Lursa's Personal Log (Part2)

[Odo 0]

good for you

Click For Spoiler

little sister <_< :unsure:

[Lursa 0]

Stardate: 0507.02

 

July is here and well finally it cooled down some. I have decided not to write to Robert. I don't believe he takes me seriously anymore and why should I waste my time with someone who will not take my love or my friendship seriously. But well, look who's back Andy. Andy came back from Europe and now he calls me everyday it is really werid. I dont know what the heck is going on, but I need some answers.

 

On the good side, my first review for mangalife will be on July 4 and I am really looking forward to it. I have many more to come plus it gets even better. Yesterday I went to my favorite anime store called the Model Zone. The sad thing is he is closing down the store for now. The owner said that the rent is really expesive and I don't blame him for closing down.

 

Now everything is the store must go. I took most of that stuff with me home lol. From Manga to Anime Videos and even my first wall scroll which I will get a picture of very soon. My horoscope today said that I was going to be in a new love affair today. This is going to be a long day I can feel it!

 

Lursa out.

[Spike The Trill 0]

Hope your day gets better :P

 

Maybe you and this Andy guy might get together?

[Lursa 0]

Stardate: 0507.06

 

Well, July 4 sucked for me. It was so boring, but at least i got to watch some of MacGuyver the first season on DVD! It is a really cool show I see why the simpsons always make fun of it lol. Not much has been going on with me. I finally got my FAFSA results back and I need to send more infomation. Man i hate how the government takes their time with getting me money for school. But, I will wait i hope I get something.

 

Health has now become a more important thing is my life. So, working out has helped me gain the energy that i need. What my main focus is bodybuilding it is such a cool thing. In order for a woman to grow muscle we need to train our bodies a lot more differently. I have to more reps than a guy has to. But it will all be worth it when I lose this weight, and become the new me!

 

J.lo's new cd Rebirth is excellent, it is one of her best cd's. At first when I heard "Get Right", it became a annoying tune, but it take awhile to get the hang to like it. Rebirth reminds me of me as the person changing into a new soul. I hope to get out cd's out some day it would be cool to have a music carrer.

 

I am bored, but i have a lot going for me lol. Life is a werid set of events. Rob is still gone, and my parents wanted to know how i feel about it, and i told them he really didn't care anymore. My father told me i should'nt say that, but it's the truth. I'm not going to lie to myself anymore. My mother thinks that he cares about me, but doesn't want to show it. If you care about someone, show them that you care it's simple as that!

 

I am almost to commandore, but I have alot of posting to share and care lol. Time is calling to my name...........

 

Lursa out.

[Spike The Trill 0]

Glad to see I'm not the only MacGuyver fan out there!

[Odo 0]

Glad to see you are as normal as the rest of us (crazy)

Still luv ya

[Lursa 0]

Thanks guys i feel so loved. Mac is the man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am getting second two as well. But six dvd is a lot huh spike. And odo you have been such a sweetheart, I luv ya. Yes im above normal (wink, wink).

 

I did some trivia today...... I just hope that i got them right lol. But knowing me i might. Goodnight everyone.............

 

Lursa out.

[Angela 1]

Mac rocks, i loved the showas a kid, and loved the repeats on tv

[Spike The Trill 0]

Thanks guys i feel so loved. Mac is the man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am getting second two as well. But six dvd is a lot huh spike. And odo you have been such a sweetheart, I luv ya. Yes im above normal (wink, wink).

 

I did some trivia today...... I just hope that i got them right lol. But knowing me i might. Goodnight everyone.............

 

Lursa out.

337956[/snapback]

 

I want to get season 2, but I'm trying to figure out why seasomn 2 is onlt 3 dics long?

[Lursa 0]

Stardate: 0507.09

 

I got into another fight with my parents yesterday. I am still pissed off at them in the first place. I dyed some of my red and well i like it a lot. I have always tried to be different in my own way and my parent are sometimes so old-fashioned that they just don't understand. My father was not even making easier too. he was like why did you dye your hair! I told him, because i wanted to and then he tried to ground me. I was so pissed off I went to my room anyway. I am 18 now and I can do whatever i want with my body. is it so wrong to change hair color. It will be gone in 3 months and I just wanted something different for once in my life. I need to tansform and find where I belong.

