dsbs

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Posts posted by dsbs

  2. Posted

    Me and my Hoshi........ 16%

    Me and any of several supermodels..... 12%-28%

    Me and the Borg queen..... 29%

    Me and Uhura.......  33%

    Me and T'Pol.......  11%

    Me and Porthos..... 68%  (riiiiiiight!)

    Me and a green '79 Chrysler Newport..... 76%

    Me and a Cuisinart food processor........  88%

    Me and a cheap Radio Shack solar-powered calculator......  98%

     

    Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places.... Guess I'd better ask out some inanimate objects.

    ROFL!! ^

     

    My real name and Brent - 73%

    My real name and Data - 18% (ahh well, I am a bit too young)

    Me and certain person 1 - 72%

    Me and certain person 2 - 68%

    Me and Porthos - 18%

    Me and my dog - 58% (ya right, 8 years, and he;s still the best puppy in the world!)

     

    Now I'm gonna try random names and see what gets me the highest because all of these suck!

     

    Me vs no-one - 45%

    Me and...other certain person 1 - 51%

    Me and...other certain person 2 - 41%

    Me and compter - 89%

    Me and books - 18% (Ok, now I KNOW this thing knows nothing!!)

    Me and television - 92% (heh)

     

    Alright, I give up!!

  3. Posted

    Nice parachute: never opened - used once

    ROFL!

     

    This is completely off topic, but I found it amusing:

     

    I was doing a search for friends season 5 to see if it was on it's way to being released or anything, and this is the response it gave me:

     

    We found no matches for "Friends season 5" . Below are results for "saxon".

     

    Thank you amazon.

  9. Posted

    2.Head of Starfleet has Bugblatter Beast Syndrome and thinks that if the enemy can't see us, we can't see them.

    7.External shots of the ship would be extremely dull.

    8.Don't want to admit that for once, Klingons had a really good idea.

     

    I can't breathe!!

  11. Posted

    Picard: "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay. I sleep all night and I work all day! I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars!"

    Riker: "I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, I li- Oh, God..."

    Worf: "We must extract the information from this unbeliever under pain of torture! GET... THE COMFY CHAIR!!!"

    Data: "This parrot it no more! It has ceased to be! He's run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir! This... is an ex-parrot!"

    Laforge: "And now for something completely different."

    Crusher: "Yeah, we deal wit' stiffs. Now, there's t'ree t'ings we can do wit yer mum: bury 'er, burn 'er, or dump 'er in the Thames."

    Troi: "Yes, well that's the sort of blinkered, phillistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome spotty behinds, not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling artist! You excrement! You whining hypocritical toadies with your color TV sets and your expensive golf clubs and your bleedin' Starfleet secret handshakes! You wouldn't let me join, would you, you black-balling bastards! I wouldn't

    become a Starfleet officer if you went down on your lousy, stinking knees and begged me!!!"

    ::pant, pant::

  13. Posted

    OMG, I love this one:

    How many TREKKERS does it take to change a light bulb ? Okay, so ,y'know, like, in that episode where Spock gets attacked by those vomit looking things, and, like, he starts doing weird stuff, like, he takes over the ship and it gets Kirk really mad, so they find out that they can use this super-bright light, but it was bogus, 'cause McCoy used the wrong kind of light, and it makes Spock blind ,so, like......what kind of light bulb are you talking about ??

     

    Also, here's some more:

     

    HOW THEY CHANGE THE LIGHTBULBS ON TNG:

     

    Beverly says, "Jean-Luc, there's something I've been meaning to tell you....."

     

    A bulb suddenly fizzles out on the bridge.

     

    Riker asks what the hell happened.

     

    Troi says, "Captain, I sense - darkness".

     

    Data does a complete sweep of the ship, and informs Picard that as well as the light bulb on the bridge, 33 other light bulbs on decks 5-29 have gone out, and some fluorescent tubes in Ten-Forward are about to blow.

     

    Geordi reports from engineering that the Enterprise's supply of light bulbs have mysteriously disappeared. (It later transpires that the bulbs were taken by the Organians, who return them, apologizing for inconveninecing the crew - "It's just that we mistook them for our young".

     

    Worf recommends they attack at once.

     

    Picard eases everybody's minds with a charming story about the early life of Thomas Edison and how his example should be looked upon as inspiration for Starfleet officers.

