THE WRIGHT STATE OF MIND

[cptwright 1]

well i really dont have a clue as to what im doing this for. but i didnt even realise we had this option till tonight. i dont keep a diary but now maybe ill just start keeping a personal log here from now on.

 

well today at school i got my certificate for high honors for my 97 last marking period. not much but alas a high point of the day. im now another day closer to finding out if ive got my job in VA or not. im with INDY on the idea that i really shouldnt be doing this at two in the morning so im gonna go to bed now, try to get a few hours sleep. nite all

 

peace be with you all, and may you all find peace and happiness.

[cptwright 1]

well another day, another waste of money. i had to take my truck to the shop for two tires, and an oil change, found out that the front tires are too far gone as well, and that my ball joints are shot, the ball joints will cost another almost 700 bucks, and two tires at a later date another 200 some bucks, oh well. and they took an hour and a half longer than they were supposed to so i could go in to work. my buddy got a deer today, and i wont be able to go hunting again this year because im leaving tomorrow and deer season ends on tues. oh well at least i can get some meat from him. well im off to the shower gonna go out tonight with another buddy. talk to ya all later.

[cptwright 1]

well here i am at almost 2am again, i got home about 1am met a few people out, my friend didnt show up. but the people i met were nice, two young beautiful girls, wow. had a few drinks, but even though i had a decent time, it was only soso. im about to go to bed now, lisas not home yet but nothing new there. oh well nite all, nite john boy.

[cptwright 1]

well here i am in VA again it was damn cold yesterday, and chilly today. i have my polygraph test tomorrow, and then ill be back down (hopefully) soon for my interview. it was a pretty good drive, i like the drive by myself, its kinda relaxing. been helping my uncle with the addition on the house, which also would give me a very private bedroom, with my own full bath, if i get the job and move here. i finally went around to a few more different places yesterday and today, and am finding even more things that i love about it down here. i cant wait to move here. please god please. still going crazy about the whole wife thing but not much i can do about it anymore, only time can heal, and tell what will happen. my godson matt is walking around now, he wasnt doing that last week when i was here, he is soo cute. well any of you reading this wish me luck tomorrow, and on the last part, the interview. well talk to you again later.

[cptwright 1]

well here it 20 after 12 just got home from VA about 20minutes ago. made great time getting home. i think today went well with my polygraph. had my fingerprints taken, next is the interview, then hopefullly the job. well not much to say tonight, rather beat after the drive.

[cptwright 1]

well here it is tuesday morning, i came over to the house after she left for work before i have to go to school. sleeping at my buddies on his couch sucks, its nice of him and i thank him, but it sucks. his kids are great though. its nice to have friends like that. well another day in the air, hopefully something happens soon. im going nuts here. i cant beleive christmas is next week already, man time flies. im sitting here with my dog, man im miss him. well ive got a test today, hope i do alright on it, im sure i will. well im gone have a good one.

[cptwright 1]

well here we are another night on the couch, but alas tonight dont feel as bad as the other nights. i actually had a good time tonight and kinda proved to myself that im not so bad to talk to or hang out with, im kinda finally in a good mood, i showed myself that i can and do have the confidence to talk to a good lookin woman and actually pull it off, i mean i've always known i could i guess, but for 15 years i never tried, so its kind of a hard thing to get used to. but i kinda like it now, its a good ego boost when one needs it. i mean i still love lisa but i know that its never gonna work like it did before, and that i need to move on, and i think tonight helped me do that. does that make me a bad person, i hope not, and i think not, but i guess only time will tell. i still feel that there is a good, nice, sap inside of me, its just that lisa hasnt been the one to bring it out of me for a while now. well i hope im right, and i will find out. well talk to ya all later night for now.

[cptwright 1]

well if that was my "high", or my good night, i guess last night and today are my "low", i love E-RIDES but GOD help me i want off this roller coaster. one day i cant stand the idea of being with her anymore, and am glad to move on, and then the next im going nuts, because i still love her lots. but alas its all out of my hands and in the hands of others, whatever happens i just hope we both end up happier than we have been. i still care about her and always will, but i just want to be happy again and i dont know whats gonna do it. well maybe ill have a good time this weekend and and meet a nice girl, or not so nice, lol. loh well off to do some work, and get out of the house before she comes home.