 

The main reason why I don't have a lot of friends is due to my parents. Like i have a great that i met in graphic art class, so she invited me to her party. When i was ready to go, i called and she told me that her parents left. Now my parents have this rule that if parents are not at the party, then i can't go and i trust this girlfriend of mine, she is will people who don't do drugs the straight-edge lifestyle. My parents would still not let me go in the first place. That is why I am glad college is here, and they are still trying to control me, but you know what they can't do it anymore.

 

I didn't sleep last night because of that crap. And now i had to go to greek fest with them and it sucked. drinks were like 2.00 and up that is crazy. But at least I had a chance to go ot the bookstore and getting some movies and a great book on vampires called the Vamp dictionary for only 6 bucks!!!!!!!! Now i have stop buying books so that i can finish reading them. All i want is to have some more creative control i am putting more good into my body than harm.

 

Also i am lobe streching which is a lot of fun i went from a 14g to a 10g and my goal is a 4g or I may get a 00g to just piss my parents off lol. But my little sister always gets the break I will never understand.......... what a long day. Well i am now a LT and that feels great i will keep on moving up and never or at least trying not to look down.

 

Lursa out.

[Spike The Trill 0]

Stardate: 0507.09

 

I got into another fight with my parents yesterday. I am still pissed off at them in the first place. I dyed some of my red and well i like it a lot. I have always tried to be different in my own way and my parent are sometimes so old-fashioned that they just don't understand. My father was not even making easier too. he was like why did you dye your hair! I told him, because i wanted to and then he tried to ground me. I was so pissed off I went to my room anyway. I am 18 now and I can do whatever i want with my body. is it so wrong to change hair color. It will be gone in 3 months and I just wanted something different for once in my life. I need to tansform and find where I belong.

 

The main reason why I don't have a lot of friends is due to my parents. Like i have a great that i met in graphic art class, so she invited me to her party. When i was ready to go, i called and she told me that her parents left. Now my parents have this rule that if parents are not at the party, then i can't go and i trust this girlfriend of mine, she is will people who don't do drugs the straight-edge lifestyle. My parents would still not let me go in the first place. That is why I am glad college is here, and they are still trying to control me, but you know what they can't do it anymore.

 

I didn't sleep last night because of that crap. And now i had to go to greek fest with them and it sucked. drinks were like 2.00 and up that is crazy. But at least I had a chance to go ot the bookstore and getting some movies and a great book on vampires called the Vamp dictionary for only 6 bucks!!!!!!!! Now i have stop buying books so that i can finish reading them. All i want is to have some more creative control i am putting more good into my body than harm.

 

Also i am lobe streching which is a lot of fun i went from a 14g to a 10g and my goal is a 4g or I may get a 00g to just piss my parents off lol. But my little sister always gets the break I will never understand.......... what a long day. Well i am now a LT and that feels great i will keep on moving up and never or at least trying not to look down.

 

Lursa out.

338333[/snapback]

 

Sounds like your parents are having a hard time accepting the fact that their little girl is grown up.

[Lursa 0]

Stardate: 0507.11

 

Spike, you are right! They are have a hard time. The main reason why MacGyver season two is only 3 discs because they are believe back to back dvd's to save space lol. The first season takes up a lot of room in my room. I love the show so much, it is good know that they are people who still like it! I am not a LT in trivia and I love it. The questions can be challenging and that is why i like it its a lot of fun.

 

I am having a hard time getting along with my parents and it drving me crazy. But, sooner or later things will change. My only hope is that i have some more time to read some on my books. Today, was a finishing up day. I finished reading an excellent book Cloak by S.D Perry. The section 31 collection are some of the best trek books. Cloak is the TOS book. Kirk is a sexy man indeed. Altough, a lot of people find him to be a pain in the butt.

 

I will always be a kirk fan for life. Sometimes I feel that Will is overlooked just like James Avery is overlooked in the Trek saga. But my friend told me the weridest thing today. He did it will his girlfriend yesterday (gross lol). There's goes that chance of romance oh well. My mother made me go with her to go to greek fest and it sucked.