     

    With Barclay's help, Geordi is able to replicate just enough light bulbs to fill their needs. He also assigns a number of engineers to go throughout the ship and install them.

     

    Wesley helps by going up on a ladder and cleaning the contact points with a pencil eraser. Unfortunately he slips off the ladder and breaks his leg.

     

    Picard notes with delight the improved view on the bridge. He has the Enterprise set course for AlphaBeta 5, and says "Engage".

     

     

    Well, we've had the TOS and TNG procedures, now I guess it's time we learned:

     

    HOW THEY CHANGE THE LIGHT BULBS ON DEEP SPACE NINE

     

    One of the bulbs suddenly goes out in Ops.

     

    Sisko testily asks what is going on.

     

    O'Brien says that it's the light bulbs - and that oddly a large number of them have been failing with regularity lately.

     

    Kira suggests that it might be a Cardassian plot to de-moralize the Federation to leave the station.

     

    Sisko kindly - but firmly - asks that the bulbs be replaced. As he goes into his office, we see the lights go out suddenly.

     

    Odo immediately launches a station-wide investigation - starting with Quark. (He remembers some Sacred Rule of Acquisition - number unknown - which states "if an opportunity for profit does not currently exist, it is entirely justifiable to invent one").

     

    O'Brien reports from Engineering that there doesn't seem to be any spare light bulbs available on the station - the Cardassians must have taken every spare with them when they left. Worse yet, they're of some weird proprietary design which uses a 223-pin connector and a volatile form of gas which can't be readily replicated.

     

    Dax offers to help O'Brien in trying to jury-rig some new light bulbs - she has some experience, coming from an earlier incarnation, "Bubba" Dax, free-lance Trill electrician, some 200 years ago.

     

    At lunch, Bashir mentions to Garak about the problems the station's been having with the light bulbs. Garak, smiling, says he's sure that the problem can be readily solved.

     

    A bulb in Quark's Bar suddenly goes out. Morn belches and passes out.

     

    Contacted by Sisko, Gul Dukat expresses his condolences over the problems with the light bulbs, but unfortunately his hands are tied regarding getting new light bulbs to the station, as all light bulbs manufactured on Cardassia are immediately earmarked for the Obsidian Order - "and as you know, Commander, light bulbs are an important tool we use in the interrogation process."

     

    Quark mentions that there just MIGHT be a way for him to procure some light bulbs - but he can't promise just WHEN he can get them. However, if the Feds could see to it that he gets his palm greased with enough latinum he could....Kira punches him so hard it

    leaves a Ferengi-shaped hole in the wall.

     

    Kai Winn contacts the station and ominously states that any attempt to make new light bulbs (which she would consider as mocking the sacredness of the appearance of the "gods" in the wormhole) would be considered blasphemous by the Bajorans - and an act of war.

     

    Garak suddenly appears on the bridge - with a box of light bulbs! Seems he was cleaning out the storeroom in his shop - trying to find the source of some weird sound - and found it hidden behind a box full of zippers. "Just doing my civic duty for my hosts", he says. Bashir flashes him a quick "SURE you are!" look.

     

    Quark berates Rom for making noises while they were back in Garak's storeroom. "You know I always like to hum when I work!" Rom remonstrates.

     

    Odo files his report - turns out it WASN'T the light bulbs burning out. He had caught Jake and Nog red-handed, playing with the circuit breakers, while disguised as the step-stool they used to reach the box.

     

     

    AND

     

    Q - how many Tamarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A - Sylvania, when the lamp failed.

  16. Posted

    These are great :( :(

     

    My favourites:

     

    Question: What did the first officer answer when Picard asked "Why did you let Troi win at poker?"

    Answer: "Because I Riker."

     

    Question: What is Thomas Riker's dating philosophy?

    Answer: "If at first you don't succeed, try Troi again." :(

     

    Bysty, that was hilarious, but disgusting

  17. Posted

    I loved these 3:

     

    Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

    A. Poke yourself in the eye.

     

    Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

    A. You really shouldn't do that.

     

    Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

    A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

     

    ROFL!!

  22. Posted

    Oh wow - it's like those "further proof that the human race is doomed" forward! (by the way, if anyone has a copy of that, could they post it here, cause I can't find it...you know, the ones with labels like instructions on peanut bag: open bag; eat nuts)

     

    It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full suit of armour. - so, what, if I leave off one of the shoes it's okay??