THE WRIGHT STATE OF MIND

[Odie 0]

Merry Christmas

[WEAREBORG4102 0]

Hope you have better luck next time, cptwright.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

[cptwright 1]

thanks odie and wob. ya know pics are great, they can take you back to a time you love to remember, or times that you once wanted to remember, and now dont really want too, just too painful. i just spent the last hour or so looking at some old pics, and not so old pics. talk about stirring up memories, and thoughts, and the occasional tear. it rather sucks. but some were great. well night all, this time for real. i cant take anymore of that.

[cptwright 1]

well yesterday i went to see oceans twelve, good movie. drove down to the ocean front, and around. gave myself lots of alone time, then went to my aunts for dinner and some gift giving. and yesterday i also had my second annual christmas day viewing of THE LAST SAMURAI, christmas last year was the first BAD one for me, and leaving out a lot, which probably is in my logs from last christmas, anyway, i went to the movies to see this movie last year and i came away from it with some positive feelings about where life was, is and will be, the possibilities are mind boggling, but i felt good. three days after that some good things happend in my life. not that i think a movie can change my life but just the whole zen thing and inner peace, so yesterday i popped in the dvd and watched it again. i think its gonna be my christmas day thing from now on. kinda queer maybe, but after watching i felt somewhat, better shall we say. well at any rate, how was everyones christmas/holiday i hope everyone had a wonderful day with friends and family. well its late, im off to bed. night all.

 

PEACE

[cptwright 1]

well i think im going to ny for the new year, at least in ny i can party with my buddies for the holiday celebration. it oughta be a good time. i just hope that the new year brings many more things for the better, and i am able to move past the crap ive been feeling again for a while. did some baseboard today upstairs, only two rooms to go, then paint the trim, and its done. at least that'll be over. thank god. i think, now that things have slowed down so much at work, school wise, and things are winding down here, that seems to be what has made me feel more and more like crap, i have more time to think about the things ive given up, lost, and just dont have anymore, all my stuff i dont mind soo much, just the personal things, and my friends i miss, especially my sister. well incase i dont post here again till after new year, since id be leaving thurs, i hope you all HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR, MY IT BRING YOU PROSPERITY, AND HAPPINESS.

 

PEACE TO ALL

[cptwright 1]

well hope everyone had a good new years. it was pretty interesting i guess in ny. i did discover one thing, it is so true when they say you can never go home again. i felt like a stranger after only six months, i couldnt wait to get back home, VA, it was nice seeing friends, but alas its not home anymore.

[cptwright 1]

oh yeah, forgot to tell ya'll that my test for janurary 13th, cancelled. now im gonna just sit the the next emt class starting the 18th, and test out with them. ouch. shooot me now, sitting around for another two weeks too sit through class is getting to me. oh well. at least i should pass the state test blind folded now. lol

[cptwright 1]

well i still have no life. here it is another saturday, and im,............. oh yeah doin nothing, oh wait im working on the house. oh well. ya know i love it down here, and love my job, but i just cant seem to get out of this sunkin feeling i have. i miss my friends and going out with them, flirting with the girls at the bars, and all that happy stuff. oh well i guess sooner or later it'll come around, i just hate waiting. i guess i just thought that when i moved, and got my job i would magically feel better about everything, well i guess theres no magic cure for anything like that. well hows life with the rest of you? good i hope.

 

latta

PEACE

[cptwright 1]

well tonights the first night were trying to get mini me to sleep in his new fire truck bed, and his new bedroom. seems like it might be going ok, but i think its gonna be a hard time to come.

[cptwright 1]

well tonight i actually went out. went out with the new recruit class. had a great time. got well a bit buzzin. ya know life kinda sucks. theres this girl in the new class thats really cool, and me in my infinate stupidity have my moments of thinking she might be interested, but i just have no clue. i still have no idea how to tell if a girl is interested or just being nice. i wanna say something, but alas i cant. shes a recruit and i dont wanna make her feel uncomforatable come the next work day. so alas i just leave it as it is. if she said something then i would, but i just cant take the initiatave on my own. i dont want the thought of making someone uncomforatable at work. so alas i guess im just destined to be lonely and miserable. but miserable love life aside, had a good time tonight with the new class. im glad i got backed up with my e.m.t. and got to know the new class, and am taking the e.m.t. enhanced with them in june. i found out this week that feb 20th im goin to my station, the station which was second on my wish list, so im psyched, and lovin it. cant wait. love life aside, i guess my work life is workin out how i want it too. well hope all is well with ya'll.

 

PEACE

[Lursa 0]

Sometimes it is better to say something than nothing at all. I say that you could go for it and find love before it may be too late for you. Like in my case i just haven't the right person if she is the person that is meant for you, events will occur that this person is important. Sometimes i feel that way with my friend Rob. I love him yes, very deeply, also but i don't think he knows how much care about him. I am afraid to tell him, but if i don't i won't have another chance to do it. So, if I were you i would tell her.