 

The only reason why I go is to get some honey balls they are so good lol. I have been talking about Rob all the time. For some werid reason, I can't seem to get him out of mind. Maybe it is love? or lust lol. For the first time in life, there is someone that I want but I can't have.

 

Lursa out.

[Spike The Trill 0]

I'm not keen on double sides dics, but, we both know I'll still get the second season :)

 

Are things getting better between you and your parents?

[Lursa 0]

Stardate:0507.13

 

Yesterday was my first day back to work in a long time. But the funny thing was that a lot of people looked at me because of the way that I dressed. My red hair and my Babylon 5 t-shirt lol. One old lady thought that I was crazy. It is a sad thing that American Society can be so close minded. But, no matter I am not going to change for no one not even for Rob, which i was doing in the first place.

 

It is almost 2 am in the moring, and I came to a revlation. This is the reason that I am transofrming to a natural state. My time of pain and suffering is beginning to cease for now I hope. But, I won't let myself go easy that is why all this crap happened to me in the first place lol. No matter how many times I try to change myself for someone (aka Rob and others) all the pieces are coming into place.

 

As much as the truth hurts, I have to admit this to myself or else how the heck will I be able to move on in my life? I'm not going to lie to myself anymore.Most of the stuff I have in my life, is for the will of others and not for myself. But now, I need to make myself come first in my life and stop having people come into my life and screw it all up.

 

My mother and father, I am getting back into getting along with them little by little, but deep down inside I still have this anger raging in me. Maybe its the devil reminding me of my dark side and not of the light. That i am "kid" in my parent's eyes, but yet I want to be mature and to grow. This phase has been with me since middle school.

 

I can always remeber being a lot smarter and more mature than the other kids. Most kids would be acting like jack***es and I would be reading about Anne Rice or sometimes talk phioloshy and one in a while have a good joke. I was a not a normal kid even my parents noticed that when I was little. But, with all the gifts that I have learned and received from God, I still feel that I am not good enough.

 

All the time, people tell me that I will famous someday. That i will change our society to free-minded one like it should be but destiny is not always a fair game. You have to always remind yourself of the challeges ahead. I'm torn between love and my carrer. Which one has been taking me over for the longest time? Personally, I think that I am so focused on my carrer, due to my heart being broken so many time that I am forgeting that there are new chances to come.

 

But I don't blame myself in some cases. My best friend told me right in my face, why am I not torn. I have every right to be in first place! But maybe, I sometimes blame our society. For young girls like me, it is very hard what is beauty and how fast to we get replace my dumb, child-like women who have no sence for the future. I live in a world, where boys are growing to negative concent of women. We are thin, and we act like slaves and all that other crap.

 

I'm sad to say, but this pressure I have applied to myself and my life. I need that balance and if i don't find it soon I will be lost in space......

 

 

Lursa out.

[Lursa 0]

Stardate: 0507.20

 

My heart goes out to James Doohan's family. He was a great actor, and had a great heart may his soul rest in peace. My life has changed around for the better my parents are finally trying to respect my space and me being the person that I am. I did write to Robert, my mother wanted me to do it out of kindness. But a part of me stills wants me not to do so in the first place!

 

But being good can carry you a long way. After all of the hell that I went through, I finally got my job change! I work in a department called ICS, it has great hours 10am to 7pm what a deal lol! Most of the guys in there are very nice, and like always the women and other girls want me dead lol. But I will do what I have to do in order to get to the top.

 

After I was done with my shift, my body gave out. As soon as I got home I am became very sick, and I need to rest from all of the stress. That is the main reason why I don't feel good in the first place. There are more unknowns than the truth. The truth will set me free; all of the hard work that I do will back off. But the people in the cashier department thinks that I am a traitor. Is it so wrong to be smart?

 

I will never get people lol! I have treated myself for the pain and suffering and I got myself some good earings 8g, 6g, and 4 g (The final hole size that I want). Well, duty calls i have to take a shower and of course get some sleep, I have another long workday ahead for me. Trivia will have to wait............ for some time...........

