Newest Phaserman

[Odo 0]

:P

Van Roy's dream girl.

And Gary's got her.

Welcome to the board's KP

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

dirty pics? why would I want those when all I have to do is go visit her lol... I did happen to live with her for a little bit... When I was being stalked by the guy that assulted me.... Anyway... I'm nobodys dream girl trust me on that one... I'm to free spirited you can ask Gary. Besides I woldnt settle down for just anyone.. Gary is the only man that could ever get me to settle down... Besides you wouldnt want me I am a recovering drug addict and acoholic. I am very difficult to live with. I have nightmares to the point I have hit Gary when I toss about in my sleep. i tend to wake him up with my crying and screaming in my sleep. I dont know how he puts up with me

[Gummy 0]

dirty pics? why would I want those when all I have to do is go visit her lol... I did happen to live with her for a little bit... When I was being stalked by the guy that assulted me.... Anyway... I'm nobodys dream girl trust me on that one... I'm to free spirited you can ask Gary. Besides I woldnt settle down for just anyone.. Gary is the only man that could ever get me to settle down... Besides you wouldnt want me I am a recovering drug addict and acoholic. I am very difficult to live with. I have nightmares to the point I have hit Gary when I toss about in my sleep. i tend to wake him up with my crying and screaming in my sleep. I dont know how he puts up with me

I wouldn't call it, "putting up" with you.

He loves you unconditionally.

And that's a good thing. :P

[Odo 0]

As Gummy said he loves you

Love has no reason or Fact

you just love.

The good and the bad no questions.

You love and let be loved

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

Heres something you have to understand about me.. Gary is the first man I have been with that hasnt hit me or anything I have a very low self image and I tend to cut the hell out of my arms and legs... When I was homeless I didnt eat I droped down to 65lbs I am now a more healthy weight but I am steadily loseing weight again since I lost the baby.. It's hard for me...

[Gummy 0]

Heres something you have to understand about me.. Gary is the first man I have been with that hasnt hit me or anything I have a very low self image and I tend to cut the hell out of my arms and legs... When I was homeless I didnt eat I droped down to 65lbs I am now a more healthy weight but I am steadily loseing weight again since I lost the baby.. It's hard for me...

No woman deserves to be hit. No woman can do anything to provoke violence from me.

I was brought up to never raise my hand to a woman. It's wrong to do. There is no excuse.

Now that Gary is in your life, you need to take care of yourself. Let him love you and give you all the support that you need and deserve. He's a good man and he's good for you and to you. That's all that counts.

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

He is amazing and he treats me like I am a goddess. I'm not used to it. At times it scares the hell out of me... I love the way he loves me and I love him more then anyone could love another human being. He means everything to me and I couldnt live without him.

 

I used to think and at times still do that I deserved the abuse. The broken bones the sexual abuse and the assults that I did something to deserve them and at times I am scared of Gary. I have this fear of ciggarets because my ex's used to burn them in to my skin. I have a fear of being jumped from behind and I even fear when we have sex sometimes... I love him but at the same time I am very scared of him. I am 4'11 and 100lbs... he is two times that!

[Gummy 0]

I understand you're scared. That's a normal reaction to everything that you've been through. But, no. You didn't deserve ANY of the abuse that you've gotten over the years. NO WOMAN DOES. Don't be afraid of Gary. Always love him. Never fear him. I don't know his all that well, but he appears to me to be an honorable man. Love him and allow him to return that love.

You can conquer your fears with the passing of time. You have inner strength that you don't even know you have. Dig deep within yourself and tap that positive energy. You can do it. You know you can.

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

Personal log: Kira Phaserman Stardate: I'll get back you on that one...

 

Well heres what went on last night. I didn't sleep.. Well I did but I couldnt stay asleep my nightmare were so bad I was digging at my arms and screaming in my sleep Gary kept wakeing me up much to my relief and distress. I felt bad because he didn't get to sleep until 2am and I kept wakeing him up with my nightmares so I got up and went upstairs to let him sleep.

I think I know what was causeing the nightmares that I was haveing last night. It was the nightmares about the boyfriend that used me as a human ash tray to put his ciggarets out and used to tie me up and beat me with a baseball bat.. My ribs hurt so much. In my nightmares I feel everything. I had another nightmare about the frist assult and Gary didn't get to wakeing me up in time and my scar still hurts because in the dream I could feel the knife I could see and feel the blood on my hands. Gary hasnt been careful about how close his ciggarets get to me and it freaks me out becasue I instantly think he is going to burn me I know he would never do that but I cant help but feel that way.