[cptwright 1]

well hee it iss christmas eve and im at home for the family thing. tonight oughta be fun, spending time with people that know were seperated, oughta be a lot of nice awkward silences. tomorrow wont be as bad my family dont know about us so we can jsut put on a semifake smile. well gotta go now more later.

[cptwright 1]

well this is the first christmas that i wish just never happened talk about bad time. i never thought id see the day that i wished christmas would just never of showed up. six months ago i wanted to leave my wife, now that we finally came to an agreement that we needed time and space, i just cant stand the fact that it actually happened. its driving me crazy, then other times i enjoy not having someone to answer too. i dont think im going crazy im already there. im a person that hates change and in the last year, especially the last couple of months EVERYTHING IS CHANGING. im just flipping. im seperated still dont work full time, in school for another month, hopefully getting a job in another state, talk about change. all this and i never thought i would be doing any of it without the wife. we still love each other, we just grew apart and it sucks. i know at the very least we both need this time apart, but at the same time i cant stop thinking about her. i think she's gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. well once again its three am and i just got home from the bars and had a pretty good time tonight, actually had some girl come up to me tonight and give me her phone number and email adress, all without even moving away from the bar, she came to me. so it was a good night, but even with that i come home and think about my wife. not to mention i really hate the homeless feeling, i mean sleeping on a friends couch while everything in the world that i own except for some clothes and my truck are there, including my dog, boy i miss my mutt. oh well life goes on i guess.

[cptwright 1]

alright here it is 10:30 and as happy as i am today about how some things have turned out, now my wife is sick with the flu, and i think shes starting to feel lonely or bad about things, she just called me and sounded so mopey on the phone, said she couldnt sleep. didnt say much on the phone, but she kept me on a few minutes. i had to stop at the house earlier so i took her some chinese and a couple of bottles of soda, cause shes ill, and my sister hadnt been there yet, and she was all bummed then too. here i am trying to move on, met someone i think i can like, or at least would like ot get to know better, i mean after all shes been dating for over a month now, and now that im trying to be happier shes calling me all bummed, shes driving me nuts. ugh. oh well cest' la ve i just wish she would make up her mind and let me make up mine without the added blah from her. she made this bed i just want to make the best of it. well enough for tonight. goodnight all.

[cptwright 1]

well here we are sunday night before going back to school. what a day i had today. had a service call this morning, and went to see my cousin, and uncle, had a nice visit. got home and angel came over. we had a great visit, and a wonderful evening together. she makes me feel like i havent felt in a VERRRRRRRYYYYY LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNG TIME. i honestly thought it would take forever, if ever for me to actually feel like i can be nice, at peace, and just plain feel as good as i do right now. she helps calm the whirlwind of crap going on in my head and its great. shes so nice, and says things to me that lisa never said, and the way she looks at me just makes me melt. we have so much in common from being born in the same month and year, the same hospital, we probably said hello to each other in the maternity wing, lol. to how we both feel about things, her father and my father are both daves, both on their 5th wife, right down to how we married our high school sweethearts, and stayed with them sooo long, till we couldnt take what they were doing to us anymore. maybe im just crazy but she makes me feel human, makes it easy for me to be nice, honestly she makes me want to be the better man i know i can be, and used to be before becoming so jaded, and cynical. so what do you all think am i nuts or what?

[cptwright 1]

well here it is monday night, and it was a pretty good first day back at school. but today i found out that lisa is calling everybody a lot trying to get a hold of me. saturday night she told me she didnt want me to call or talk to her anymore, and sunday shes looking high and low for me. she called my buddies kids cell phone 3 times yesterday and once this morning, called another buddies house a few times yesterday and my other buddies cell this morning while he was at work. i talked ot her today a few times, and she just keeps getting worse. she had her boyfriend, and is living in the house i keep giving her most of what i make to pay the bills while im living on my buddies couch for now till we decide what to do about things, yet now that after all shes done, and her constantly telling me to go meet someone, shes going nuts now that i have met some one so great to say the least. shes all depressed again,and just keeps flippin out on me, i just dont know how to deal with her anymore. oh well i know ill find a way someday. if it werent for angel i would probably be flippin out right now myself, but i cant, i still feel giddy as a school boy. i know im a little nuts, but ya have to be to stay sane in this insane world