 

 

Lursa out.

[Lursa 0]

Stardate: 0507.22

 

After 3 days of back to hell, I am not sure of how much I can take. My whole body aches from working. But, you have to do what you got to do in order to get to the top. It has been a crappy day and is only to get worse. I wonder if Rob got the card he must be feeling good about it I hope. My love for him is tearing me part. It's like one day you love someone, the next day you may hate them. But in life, i'm am beginning to know what hate is. The jealous and rage that builds inside that is hate to me.

 

I will be getting my earrings 8g,6g, and 4g in a couple day. I kept on begging my parents to take me to the pirecing shop and they still wont let me do it so i got it own my own! I'm saving money as well i just dont give it all aways so that is why im working A** off in the first place! But the people at my work once again were giving me a hard time. I have to kick some butt in order for them to give me some respect. And now they don't mess with me anymore or else.

 

Well i will have to give up my room for some time. Some of my mother's family members are coming over and that is not fun at all.

 

 

Lursa out.

[Lursa 0]

Stardate: 0507.25

 

Well, at least I had some time to relax and breathe away from the pain. I have been in pain for weeks and now my back is starting to hurt. I can't lift anything and I am also in a very bad mood right now. Nothing is going the way that I need it to be. From work to boring family outings I hate it very much! But at least today i got and had something to eat lol. What I really need right now is some love and some caring.

 

Since my last log, I got some bad news. One of the people who was my friend and treated me like crap told me that she was moving. She was crying, but not she realizes how good I was to her. She wants me to come to her going away party. Personally I feel like I want to rip some guy balls off! It is already enough that she treated me badly. But, the werid thing is I might go.

 

Because I know how she feels. Having to move from one place to the next can be a difficult thing to deal with. Especially, with going to a new school you have to start all over again. Well I am going to go and watch some anime.

 

Lursa out.

[Lursa 0]

Stardate:0507.26

 

Whew, I am glad that work is over with.....UNTIL TOMORROW!!!!! LOL. I don't mind work, it is just a pain in the butt to work with people who dont like you one bit. But most of time, I just do my work and move on with my life. Don't you hate it when you work with me that are azzholes in the first place. I never understand how i deal with it.

 

Maybe it was due to my childhood. I was teased so much, that i got used to it and just took the pain. My heart goes out to all those who are in pain right as God to take it away. My earrings has still not come yet and i will cancel my order. Nothing is going my way today and I hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

 

Well, I hope you all like my new sig, Mac is so Hott!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. I just had to do it, because I am obessed with the show.

 

I must go...............duty calls....................................

 

 

Lursa out.

[Lursa 0]

Stardate: 0507.27

 

Well, I am still tired as hell,and my body wants to give up on me. it is hard enough that I dont get alot of respect at all at work. But once thing is for sure, I am sure that i never will lol. The good news is that my 8g,4g and my final size of 2g came in today. They are all tialitum with o rings included. I don't know what my parents are going to say about it.

We will just have to wait and see.

 

I thought that they would never come, and you can bet that I am going to get some more in the future! I am so out of it that I don't know what to do I work 9 hours and then came home to find my earrings came in! I wonder what my workmates will say tomorrow lol.

 

Yet, I wonder if Rob got my card, I wonder what is going through is mind. Is he happy? Or, did wish that I did not do that in the first place. Sometimes I think that his parents wants us to fall in love lol. Trust me, I would not mind that at all, but yet I don't know how he feels about me.

 

He is a very mysterious person like me, but sometimes I don't know how to react to him. Should I laugh? Should be serious he doesn't tell me all the time. But one thing is for sure, when he is coming back, I want his parents to tell me when he is coming so that I can shock him.

 

My dreams are still not making sence to me. Is there something that is missing in my life? Or is this a message about my future. I may go into futher detail sometime. Well, A day's work is never done.............LOL.

 

Lursa out.

[Lursa 0]

Stardate: 0507.29

 

Do you ever have those days were you wish you were dead. I feel that way today, nothing is going right and i don't know what to do anymore. Life has it's twists and turns, but what makes us stronger is our faith. In my whole life so far, i've never questioned it, but today i've have. Am I on the right path? Or am I going the wrong way in life general.