Gary is one of the most honorable man I have ever met and I love him and this inner strength you speak of is there I know it is but I have so much running through my mind that I don't have a chance to tap that before everything overwhelmes me.

 

On another note my son... God, how do you tell your only child that you cant take care of him? That you think hes better off not living with you because no matter how I phrase it that is what a seven year old is gonna think and I don't want him to hate me. I love my son so much I just dont have the energy nor the money to take care of him he needs so much medical help and he needs 27/7 supervision and I cant provide that. But his god mother who cannot have kids. Has raised him and taken care of him because I was to young to take care of him and my parents didn't know he even existed until last month. What do you do? How do you tell him that hes better off without you because you have to many issues right now that you cant take care of him you cant even move down near him so that he can see you and talk to you on a daily basis. God dam what do I do?

[Gummy 0]

Kids today are much smarter than we often give them credit for. My two sons have come to realize that their birth mother isn't as kind and loving as they believed her to be. Which explains why my oldest now lives with me and my younger one is strongly considering it.

To tell him or not to tell him, that is the question. Only you will know the right answer. Which ever decision you make whether to tell him or not, is the right decision. Because you made it. No one else can tell you what to do.

Only you can. Follow your heart. Try to do what's right for all concerned. There are many lives that will be affected by your decision. Carefully weigh all options. Something that I use is called the five steps of Decision Making:

1) See the situation clearly;

2) Know what you want;

3) Expand the possibilities;

4) Evaluate and decide; and;

5) Act.

Try this and see if it helps you.

It certainly can't hurt.

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

Thanks for the advice Gummy. I know it is my choice and my choice only.. *sigh*

[Gummy 0]

Thanks for the advice Gummy. I know it is my choice and my choice only.. *sigh*

I know that it's difficult. This is where that Inner-Strength will come into play.

It's there. You and I both know it. Use it and let your conscience be your guide.

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

Some days I wish it were that easy. I'm going to have to tell him that he cant live with me and hes going to wanna know why thats were I falter is what to tell him there

[Gummy 0]

To tell a seven year old that he can't live with his mother is difficult. I had to tell a six-year old boy that he couldn't live with me. My son understood because he knew that he was better off with his mother. But, eventually, kids grow up and learn that things happen for a reason. Now, because my living conditions has improved immensely, He comes to stay with me on weekend and holidays and when I am on vacation. I'm proud that I have two very understanding kids.

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

Well, I explained to him the reason why he cant live with me. He knows that Gary and I want a baby and he is okay with it. He knows that he is better off with Crystal(his goddess mother) anyway becasue she knows the ins and outs of his medical conditions my son was born premature and was 4lbs 11onces and was in ICU for 3 months before I could take him home. He has a blood disorder that thins his blood and makes it easy for him to bleed to death or get a cold weather sickness such as the phamonia that he has been battleing since Oct of last year he was just released from ICU three weeks ago and was able to go home last week hes been in the hospital for months. Hes too weak and his immune system in basicaly none existant. I dont have the money to take care of him nor the energy to spend on a baby and him right now anyway. He knows that when he gets older he is more then welcome to visit me but he couldnt travel right now even if I could have him come up here.

[Gummy 0]

I'm sorry for him. It's a helluva thing for a little kid to be as sickly as he's been. He doesn't get to do the things that kids his age like to do because of this medical issues. Hopefully, he will get better with the advances of medical science, his chances grow better by the day.

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

I sure as hell hope so

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

I write a lot of poetry and I will warn you all it is very dark and depressing but then again you can read that for yourself.. FYI its not about Gary.. This poem was written along time ago.

 

This darkness pulls me down

Tearing at me from the inside out

You break me down

even when your not around

and what you leave me with

is an empty shell

a broken heart

shattered on the ground

you say you love me

but that cant be true

because all I am to you

is someone to abuse

someone to build yourself so high

make you feel like your god herself

but all you are is a useless bit*h

someone how abuses girls just for kicks...

[He Who Shall Not Be Named 2]

Here are some poems I plagarized.

 

WOMAN'S POEM

 

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep;

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

Who loves to listen all day long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call - not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind;

Knows what to respond to "How big's my behind?"

I pray that he loves me, this man, to no end,

Always remaining my very best friend.

 

MAN'S POEM

 

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge breasts

who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a poopoo.

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

You know thats acually funny... when I'm drunk... and I am drunk... thats sad when the only way its funny is if I am drunk...

 

So here are the rantings of a drunk woman I will warn you some of this content may tick some people off...

