped her, and for god sake i helped her with HER BOYFRIEND PROBLEMS. how many people do you know would do that for their wife-friend. i tell her i have a "friend" and that we went out for drinks one night, she flips out on me, and says that it hurts her and that shes still not over me, FOR GODSAKE MAN SHE'S HAD A BOYFRIEND FOR FOUR MONTHS NOW, SHE STARTED DATING HIM WHILE I STILL LIVED IN THE HOUSE. more and more i just wonder what the hell i ever seen in her to begin with. and why i stuck it out for so long. it is beyond me how someone can "LOVE SOMEONE" and do the crap that she did, and does to me. well ive had it, i mean i didnt plan on getting back with her, as i know she wants to, she is realizing more and more what she gave up, and i know its killing her. (again i know im not perfect but i tried to give her whatever i could to make her happy). i cant wait till she gets home tonight from BEING OUT WITH HER BOYFRIEND and she finds that note, that phones gonna ring so quick. :) i just hope she doesnt find out just how old that my friend is, i told her she is 24 and she flipped "OH ISNT THAT A LITTLE YOUNG", i know she just cant stand the fact that i try to have a life. if she found out she is only, and dont think to badly of me, 20 my god i would never hear the end of it. (BTW she i repeat she came on to me, and gave me her number) and no i didnt go to the playground to pick her up. everyones busting my butt so bad about that, including her she just loves to bust on me, but its all good, shes just someone cool to hang out with, kind of refreshingly honest about who and what she is, she maybe young but she is so much better than my ex wife ever dreamed of being, thats all i want in someone, honest and fun. but its not like this will go anywhere, but like i said shes cool to hang out with. oh well i knew the streak of good days couldnt last for long. god i cant wait to sell my house and move to va, i should be going next week and i so want to just go off on lisa for that too. god i guess all my buddies, including people i work with including a 60 yr old woman, are right, im just to dang nice, somedays i just wish i had it in me to be a care free jerk, but i cant do it, and im forever screwed for it. well sorry for the rant have a good one.

 

PEACE