 

Work is still being very diffucult in the first place. It's like people want azzholes all around me lol. My room is still messy, I need to clean it up because I have no time to do anything anymore. My main boss for my ICS deparment got fired and the stakes are getting even higher. A lot of people think that I will take his place, but I really don't want it. Power can cause your life to be turned upside down.

 

Modeling is not for me, I figure that I don't match the look their are looking for in the first, but photograhy is still on my mine. i will start to take pictures for bands and stuff like that. Well, I have to go and fix up my room...........

 

Lursa out.

[Validus 0]

Stardate:0507.13

 

Yesterday was my first day back to work in a long time. But the funny thing was that a lot of people looked at me because of the way that I dressed. My red hair and my Babylon 5 t-shirt lol. One old lady thought that I was crazy. It is a sad thing that American Society can be so close minded. But, no matter I am not going to change for no one not even for Rob, which i was doing in the first place.

 

It is almost 2 am in the moring, and I came to a revlation. This is the reason that I am transofrming to a natural state. My time of pain and suffering is beginning to cease for now I hope. But, I won't let myself go easy that is why all this crap happened to me in the first place lol. No matter how many times I try to change myself for someone (aka Rob and others) all the pieces are coming into place.

 

As much as the truth hurts, I have to admit this to myself or else how the heck will I be able to move on in my life? I'm not going to lie to myself anymore.Most of the stuff I have in my life, is for the will of others and not for myself. But now, I need to make myself come first in my life and stop having people come into my life and screw it all up.

 

My mother and father, I am getting back into getting along with them little by little, but deep down inside I still have this anger raging in me. Maybe its the devil reminding me of my dark side and not of the light. That i am "kid" in my parent's eyes, but yet I want to be mature and to grow. This phase has been with me since middle school.

 

Lursa out.

339092[/snapback]

 

Ya know, reading your posts reminds me a lot of what it might be like to read posts written by Enid (from the film Ghost World. I'm not sure about the specifics regarding your relationship with your parents, but you might as well come to grips with certain realities that will never change. For one thing: parents (if they're any good) are always protective of their children, especially their daughters. Not for reasons that are sexist...it is simply a matter of course that parents show more concern for daughters then sons. After all, parents don't worry about their son getting raped or pregnant. :)

 

Even when you are in your 40's and they are in their 70's your parents will always view you as a befuddled kid who will always need their advice. I'm 37 and my Father (who just turned 60) still talks to me sometimes as if I was just exiting puberty. I put up with it because I love him and I know that he has a good heart...but sometimes he can be such a goober. :)

 

Don't waste time changing yourself for another person. That is most unwise, because doing so means you are not really being "you". By extension that also means that whomever you are with doesn't really love "you" but this shell you've decided to wear. Better by far to find someone who will accept you as you are warts and all. That's also a two-way street...don't waste time trying to change anyone else either.

 

I'm glad to see that you're a fan of Babylon-5, probably the best science fiction television show ever produced (in my humble opinion).

 

By the way, I responded to a question you asked about Vulcan religion over in the Vulcan Embassy forum. Hope what I said helps.

[Validus 0]

Stardate: 0507.29

 

Do you ever have those days were you wish you were dead. I feel that way today, nothing is going right and i don't know what to do anymore. Life has it's twists and turns, but what makes us stronger is our faith. In my whole life so far, i've never questioned it, but today i've have. Am I on the right path? Or am I going the wrong way in life general.

344439[/snapback]

 

The Buddha teaches us many things. The main thrust of his teachings [the Dharma] is simply this: It is our nature to suffer, but it is also possible to liberate ourselves from suffering if we wish.

 

Books have been written about this subject and I won't try to bury you in a lot of esoteric writings. Let me simply say this: In order for one to limit suffering one must do two things. You must harness wisdom (prana) and compassion (metta). Now- this is the tricky part: you have to harness them equally. Most people either go totally in one direction or the other. To harness only wisdom without compassion will turn you into a cold-hearted intellect (not unlike a Vulcan) which I think won't help in the long run. Likewise if you harness compassion without wisdom you end up becoming a good-hearted fool.