[cptwright 1]

yet another great day. i just dont know what to do with myself i havent felt this good this much in forever it seems. i swear we were destined to find one another, found out a few more things today, she knew my best friend in school, and i went to school with her ex, she said she showed him a pic of me and her and he thought i looked familiar, then she told me about his taking autobody in 90-91, and about the car he was working on in class, i remember that like yesterday now, too funny, we were just supposed to find one another, i know i sound kinda nutty still but it feels great to be a nut. now i just need to get that job at school, and settle things with the house and everything with the ex to be and things will really be better.i havent heard a thing from norfolk yet, and i dont think im gonna this time around anyway. the funny thing is as bad as i wanted it, and as much as i would still love to be a career firefighter, seeing how so much else seems to be working out, and my feeling so at peace with things this last couple of weeks, it doesnt seem to be bothering me as much as it would've a month ago. moving out and getting away from her has really helped with my state of mind, and finding ANGEL has really helped it soooooooo much more. im sitting here with a smile on my fac, and im loving it.

[cptwright 1]

well here it is wedensday night, and we had pool night again tonight. i cant stop thinking about angel, shes just so great. she makes me feel so good, and is sooo sweeeeeeeeet, and cute. i just never thought i would meet someone like her, she is almost like my own personal angel sent by god to help me feel better about myself, and everything else. im so glad i met her. i love the way she looks at me, its just downright amazing. i know im not looking forward to this weekend, i told lisa i would sit down with her and start talking about things, and whats gonna happen. she says she sees it in my eyes that its over, but im just afraid of how shes gonna react to me actually saying it. this weekend she just flipped out on me and went right down the tubes again and i cant take it anymore. shes been seeing someone for over a month now, and been telling me how happy he makes her, and how nice he is and every other damn thing i dont really care to hear about. all along telling me i need to meet someone. finally i do, and shes great and now all lisa can do is call everyone and their brother trying to get ahold of me, keeeps getting down on things, starts yelling at me and telling me i ruined her life, then says stuff like i really dont think we should make a decision yet, or the best one yet is "i hope she's worth 15 years of us", i finally had to give her the old, no i hope all those late nights in the bars hanging out with the guys, and making out with some of them, and now "jay" is worth 15 years of us, i got a long moment of silence and then finally a no. well i cant take that anymore and i dont have to im a better person than to have to put up with that kind of stuff, but now she keeps flipping on me, what did she think i was gonna just sit around and wait for her to have a fling or something and see if she wanted him or me. what goes on in the head of some people? i wish i knew. well enough ranting for tonight, wish me luck with the talk this weekend, im gonna try to keep my house, or i guess we'll just have to sell it. oh well have a good one people. oh yeah i forgot, angel has a couple of seats on the bus to go to NYC later this month, and just asked me if i wanted to go wiht her, i think that sounds cool, i havent been there since i was a wee little lad, and i dont even remember much about it. oh well goodnight again. thanks for listening.

[cptwright 1]

well another great night, tonight we just went up to mill hill, it used to be a big makeout, and party spot up on the hill when we were young, we went up there tonight and just hung out under the full moon enjoying the veiw. we sat there for a couple of hours talking and it was so great. after a while she asked if i ate and said she was gonna take me for a late dinner, so we went to dennys for another while and had breakfast. she is so great i cant beleive i found someone like her especially after i said i hate women, and dont want anything to do with them. she came along in perfect time, to save me from my miserable calious self. she said you keep buying for me im buying your dinner tonight. its just great. i cant beleive how happy i am and how much i actually smile these days. well goodnight for now.