[cptwright 1]

your right, were all going out again this weekend for one of their birthdays, im driving this week, so we'll see what happens. im hopin anyway.

[Lursa 0]

Well i hope that everything works out for you.

[cptwright 1]

thanks again. well tonight is my state test for E.M.T. and then hopefully i start at the station on sunday. well i leave in half an hour. the stomachs goin crazy. lol. wish me luck.

[cptwright 1]

well i think i did ok on the test. i know i past two of the three practicals, pretty sure the third one i did too, but i just had a bit of stress brain freeze for a minute there. well ill find out soon enough, then go out the the street soon. finaly. oohhh yeah.

[cptwright 1]

well today was it for classes, i took the E.V.O.C. course today, and now i have no more classes till june 13 for E.M.T. enhanced. so now i wait for my E.M.T. card and go to a station for a ffew months. hooorrraaaaa. well gotta go. lata.

 

PEACE.

[cptwright 1]

well i just found out that i PASSED THE STATE TEST. way cool. now i just gotta wait till i get my card in hand and i can go to my station. WOOHOO. on another note, had a good weekend with the winter burn camp, thats for the central virginia burn camp. hung out with this girl i know a lot, shes not much of a talker, but she kept hanging out with me, and im pretty sure shes interested, i gotta call her tomorrow, and try to feel her out some more to see if she wants to go out sometime, theres a lot more but i dont feel like sitting here all night typing. lol. well im extatic about the state test, and going to my station finally, and maybe i can at least get a date outta this weekend as well. can this be another upturn in my life, tune in next week, same bat time same bat channel. lol.

 

PEACE.

[cptwright 1]

well yesterday was my first day, tomorrows my second. it was a good day. i cant beleive the day has finally come and gone. it was a long time coming, and so worth the wait. takes a little getting used too, going in for 24 hrs at a time. but i do love it. well im gonna try and get some sleep for tomorrow. latta

 

PEACE.

[cptwright 1]

well here we are late wedensday night, midway through my three day break, just finished my long stretch. I LOVE MY JOB, after all these years to at last be able to say that. sometimes it still hasnt sunk in yet tht im finally doin what it is that ive always wanted to do. i am so thankful that i can say that, and i do truly wish that more people could say that, it is truly a blessing. im at station 7 right now, will be on friday, then sunday i report to my new station, LADDER 9, i wanted a ladder assinghnment, im lovin it, this will be my permanent assignment, ,at least till after july or august when i finish my E.M.T. Enhanced class. the guys at 7 have been great, made me feel right at home, and helped me get through the worrying of the first day, i hope that the guys at 9 will be the same, im sure they will be. the first few med calls i was like a deer in the headlights, still am kinda, but getting better. so hows everyone here doin, hope all is well with ya'll. well im off to bed, just finished watching LADDER 49, excellent movie for those who may be interested. night all.

 

PEACE.

[cptwright 1]

well had a good day at work yesterday, first day at my new station, but now i gotta go to ny till friday, for a funeral. the ex's mother died yesterday. its always something i guess. well latta.

 

PEACE.

[cptwright 1]

well the wake was today, funerals tomorrow. how weird was that. i was introduced to some people that most of us didnt know or barely knew as many things tonight, the ex-to be, the husband the inlaw, the i dont know, and so on. but i also learned how happy i was to not be a together part of the family anymore. there was a lot of arguing between the two brothers over STUFF, there mother isnt even buried yet and thats what there worried about, it made me sick. oh well. i just turn my back to that. cant wait to get back home friday, i still cant beleive that im calling VA home sometimes, its weird, GREAT, but weird. well night all.

 

PEACE

[Lursa 0]

It is sad to know that some family can be like that sometimes.

[cptwright 1]

saturday at a st pattys day bash after the parade, i met a pretty cool woman, we talked sunday monday and yesterday, finally got together tonight and had the most amazing time just talking for five hours, the only reason im home is cause i gotta get up at five and its already tweny after one. it felt good tonight to finally just sit and talk with a woman, yes i mean talk, it was refreshing and fun. gonna go out friday again hopefully if she can get a sitter. well its late, and im beat, just had to share my amazing evening with someone. night all

 

PEACE.

[Jaz4stfguy 0]

Congrats, dude! :P I hope things work out for you with your new ladyfriend. Perhaps she will help bring "balance" in your life << from Mr. Miyagi of " The Karate Kid". :P

[cptwright 1]

thanks, a rounded sense of balance would be a great thing. its already a nice thing to have someone to talk to on a nightly basis, and see once in a while. however our date tonight had to be postponed, her daughter is sick, so we'll be going out sunday. but as i said it is a nice thing. it makes good even better.