 

Life will always have difficulties, that is simply life being lived. But there is always good and thee is always joy if we would simply allow ourselves to see it through the sewage of negativity and bitterness which often surrounds us (often by our own doing).

[Lursa 0]

Stardate:0508.01

 

Augest is here and my time is running out. Validus, it is also good to see another Babylon 5 fan here lol. It is harder and harder to find one thest days. Thanks for reading my logs also, it means a lot of me that people are in tune with me. That is good to know I will read your log sometimes as well. Like you mentioned, my goal this month is to try to find "my balance". What works for one, does not work for all. I think that is what my dreams are telling me. I need to set the line with my parents, or else I will not have a piece of mind. Is it so wrong, to try and fight the system?

 

To not be the same with society, it really puzzles me. But once again, society challeged me once again. I'm in the mall with my mother, I know that is werid, but I enjoy shopping with my mom. It's fun to see look at one thing to another. Then you have me wanting to puke all over seeing all of the "girly clothes that girls are supposed to be wearing lol". When will people get, that some girls don't like to dress like that. Eventhough, there are stores like hot topic, who speicalize in what they claim to be "Subcultural Diversity", to me they are so judgemental.

 

So, I walk in there and take a look around, and as soon as i turn around a girl looked at me up and down and did not ask me if I needed help or anything. Like most girls, she wanted to be a b*tch to me in the first for no reason. She was looking at me as soon as I entered the store. She "dressed" the same way like me, so what the heck was the problem. Then when I told my mother this, then she tells me: "You have to be careful the way you dress!" Now, to some point, I understand were my mom is coming from.

 

Then again, we all have the right to dress the way we want to dress. All i had on was a black kittie shirt and blue jeans with sandles. She just didnt get that minorites listen to it too. But, then again I was not expecting my mother to understand in the first place. My parents are always trying to get me to dress more "girly" and you know I made my own definion of what it means to be female it is not by the clothes, it's the mindset of each woman/girl.

 

Now, what i see girls wear today can be slutty. You can show sex appeal, but in the proper way. If you show everything, then what is there for a guy to wonder about and even to take you as a smart person instead. A real woman knows how to spread her sex appeal with brains and body. it's just for attention and not because they just want to wear it. Then again some people are just like that in the first place. You are what you wear, and time to time I always hear girl complain about guys looking at them dirty in the first place.

 

You have no one else to blame but yourself in the first place. Treat your body, like how you would treat your brain.

 

With Something to Think About,

 

Lursa out.

[Lursa 0]

Stardate: 0508.03

 

My brother is an azzhole. Sometimes I wonder why I place so much faith in myself that he is coming and is going to try to heal with me and my sister. Once again yesterday he did not come. Today he is not here and called my parents and told them that they could not make it.

 

Me and my parents worked our butts off to keep the house nice and clean, and my mother even cooked a lot of food! Why chould he not called yesterday he had no reason to be like that. He does this all the time and i'm getting sick of it. I'm sick of being in such a unloving family, this is why i am so dark and depressing most of time. I finding out who i am, yet i don't know even half of my family!

 

I had a feeling that he would not show up in the first place. Now he is going to call me once again and give me a lot of BS. Work was not any better, the guys don't trust me in the first place for being a girl and then i'm the weak one? I'm so tired of this Bull, it is like this on and off. All I wish for is for one solid normal week.

 

Andrew is back from his trip, who knows when he did get back and i am talking to him on AIM. Why the hell do I waste my time with him? That I will never know, but one thing is for I want to crawl up in a hole and just die slowly.

 

Lursa out.

[Validus 0]

I would respectfully suggest that your life will be made much easier if you learn to accept your brother as he is (an a$$hole).

 

Your frustration stems from your expectation that he will change, which is unwise. If he should change of his own volition for the better then obviously that is something positive, but to hold onto such an expectation will only frustrate you.