[cptwright 1]

well here it is sunday afternoon. OH MY GOD WHAT A GREAT WEEKEND.

its the best ive felt in forever and thensome. angel has turned me around so much, and made me feel human again. we went ice skating on friday, and had a blast i looked kinda like an idiot,lol, but it was fun. then she spent the night and and saturday was a great day too, we just hit it off so perfect, and went through so much of the same stuff in our marriages, we know what the other one went through. we just relax so great together too, something i havent been able to do for a long time, last night we went out for a couple of drinks, after i picked her up from work, and we had a great time just sittin there alone talking, it was great. came home and went to bed. she just left to go see the kids, and tonight i gotta go have the "TALK" with lisa about all our stuff and whats gonna happen, that im not looking forward to but its gotta be done. oh well she cant dampen my spirit anymore, i cant, and wont let her do that to me ever again. not to mention the whole VA thing, i cant beleive i have an interview at the end of the month. my life almost seems like it finally fell back together and is getting better again. its just such a blissful feeling to feel like this. i know its like me and angel just really jumped into things, but it was almost like we just kept crossing eachothers paths through out the years waiting for this right time to meet. she knew a lot of the people i did, i went to school with her ex, we feel the same about so many things right down to meeting in the hospital when we were born, lol, i know it sounds corny but shes great. i guess she stole my heart, as she said i did hers. i still care about lisa, and will always, and love her in my own way, i cant just turn it off after so many years, but i could never, and will never take that kind of pain and torture again. im better than that and i know that now. i do wish her the best, and hope she finds the happiness i have so longed for her to find for years. well off to the showers, have a great day. i know im gonna. :blink: everyday just seems to get better these days.

[cptwright 1]

well here it is sunday night, and i must say that my "talk" with lisa went like crap. oh my god you'd think all this was my fault the way she took everything. i just have to tell myself she just felt lost because she lost control of the situation, and keep telling myself its not my fault, and to not let her try to make me feel guilty. i guess keeping this all to myself, except of course here, has come to bite me in the *buttocks*, my own mother is just shocked, and assumes this must be my fault. i mean what is it im a guy and must be me, i cant wait to tell the rest of my family, and my grandmother especially. oh well i gotta do it, i was just way to miserable and spitefull being with her anymore. oh well, talk ot you all later.

[cptwright 1]

well hello all hows things with you? well today is another good day, ive actually had all good days since my last log. i think lisa is coming more to terms with my decision, finally. tonight me and angel are going to a friends to watch the eagles game, then shes staying here tonight, im gonna take her to the hospital in the morning, she has an outpatient surgery tomorrow. had a good weekend with her, yesterday we took her kids to chuck e cheeses. it was a pretty good time actually but it was packed. shes got some pretty cool kids. i just feel so great when im with her, and i still cant get over how relaxed ive been since we got to know eachother, i just havent been this relaxed about anything much less life in general in forever. its nice to be able to actually sleep at night, and wake up with a smile on my face, and go to bed with one too. i cant wait till my interview this friday in norfolk, i must say im getting nervous though, i hate the ol tute your own horn questions like, " how would hiring you be good for the fire co?" or "why should we hire you?" oh well i guess ill just have to hope for the best, im sure ill do alright, just nervous, after all ive wanted this job most of my life, all of my adult life. this is the closest ive ever been to it. i still wake up everyday lately going is this all real? i mean actually feeling good, being with someone great, and the fact that i may finally be getting my dream job. im waiting to find out ive got cancer or a fatal car accident or something like that. :) just kidding. but im sure some of you know what i mean. well anyway im off talk to ya all later. btw you can feel free to respond to this or anyother post if you wish. i like to hear feedback on things.

[cptwright 1]

well here it sunday night, and what a great weekend. i went for my interview thurs after school, and came home friday afterward. i feel that it went pretty well, and am confident i will get the job. i came right home fri so i could go to NYC with angel on sat, she had a bus trip through work, what A GREAT TIME WE HAD. we went on a horse and buggy ride through central park, went to a movie, checked out so many stores, we went to fao schwarts toy store and toys r us, the toys r us was great it was three stories, and had a ferris wheel in it, i never thought i could have such a great time walking through the city, especially in the cold like it was. im telling ya i am so falling for this girl i cant beleive it. we just fit together so great like a glove. shes fun, funny, really nice, beautiful, and just all around makes me feel great. we talk about if i get the job in VA that in six months after my academy she'll move down there in a heartbeat. and i cant imagine being there with out her now. i know its fast, and maybe a little weird to some but we just have so much in common and we both know how the other one feels. i started to think that there were any nice girls out there anymore. all the ones i knew were quite evil in nature. well anyway im just so happy we met like we did, when we did. well have a good one people.

