Madame Butterfly's Personal Log

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Care to lay a bet on that?

[HRH The KING 0]

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Here on the Lake, parts of the family beginning to leave for home as they arrived long before me.

 

Tomorrow another brother and family leave and the house will not be so crowded.

 

Tonight was my nephews birthday celebration.

 

He cracks me up with his mind and the way he expresses himself. Lots of Star Wars Lego's exchanged.

 

My Mom's comp busted it's guts before I got here and a new one is due anyday, so we've been using one of my brothers lap tops. It's an Apple. -hisssssssssssssss-

 

Most days same, get up, shower, put on your bathing suit and don't get out of it til bed time.

 

I realized how exhausted I was when I got here and really couldn't string a sentence together so well, so laying on the beach and sleeping has been very good for me. B) :biggrin:

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Best day so far on this vacation.

 

Took a very relaxing kayaking trip today, and many kingfishers kept up with us along the way.

 

Tomorrow's the last day and it appears that the heat wave back home has returned. I hate to go back knowing that I'll be trapped in the house from the heat.

[Lursa 0]

I am so sick of this heat, that I want it to end lol. It is getting way to much out of control. I have been sick because of this stupid heat.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Quote of the Day:

 

"I would like to make a toast to lying, stealing, cheating and drinking.

 

If you're going to lie, lie for a friend.

 

If you're going to steal, steal a heart.

 

If your going to cheat, cheat death.

 

And if you're going to drink, drink with me."

 

 

Back from vacation, and not wanting to be back. Actually, if my neice weren't with me and having to catch a flight home, I'd have stayed for about another 10 days.

 

Just gotten relaxed and I had to come back. Cried big tears at that.

 

Let's just say I don't like my current living situation so much right now. Lots of stress involved with that and it's going to come to a head soon.

 

On top of that, I believe that some have fallen into patterns that make it very easy to take advantage of me, my time.

 

While they can only take advantage of me if I let them, it's actually the realization of this that is the hardest for me

 

To not be valued by them as they are to me is very painful. Talking to them will do no good, as I've mentioned it lightly and assurances aren't showing that the words and actions match up.

 

So I must stick to the promises I made myself about just letting it go and not letting them get to me, and not being there anymore. Just let them drift out of my life until they realize what they've done has cost them our friendship and more. If they want to live with an "illusion" of me, than they can have their fantasy world.

 

My brother offered me to come live in California, with help of securing a job. I really love that brother, but his wife can be very judgmental and I think I'm much better off in an environment where I will be loved and accepted rather than moving and having more than life to just adjust to.

 

I can see myself living there in the future though.

 

The yoga studio is offering a very cool workshop in September that I will attend for the weekend. Ayurveda and Yoga. If I could go to school here to become trained in it I would. But the reality is that I'd have to move to California or India for 4 years to get proper training.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Oh he will.

 

He will.

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I don't believe that anymore King.

 

I think something has changed there, or I've changed. I'm not very sure about this being able to happen anymore.

[Odo 0]

MB my dear friend (and fellow michigander)

 

You need this and this and maybe this

:)

you are a great girl do not ever let anyone get you down.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Thank you my dear friend.

 

It was quite wonderful to be "home", though I wasn't there long enough for my tastes.

 

As I drove down the state, it was quite depressing to see the wild beauty of the north country disappear and I knew I was nearly out of the state when everything was all concrete along the roads instead of majestic pine trees.

 

Sometimes the toughest things in life are the things we don't even realize we are going through.

 

I just have the feeling that the next two to three months are going to be huge for me.

 

I just hope the positives out weigh the

[Madame Butterfly 0]

My kitten had gone missing while away and he's returned home this morning, and is making a very fun and loving show of how much he missed us. He's typically very aloof, so all of his affection and of thrusting himself against my legs for attention this morning has been very very sweet and is giving me a chuckle.

 

I left it up to my friend yesterday to take things into control. Meaning that I just said you know where I am, if you want to talk or be with me, you know where to find me. Very hard thing for me to say and do and right now my heart is really aching from it because it appears abscence didn't make the heart grow fonder. :( It may all be a misunderstanding on my behalf but not being able to talk about it, and frankly being afraid to talk about it with them, is going against my natural grain. I like to get things out in the open and just get it over with so that everyone is understood. This time I took the cowards way and left messages.