 

I have an Uncle named Keith who everyone in our family hates. He is crass, rude, and has no social graces. He has borrowed money from everyone and has never paid anyone back so much as a penny. I held out hope that he would change for most of my life. Finally I decided to simply accept him as he was, and now when I see him I simply smile because I see him as he is and I feel no investment in trying to change him -that isn't my job. Likewise I don't spend time with him or lend him money, either. Should he change on his own then maybe I'll be inclined to hang out with him on Thanksgiving. Til then I avoid him without malice and that works for me. It might work for you too...just a thought.

[Lursa 0]

Stardate: 0508.05

 

I am so bugs they are everywhere in the bathroom it is like i can breathe without seeing one. This is the main reason why I can wait for summer to end once again. With the start of the back-to-school season. I can look forward to that. Period do suck! Why do women have to go through pain and bloating and when I get mine oh boy do i get crabby. So, I always tell my friends get out of my may when i am on PMS lol.

 

One of my friend's is having a party today and I hope I can go for a little. I need to talk to her without my parents being there lol. Parents always want to know everything that they don't learn at all. The best way to learn from your kids is to just sit back and watch. Evenually, you will pick up on their hobbies. That is how sometimes my parents use to do that for me. One top of that I was sick as hell, and still am.

 

When will the pain and sickness stop. I was working at wal-mart all day, and it didnt help that i was passing out. Now, some people would have left and said screw this. But what was on the back of my mind was the money and i need it to pay for school. It really does suck that I don't have a lot of money. It must be so great to be super rich and have anything you want in this world!

 

I pray for Rob every night, and hope that he comes back safely in one piece. My prayers go out to everyone, who is in pain or is going through a rough time. Instead of tortuing myself, i've imersed myself into the new age culture. Tolkien, mediation, yoga, writing, etc. The doors have opened for me, I can finally feel part two of my life to unfold.........

 

Lursa out.

[Lursa 0]

Captain's Log: Stardate: 0508.06

 

Relationships has been toying with my brains. I have everything else that I want in life, but love just doesn't seem to work with me at all. I can remember how it started. Middle school always seemed to be the worse for me, even with the subborn boys lol (aw those were the days lol). Out of all of the guys that I hanged out with Cameron Wolf is the one that I will always remember in a negative sence. Not only did he make fun of me, but he left hanging loud and dry.

 

Flashback......................(1999 A.D)

 

You wake up and it is a bright a sunny day......... Well, when I woke up that day, I didn't know what kind of weekend I was going to have. Now you see, me and Cameron don't get along a lot. Actually, when I see him, I want to see him bleed and plea for his mercy. But I know that I am better than that. He's one of the "bay boys" at my school. I know that he is bad, but I like that evilness. The way he laughs like the jokers, spits tocbaco when none is in his mouth. Now that's bad.

 

My parents don't know nothing. That is the way that I want it to be. Our first date together is tonight and im looking forward to it. Rob and him hang out and Rob is in a whole different league so I don't know if he's likes me or not in the first place. Sometimes I get him, sometimes I don't but I asked him before I was Cameron out. Rob doesn't know how I feel about him, if he did he would kill me right now.

 

Since it's a halloween dance I am going as myself lol. I scare enough people as it is. Cameron is going as a nerd and I know that he will look great. So my parents are ready to take me and I know like usual that will embrass me and make feel so uncool. When Cam came up to me he looked so cute, in a sick nerdy. Of course, I always look good no matter what. The dance is so boring...........................

 

END OF FLASHBACK...................

 

I have those from time to time, but he was the first of many guys to break my heart. He knew that I liked and Rob, but deep-down Rob will always be my first choice. Being alone at 18 is a sin lol, you're supposed to be having fun. My fun is limited and I just hope that I will have fun in college.

 

Checked out Half-price books (A great teen hangout lol) and got episodes 1-51 of Star trek for a 1.00 each! What a deal! What a deal! Watching them, will be a challege just as my challege of love contiudes. Plus, I got some Star Trek: Strange New Worlds collection, it's great everyone go out and buy a volume. I have 1,3,4,5, and 6.

 

As my progress contiudes, I will keep informed.................

 

Lursa out.