[cptwright 1]

well here goes something new, i guess i rather had an epiphany today. hopefully it sticks. well whats in the spoiler is a lengthy read, thus why its in there.

 

Click For Spoiler

03-27-05

Well a friend told me once that I write pretty good, and that I should start writing more of a journal about myself, so here goes. For those of you who read this on STF.NET, and that friend who told me to do this, she should know who she is, feel free to comment, and on the extreme rare chance that someone I know reads this someday, don’t look at me an laugh after that’s all I ask.

 

Right now I’m gonna start about two years ago, I had come to a place in my life that was deep, and dark. Become a person that I never knew I could, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like that my friends had to always ask to my face, and behind my back what was wrong with me. A friend I worked used to call my Pollyanna, because I always saw a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter what happened that day I told him well at least this happened, or ya know it could’ve been worse. Before I stopped working with him, he says to me one day, “what happened to you, you used to be so positive, now your worse than me?”, that was somewhat of a wake up call for me, and I started to try to figure out what was wrong with me. Thus began a two year long search for who I am. In the last two years I have never felt so low in my life, yet in that time never had such highs that I felt either. I learned that being around negative people, that are miserable 99.9% of the time tends to rub off. Ive learned that people don’t change, yet if you try hard enough, fight long enough, and just don’t give up when everything around you tells you too, that you can change your life. I have done things in the last two years that have made me ecstatic, I have don’t things that made me not like myself so much, but in the end, I am becoming someone that I know is good, and that I don’t mind looking in the mirror everyday. I know I still have a long ways to go to keep my life right where I want it, and I also know that I can do it. Ive learned that people who think they’ve got it all figured out, REALLY DON’T, they’re just too afraid to admit it, and keep searching for what is missing in their life. I do know there are truly happy, content people out there. People who have made long lasting loving relationships. I truly admire the strength and commitment it takes to do that. At one time I thought I had it figured out, and my whole life fell out on me. But, and that’s a BIG BUT, I have learned most of all that everything happens for reasons, whether we know them or not, in time they will reveal themselves to us. After all look at me, I thought I had reached my heights in life, never to be what I wanted, (a career fire fighter), never to learn new things, one day I woke up and I lost everything I had, and I did it all on my own. After all things are just THINGS, they can be replaced, a soul, a sense of sanity and well being can NOT BE REPLACED. So here I am in VA, of all things a career firefighter, on the road to being happier than I have been in, well as long as I can remember. A few things have become clear to me, 1. You cant live your life to make others happy, because it’ll just bring you down when it don’t work. 2. You have to love yourself before anyone else can, (im working on that one, and its getting there), 3. THIS ABOVE ALL, TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE. I have my computer teacher to thank for that one. I try to remember these things every day. I know I have a long way to go, but here I am low and behold on the right road, to a place I wanna be, HAPPY. I can only hope I find it, and keep it, and for everyone else out there I truly wish for them to be able to find it as well. Well I think that’s it for today.

 

as for the girl i met last week, shes pretty cool. hopefully we'll do something today. but if not, i can no longer let things like that bring me down. afterall life is an adventure. one we should all live. and love.

 

PEACE.

[cptwright 1]

well tonight was a rather sobering night. lisa, my ex to be, hasnt talked to me in about a week, she didnt like what i had to say in a reply to an email from her. nothing mean, just honest. well she called tonight, said that she filed for divorce this week. its something ive known is gonna happen, i just havent had the money nor time to go do it, mostly the money, but i was in no hurry, its not like im getting married. but hearing that from her, was just so out there. i want it, but it hurt to hear such pain in her voice. after all i dont hate her, just many things happened that changed how things are with us. not to mention that peice of paper will be so FINAL, i mean an end to what has been my entire adult life. when i got off the phone with her i was ok with it, its ...................well i guess i just cant explain it, but it feels sobering i guess, as to my life as it is right now. but alas it'll be good to have it done with. makes me think how much my life has changed to extremes in the last year and a half since i moved out. hell all of you who have read my logs know that. life sure can be suprising. well with an end to that chapter final, in my life, i sure hope the new chapters bring many more good things. well night all

 

PEACE

[Kor37 9]

This has been looming over your head for awhile now. The sooner this is all over with, the better off you will be. You can get on with your life. Also, once this is done and over with, your realationship with your ex will probably improve.

[Angela 1]

you wrote that ' You cant live your life to make others happy, because it’ll just bring you down when it don’t work.' Yep starting to come to that realisation myself. Its a hard realisation to come to. In my situatuion though the person I as trying to make happy now expects me to make him happy. I am glad you have managed to gain what you want from life. Your log reads as though it is from a far happier person these days. I hope the firefighting is going good to

 

take care.

[KIMIMELA 1]

Thad is sad news. I wish you luck in the future.