I'm just wanting someone to show that they want to be with me. And so, we'll see how it plays out.

 

 

Just after I left for yoga/the cantina :P last night an old water main switch burst in front of my house. I'm thinking I ought to make sure everything that needs to get washed, gets washed before they come to work on it again.

 

My dear friend is packing up her house to move away. She'd been struggling with her husbands salary decrease for months, selling off furniture and such to make ends meet, when he finally admitted to being addicted to cocaine. :huh: That his habit was so bad that he'd turned to dealing. And now that she's dealing with all of this, someone has told me that he was also cheating on her when at the bar on the weekend. :( Of course I've told her that I was informed of this, but I keep thinking, how much can she take??? How much worse can it get for her? It also makes me think that my life, no matter how complicated it is, or hard my heart is aching, it could be worse and I must be thankful that it isn't.

 

Of course, I think that if my Beloved were here with me and not out of the country, my life would be much more content and happy. :lol: I'd defintely have more love in my life. :P :lol:

 

Question, how would you "categorize" this.

 

Someone acts differently after being with a certain group of people.

 

Do they do this because they don't have a firm grasp on who they are?

Are they still developing into who they MAY be and therefore, they are influenced by this group and therefore they appear to have changed and may have?

That what this group thinks is more important to them than they want to admit to?

And if so, how much would this group truly influence them and would all those influences be good?

 

Personally I like people who can be with many different groups of people, and stay true to themselves. I believe the influences of others can be positive, but if you change your behavior for some of the reasons I listed above, than the group isn't having a positive affect.

 

I've ended friendships and relationships over situations like this, because I do lose respect for the individual's involved. At times I've waited things out, trying to be that friend you can always count on in the end, but that hasn't always worked out for me either, I've gotten hurt by these so called friends.

 

So I'm just wondering what makes people do these types of things. Especially when it seems so obviously that they are changing core beliefs for love, or how they interact with others just so they seem to fit with a "group".

 

I think I'm in a very contemplative mood today.

[Lursa 0]

Friendship can be be a pain overall. But if someone gives ya a chance to change your life no matter what go for it! Who cares about the wife! Do it because it was what you were meant to do. People will always be judgemental in the first place. So far, when you are a journalist people will always give ya crap about not being good enough.

 

So, I do things in my way, to show them that I am proud of being werid or different. I have a lot of problems too you can read my log to find out more. But, i hope you can get out soon, you don't want the problem to get worse in the first place. That is the main reason why me and my family moved in the first place. People were treating us bad and well enough was enough.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

I've always been different Lursa, something I've struggled with for many years in my life, but what I embrace now. If people think I'm weird, than I take it as a compliment, for I would never want to be like most of the rest of the world.

 

As for the wife, I'm not following, you mean my friend whose husband was cheating on her?

 

I guess I don't think my life has alot of problems but rather that I am going through a huge growth stage in my life right now, and the difficulties are as large as you let them be and how you address them.

 

Sometimes I feel weak and other times I feel like I am full of energy and power.

 

I'm not wanting to move, although I do perceive that further down the road that may be in the cards and I'm open to anything more abundant and blessed.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Just in from last night.

 

After work a few of us drove together to meet some other members of staff at a restaurant for drinks and girl talk.

 

On the way back to our cars, we were hit head on by another car. I was knocked unconcious and found myself next in the ER at the hospital. I was and still am having difficulties hearing and apparently that's an after affect of the air bag, and since my co worker also had side impact bags, I got it double as I was in the front passenger seat.

 

I have about 30 stitches in my head area, and my right hand is in a lot of pain.

 

A good friend of mine drove out to be with me at the hospital and took me back to their home so that they could observe me during the night, as I have a slight hairline fracture in my skull, thus having a mild concussion.

 

Yesterday was a crappy day.

[HRH The KING 0]

 

-speechless-

[Angela 1]

many sympathies MB, having a damaged hand is definately no fun at all.

 

I hope you heal quickly.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Thanks UA

 

It's mostly bruised, and the top of my other is bruised from the IV at the ER.

 

It's mostly my head and ears that are the difficulty. I was so exhausted last night and yet my head hurt so badly I couldn't fall asleep for the longest time.

[Lursa 0]

Too bad that happened to you, I hope that you feel better that your head will not hurt as much. God is always with you, pray to him to heal your pain . I am here for you anytime you need me.