[Lursa 0]

Captain's Log: Stardate 0508.08

 

The weekend once again was me back at my house sad and lonely. Even today, I wanted to get out and then my parents got really tired. I wish that I was drving soon or else I will never learn. Mainly, I blame that on my parents, and the fact that we never have enough time to anything anymore. This whole summer was deicated to dealing with family issues; or people who don't even give a crap about us. Now don't get me wrong, I love some people in my family, but there are some that just drive me crazy.

 

Most of time I am reading and watching TOS! Kirk was so hot!!!!!!!!! lol. I think he was one of the very good looking guys of the 60's! But then, there were many more to come lol. Anne Rice's Blood and Gold aka the autobiograhy of Marius is excellent. It is a long read, but I know when i'm done it will be great to finish reading. My main goal is to finish all of my books in my collection. It will take time, but I know that I can do it!

 

Life can sometimes change without you even knowing it. I've grown and changed, and in myself I don't feel it. But, since i have been reading and understand zen you need to let go of the past and let your channels flow. My mind wants to not accept, but I need to that is the only way my soul will be at peace. Maybe, that is the reason why I have been having these strange dreams lately.

 

The powers of the human mind..............Well, my mind takes me beyond time and space, where nothing is like what it seems. I can remember everything in my dreams and sometimes my dreams become that part of my reality. Most of time, my friends or people that know will always been in my dreams. But, this one dream that I had was not like the others, it was more painful. I'm in this indian-style outfit looking out across the the sea. Two hands came behind me and grabbed.

 

I'm fighting to find out the heck that is, but I can't see their face. wisphering dirty things in my ear. The werid part was it stop at that moment and i wake on a beach. Then a huge tunsami wave is coming at me and then that is when I wake up...........

 

I will never understand that, but the dreams seem to be getting more and more powerful and sometimes I have a hard time sleeping at night. My body is hurting, and now I don't want to sleep and then I wake up feeling like crap. Sometimes is going on, and I need to find out what.

 

Lursa out.

[Validus 0]

Captain's Log: Stardate 0508.08

 

The powers of the human mind..............Well, my mind takes me beyond time and space, where nothing is like what it seems. I can remember everything in my dreams and sometimes my dreams become that part of my reality. Most of time, my friends or people that know will always been in my dreams. But, this one dream that I had was not like the others, it was more painful. I'm in this indian-style  outfit looking out across the the sea. Two hands came behind me and grabbed.

 

I'm fighting to find out the heck that is, but I can't see their face. wisphering dirty things in my ear. The werid part was it stop at that moment and i wake on a beach. Then a huge tunsami wave is coming at me and then that is when I wake up...........

 

I will never understand that, but the dreams seem to be getting more and more powerful and sometimes I have a hard time sleeping at night. My body is hurting, and now I don't want to sleep and then I wake up feeling like crap. Sometimes is going on, and I need to find out what.

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It seems obvious to me that the hands which come up from behind you are your own. The meaning of your dream, as I see it, is that you feel you are strangling/drowning yourself. I of course cannot guess why you might feel that way, only you can know for certain. Do you feel that you are, in some way, holding yourself back?

 

"Our life is shaped by our mind, we become what we think." -Buddha (from Dhammapada 1:1)

[Lursa 0]

Stardate: 0508.09

 

Sometimes, I do feel like im holding myself back. My parents do make it hard for me to be myself around at times. Well, that is how alot of teens feel like anyway in the first place. If they are werid, then the parents give them a hard time for. But now since i'm becoming a adult it is great to get some freedom from the parents.

 

Work was different today, I had the chance to meet the new assitant manager his name is John. He is such a werid person the first place. Maybe I need to get to know him better. Even the werid people, are some of nicest people on the planet. I'm losing more weight and i feel better. You see, I have been cutting eating because of the depression. But now, I got really sick a week ago, and now im back to normal. Depression is a hard thing to deal with it.

 

But now, this is not high school this is college and things need to change. The only person that knows you, is yourself. I know exactly what i need to do is nothing is going to stop me. My father asked me about Rob and the note that I mailed him. And you know what, he was like he should have mailed something back. Maybe he is so busy, but it is like i have lost a part of myself. It is the worse feeling in the world..........

 

Lursa out.