 

 

So yeah, people telling me that I am to unstable to have a baby right now I am already a god damn mother so I dont give a (I'm trying to say a bad word but can't) I know I can do it... You all may think I am to unstable or to (I'm trying to say a bad word but can't)ed up but I know what I am doing and know my marriage and baby come first and formost on the list.. so blah

[Gummy 0]

Why are you drunk? To begin with, you're not old enough to drink, are you?

According to your profile, you're 18, or is that wrong? You say that you want to have another baby. None of us here are trying to tell you what to do or how to live your life. All we're doing is responding to your posts. I think that the general consensus here is that everyone wants you and Gary to be happy. Nothing more, nothing less. I hope that things get better and stay better for you both. No one ever said that life is easy. Unlike Staples, there really isn't an "Easy Button". If there were, I would carry it with me always.

[He Who Shall Not Be Named 2]

You know thats acually funny... when I'm drunk... and I am drunk... thats sad when the only way its funny is if I am drunk...

 

So here are the rantings of a drunk woman I will warn you some of this content may tick some people off...

 

 

So yeah, people telling me that I am to unstable to have a baby right now I am already a god damn mother so I dont give a (I'm trying to say a bad word but can't) I know I can do it... You all may think I am to unstable or to (I'm trying to say a bad word but can't)ed up but I know what I am doing and know my marriage and baby come first and formost on the list.. so blah

 

Some day your kid will be old enough to read posts like these, if he isn't already.

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

What's that supossed to mean

[Theunicornhunter 2]

I have been hesitant to join this fray but I believe LVR has a point - if you post extensive details about your personal life you can't expect people not to respond or certainly not to have opinions.

 

Kira, I am sorry for all the things done to you beyond your control - but there comes a point where you do have control and you do now have control over what you do with your life.

 

You don't know what illness your son has - you should find out - what if it is genetic? Your description sounds something like hemophilia which is genetic. What if your next child is also sick are you ready for that?

 

If you think you might be getting pregnant soon - why are you drinking? Alcohol is poisonous to the developing child - if you wait until you're several weeks pregnant to quit you may have already done serious harm to the baby.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting a child with the person you love. But, love is hard, caring for a child is hard - it requires energy - physically and emotionally - even for people not already dealing with mental issues. It'll be a more rewarding experience if you make sure your relationship is likely to last and you have your mental issues under control beforehand. I hope you can find peace and get on top of your life.

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

I have been hesitant to join this fray but I believe LVR has a point - if you post extensive details about your personal life you can't expect people not to respond or certainly not to have opinions.

 

Kira, I am sorry for all the things done to you beyond your control - but there comes a point where you do have control and you do now have control over what you do with your life.

 

You don't know what illness your son has - you should find out - what if it is genetic? Your description sounds something like hemophilia which is genetic. What if your next child is also sick are you ready for that?

 

If you think you might be getting pregnant soon - why are you drinking? Alcohol is poisonous to the developing child - if you wait until you're several weeks pregnant to quit you may have already done serious harm to the baby.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting a child with the person you love. But, love is hard, caring for a child is hard - it requires energy - physically and emotionally - even for people not already dealing with mental issues. It'll be a more rewarding experience if you make sure your relationship is likely to last and you have your mental issues under control beforehand. I hope you can find peace and get on top of your life.

 

 

 

 

 

As far as drinking... I cant get pregnant right now.. I just had a miss carriage less then two weeks ago. I don't talk to my son alot its hard with the time constrantes and all that. But I was assure that it wasnt my genetics I was tested for that after he was bron. It was his sperm doner the one that assulted me is what they are thinking. I apologize for my bit*hing last night I was severly intoxicated and in a bad mood. I didn't mean what I said and that was stupid of me to get on the computer drunk.

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

Well, I finnaly found out what my son has

 

 

Hemophilia -A genetic blood disease that causes the blood to be unable to clot.

 

 

In a sense my baby could bleed to death...

[Kor37 9]

Why did it take 7 years to find out that he had hemophilia?... :blink:

[Gummy 0]

Why did it take 7 years to find out that he had hemophilia?... :blink:

You beat me to asking that very same question. That diagnosis should have been known far sooner than this.

[Kira T Phaserman 0]

Becasue its doctors. Apparently he was miss dignosed... But all the blood work and stuff from his hospital stay finnaly got him the right dignoses. THey had to send out the results and just got them back...

[He Who Shall Not Be Named 2]

Doctors are like mechanics - sometimes they get it wrong. My dad was rushed to the hospital a couple years ago. The paramedics weren't sure what happened but they ruled out a heart attack as a possibility. When they got to the hospital the doctors there also ruled out a heart attack. They still could not tell exactly what did happen so they sent him to a better hospital to figure it out and, sure enough, it was a heart attack after all.