[trekz 7]

I hope you are able to heal quickly and are able to hear and sleep better soon.

 

I have a terrible time getting to sleep sometimes and know how frustrating that can be. I have also been in several car accidents and know how awful that experience is. Please know you are in the thoughts of many people and please feel better soon!

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Thanks Lursa, I really appreciate that. :lol:

 

 

 

Life is different for me after this vacation.

 

I thought that I would feel more settled and that I'd be able to be at peace so I could tackle the next year with gusto and enthusiasm.

 

Instead I'm finding lots of things are different.

 

I actually feel more off balance, almost like I'm grieving deeply. I recognize that this is most likely all the hurts of the past year, of holding things tightly together for those I most love, well those hurts are surfacing. And I am grieving but not in the way of a death. More or less I have to let those repressed emotions out or it'll make me sick.

 

I've always been a sap, those Kodak commercials get to me , but now nearly anything lovely or sad, or even the mention of some things make my heart ache deeply and tears come to my eyes.

 

 

Kinda funny how those in your life swear they'll be there for you, when this really terrifies them, so they withdraw, and I am even more alone then I was before. How people you once found so open minded turn into the mind set of the 1950's.

 

 

So not only am I dealing with this, but my Mother wants reassurances from me because she can't handle the situation herself. Don't ask......... :huh:

 

But someone else is pushing me to do "couples yoga" with a partner I am no longer with, and this person calls me one of her "dearest friends".

 

My boyfriend is far away and involved in other things and the drain of long distance and what we both expect from it is beginning to wear on me, and I wonder if I am really able to handle such a relationship. It certainly isn't fair to him. But I love him very deeply, so this is just adding to the ache.

 

Someone who was a sudo boyfriend has been cherishing me since the accident and while I'm lapping it up, for I know I truly need to be pampered and have my cup filled up instead of always filling up others, I don't know if his kindness is just friendship or if it's because he's still holding a candle, which many have always suspected.

 

That's the hardest one, because what he's giving me in the way of attention and pampering is helping greatly. I'd rather it was coming from the person I am emotionally involved with though. Thus why it's tough and confusing, because I don't have romantic feelings for this friend, and I hope he's doing this from friendship and not in the hopes of starting another romance with me. :lol:

 

 

 

On another note, my neice has accepted a job in England to be a Nanny and is waiting for her visa and then she's off. I hope she'll be happy and that she grows up greatly.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

After dinner tonight I called my friend who has been extra attentive and made certain he understood that we can only be friends, that there can be nothing romantic between us.

 

He was most gracious, as always. Kinda made me feel embarrassed at the end of it.

 

[Madame Butterfly 0]

I hope you are able to heal quickly and are able to hear and sleep better soon. 

 

I have a terrible time getting to sleep sometimes and know how frustrating that can be.  I have also been in several car accidents and know how awful that experience is.  Please know you are in the thoughts of many people and please feel better soon!

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Trekz, I've just seen this. :lol:

 

Thank you so much for your well wishes.

 

 

 

 

Today was my first "distance" drive since the accident, which wasn't too bad since it wasn't night time.

 

 

Life is a bit hectic today, but good.

 

My stitches are feeling a tad itchy, which I surmize is a good thing. :lol:

 

My head hurts when I'm tired and when my contact lenses are in overly long. Lost a brand new pair at the ER when I was in trauma. -mutters under my breathe- So I'm wearing my glasses more frequently until I am feeling better.

 

Thursday I'm getting my hair cut. I've been letting it grow, which is unusual because while my hair is fine, it's very very thick, so it weighs my head down.

 

I'm most likely going to cut 5 inches off. :huh:

 

The draught is bad here, they're saying 60% of the crops planted this year will fail due to the extreme conditions.

 

I'm hoping for a wet fall.

[Kor37 9]

Wow. Just read your post on your accident. I'm so sorry you got hurt. Hope you make a speedy recovery.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Wow. Just read your post on your accident. I'm so sorry you got hurt. Hope you make a speedy recovery.

345971[/snapback]

 

Thanks Kor. :)

 

Glad to read you had a great trip and that no natural disasters happened while you were there!! :lol:

[Madame Butterfly 0]

My first good nights rest after the accident.

 

I slept for nearly 12 hours :lol: and had so many bizarre dreams too. One of them had the dance music from Back to the Future part III in it. :)

 

[Angela 1]

My stitches are feeling a tad itchy, which I surmize is a good thing.