[cptwright 1]

well tonight angel made me dinner, chicken parm, and brownies. she's awsome. i finally got my computer, and my dresser over here at my buddies house lastnight and today. i was just getting tired of feeling homeless, at least now i have something of mine here with me. i was living off the floor here. lisa has been going nuts on me then next minute shes balling. im going crazy with her, but i cant let it get to me, and i wont. well im trying to hook up my computer to my buddies so i can get online with mine so ill talk to ya later.

[cptwright 1]

well today was a wonderful day. i didnt have any work today, that wasnt the good part. it all started with angel spending the night, i just love falling asleep with her in my arms, it was nice sleeping in a little, and waking up to her beautiful face.then i finished a couple of things around the house, and went and did a wal-mart run, then i went to the house to see my dog, and found that hes still ill so i went to the vets and got him some frontline, that also wasnt the good part. afterwards i went to angels house, and she had the kids, their good kids, the girls went home and brandon stayed over tonight, we went to see a friend for a while and then we stopped at the fire station to see the fire trucks, brandon loved it. we stopped at mcdonalds on the way back to her house had a quick bite for dinner, and it was just neat doing all this with a kid, i always wanted one, and we couldnt anyway we watched a movie trying to get him to sleep it didnt work, but finally about ten i left to come home, and he gave me a big ol hug and kiss, i tell you thats a great feeling, the more i spend time with her, the more i fall for her, she just says things and does things that i never thought a woman would do, i guess i just always thought the way things were with lisa was it, i am finding out thats so far from the truth, angel is just so great, and sweet and nice. well i guess enough rambling for the night, but i just had to get out how great i feel right now, and how nice it is to go to bed with a smile, and wake up with a smile, and have one for most of the day too. i guess maybe im being a little crazy but its just nice being treated like a human, and like one should be treated. especially by a "LOVED ONE" ill never accept being treated like lisa used to treat me again. no one should ever have to.

not that everything she did was so horrible, but just not always so good.

[cptwright 1]

well another great night, i am going to finally spend the night tomorrow and sunday at angels. so im not gonna be on for a few days, but ill be back, im just gonna be off having a great time. i love having such a great time, soooo much, oh yeah everyday now. life is good, and it will be perfect hopefully at the end of the week and i hear that i got the job in VA. oh well just a little more waiting and ill know. well have a good weekend, and talk to y'all later.

[removed 0]

I'm glad to hear that life is good, Captain.

[cptwright 1]

thanks bysty. well monday morning is here, and i just found out last night that my dog is really sick still so i gotta take him to the vets. lisa's cousin who is a vet told her over the phone that i need to get some blood tests done on hime, that it could be diabetes or cancer, god i hope not. i love that mutt, it would just kill me to have something happen to him. especially since i havent been able to really see him all that much for the last few months. well had a good weekend with angel. it's kinda weird being around kids all the time, not just my friends kids that i go home and dont see, but that are there as a fixture. but its kinda nice, i got up early yesterday because my back was bothering me, and her one daughter was up all night getting sick. so she slept for a little bit, and her son, who is three got up a few minutes after me, said he wanted a dring, so i asked what he wanted he pulled out the diet pepsi, so i gave him some (just a little), ya know i dont have kids im not used to it. lol. later when she got up he wanted more, and she said no, oh he threw a tantrum, then she warned me about the kids saying that they'll be trying to get away with anything they can with me as a new comer to kids. lol. but their great kids, then they went back to their dads last night and we went to a friends to watch the super bowl. it was a good time. well i have to go get talon off to the vets, and fix my truck, my water pump took a dump on me this weekend too. uugghhh it all breaks at the same time, im gonna be under it next saturday changing the upper and lower ball joints on both sides too. oh well. have a good one people ill probably be on later.

[cptwright 1]

what a day, and i dont mean good. well it started yesterday, i banged my head on a ladder sticking out the back of the truck, then i went to work on the truck, change a u-joint, and the water pump, and to make it short, it took a whole lot longer than it shouldve oh my god i was going crazy, then today i had a head on with the truck thanks to the crappy snow storm we got, it was horrible, i turned the wheel, and the truck went straight.then i spent about 3 hours fixing the brake line that broke thanks to the accident, i guess it couldve been worse, i totaled the other car, but only got the bumper, and grill and trim peice on my truck, oh and the brake line. on top of all that angel started her new job yesterday and i havent seen her since 615 yesterday morning and im going nuts. my god i want this day to end. oh well i guess it could be worse well have a good one people talk to you later.

[removed 0]

That does sound like a bad day! How is your dog doing? I hope it's okay.

[cptwright 1]

talons doing better thanks.

well now the streak of bad days goes on. i shouldve known better. i finally seen angel for a few minutes today, and a few things some friends said the other day about my roomate moving too fast and they couldnt beleive some things he was doind already, made her think about us, and today she asked if we could just be friends. she said that after hearing them talk about rick made her think we were moving too fast, maybe we were, but damn it felt so good, and so right. i mean i didnt even want to meet someone. i was hoping to move, and even if not, i "hated women" but she was so nice, and sweet, she made me feel safe, and that i could be nice again. i mean i dont blame her i guess it was going quick, i think she's just afraid of what might happen, with lisa and everything too, she did say something about mourning my marriage. i guess i shouldve told her ive been mourning it for over a year now, and that i was done mourning that, but oh well i guess ill just have to see what happens. she is a nice sweet girl, and damn so cute. i understand what shes saying, so i cant blame her, but this is what i didnt want, a broken heart again, i shouldve known better i guess im just an idiot. oh well have a good one, hopefully someone is.

[cptwright 1]

well here it is friday night saturday morning. i went to angels tonight to pick up my movies, and vcr and a couple of things, and talked for a few minutes. i asked if i did something to make her change her mind, she said no. i also asked if we slowed it down if we could still do some things together, but she wants to be just friends. i cant quite get how you can go from wanting to see someone all the time, to just suddenly only wanting to be friends. she said something about still aving to deal with her ex husband, and how its a nightmare, and how she doesnt want to go through that again. i dont know, i guess i just thought there was more to this than that, i also feel bad about the kids now, they started to get attached i guess is the only way to put it, as i was with them, their good kids, especially the 3 yr old, hes not gonna know better. i guesss i shouldnt of met them so soon. i hope that whatever spooked her, that she gets over it, i know it can be a good thing with us, but i guess i cant blame her for getting scared, i guess i was a little too, but i just let myself work through it. oh well, maybe im just a silly sentimental idiot. but through all this me and lisa have been talking a lot more, AS FRIENDS, its kinda really weird, she seen i was upset and kept asking what was wrong, and finally i told her, and i know it was hard for her to see me upset about someone else, and she was good about it though. then tonight i spent a couple of hours at the house, and we talked some more, told her more about angel, and the things we've done, and then she started telling me some about her boyfriend, but it got REALLY WEIRD WHEN WE STARTED TALKING ABOUT THE SEX. that was overboard. but it was nice to be able to still be frineds. after all she was my best friend for 15 yrs. i found out today from my uncle in VA that he seen what they have of the list of people their hiring for the fire dept, so far my names not on it. but their hiring 20 and i was 30 so if they dont get to me its pretty good for the july academy. so i hope that somethinng goes good. but i really do wish that angel would come around. i guess time will tell. i mean we had a great time in nyc, and all the other things we did together, and all the stuff we talked about. so any of you ADULTS have anything helpful to say? or decent advice.i know everythings different but i could really use some input here from some nuetral third party people. about wether im nuts or not, or how things like this can work out. or not.

[Mike 5]

Not sure if what I have to say will useful or not. But everytime a realationship that I was in ended I didn't want anything to do with another woman for a long time. Although I wouldn't mind meeting one now ! lol..Perhaps this new friend of yours thinks it's too soon also..Maybe both of you need a little time away from each other to evaluate your feelings..After your gone she'll realize how much she misses you and hopefully you two can get back together..I would certainly stay in touch with her..Call her once in a while just to say hi and see how she is..

 

Don't know if that was helpful or not..Best wishes to you cptwright..