 

I'm in the same boat there, my sutures are itching like crazy, its supposed to be a very good sign that your skin is healing, but its annoying as heck good luck with them.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Well my stitches are on my head, and so it's really making me want to scratch my skull, but I know if I do it too hard, it may bleed and the head always bleeds harder than other parts of your body.

 

I'm hoping you'll be feeling better soon UA. :lol:

[Lursa 0]

I'm glad that you are making progress! But, like you I am going through a healing process as well. I'm trying to get rid of my past and move on. It is the past that can sometimes hold you back forever..........

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Quote of the Day

 

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone -

 

but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy"

 

 

 

Lursa, someone once told me "change your story". Meaning, stop focusing on your past and any negativity, and make a positive future for yourself. Take your positive traits and mix them with your dream. Hopefully a positive mind set will help you heal also.

 

 

For me, sometimes the thing that helps me the most is doing something childlike, like coloring. Connects me to the base of my soul. What I really love is painting some sort of dish at a shop where they will fire them for you. Basically "play", simple play helps, as does laughing.

 

 

I'm trying to heal too. This summer vacation with my neice threw me off a bit and then the car accident didn't help.

 

I feel like a wobbly top, no center and not yet fallen.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Quote of the Day:

 

 

The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves:

 

we do unto others as we do unto ourselves.

 

We hate others when we hate ourselves.

 

We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves.

 

We forgive others when we forgive ourselves.

 

We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves.

 

~Eric Hoffer

 

I think the strongest point this quote hints at is that "we hate others when we hate ourselves".

 

This is coming sharply into focus for me with some events in my life.

 

My neice did some very bizarre things while she was here, very negative things. She took glee in them.

 

After letting the rage go over one of her worst transgressions, I realize now that she carries anger within herself, and that her lack of tolerence for others is a reflection of her lack of tolerence for aspects of herself.

Thus, I seem to be seeing this lesson with lots of other people now.

 

Is acceptance of your good and your bad only something that comes with age, or is it something that is not being addressed in our childhoods, so we must grapple with it as adults?

 

My brother and I had a conversation recently, in which he'd just realized that as a child, if he didn't comply, one of our parents would withdraw their love and acceptance.

 

What a powerful tool, and what an example of love that is conditional.

 

I suspect that this isn't only something that happens in the home when I reflect on our days at school, for those of us who didn't fit with what was considered popular didn't feel accepted, nor did we find school a place that we enjoyed.

 

So it's more a societal issue.

 

I read an interview in one of my yoga magazines a few months back with the Dali Lama.

 

He was asked a question regarding the lack of self esteem in western culture, how it's affecting Buddhism here, and also yoga practices in the west, etc.

 

He had to ask for clarification for quite a long period of time.

 

He then asked, "children are not loved for who they are" as part of his clarification. When he finally understood this was part of the complex issues of self love in the west, he began to cry.

 

He found it tragic that we aren't loving our children for who they are and all the possibilities that they hold for the world and within themselves.

 

I think this goes right back to my neice.

 

How to love someone though, who mocks essential parts of your life?

 

Do they need your love more than you need to protect what is necessary to you?

 

Giving love to those who don't respect you is always the hardest, and I suspect, it maybe the most rewarding, but I'm not too happy regarding this lesson in my life.

 

I know I can love fabulously well, and very very generously. I just like to have it returned.

 

And so, there's my lesson. To love, and just love. To expect nothing, for loving is the greatest reward.

 

 

Loving someone outside of anytype of relationship when they need it, is vastly different than loving someone in a relationship and having daily conflict. I don't know if I'm up to this challenge. :lol:

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Went to see March of the Penguins today.

 

It's only 84 minutes long but worth the money to see it.

 

It's a Nat'l Geo film and Morgan Freeman is the narrator. I thought to see many families there, but it was mostly elderly people.

 

 

 

Raining again today, and my plants are finally feeling refreshed after 3 straight days of rain. Some things are just ruined for good and I will wait til the fall to replant.

 

Happy and content today.

 

Made some really good oatmeal chocolate chip cookies before the movie , and got alot of sewing done, I'm making a new shower curtain and window curtain for the upstairs bath.

 

Kind of a boring day, but I liked it.

 

Especially the time spent with my Beloved. :lol: