prometheus 0 Posted February 4, 2004 > I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to > arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. > > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire > in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have > your kayak and heat it. > > So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said > "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said > "You're closest". > > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the > night before and shoot the fox. > > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her > up, I said "Did you get my drift?". > > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make > complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are > pickled onions". > > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to > pull a fast one". > > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said > "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". > > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". > He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". > > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to > pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. > > So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it > was Wedgie Kray. > > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with > a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said > "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". > > But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered > competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. > > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about > your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness". > > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a > catholic converter. > > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance > caller", he said "Not you again". > > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and > there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the > salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that > as a condiment". > > Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example > Goran, even he's a witch. > > And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's > bisatchel. > > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a > barcode. I said "Are you two an item?". > > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, > I thought "That's a turtle disaster". > > Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't > want your type in here" > > A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but > don't start anything" > > A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is > this some kind of joke?" > > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve > food in here" > > Dyslexic man walks into a bra > > A seal walks into a club... > > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: > "Pint please, and one for the road." > > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up > to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." > > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing > in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After > about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to > disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he > said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." > > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in > ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would > win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. > > A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes > to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family > in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of > himself to > his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she > wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But > they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jim Phaserman 0 Posted February 4, 2004 Ya know, Even though I am not a brit, I got alot of those and thought they were quite Funny, really. good ones, really. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Mike_Hines01 Posted February 5, 2004 Very funny Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hangon 3 Posted February 5, 2004 FUNNY JOKES I liked the dutch one i live in holland it was good :) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheDoctor 0 Posted February 5, 2004 (edited) > A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes > to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family > in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of > himself to > his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she > wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But > they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the > night before and shoot the fox. hahaha!!! They are great! :) Edited February 5, 2004 by thedoctor Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bearded ape 0 Posted February 5, 2004 they where all funny exept the turtle one. i didnt get it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
removed 0 Posted February 5, 2004 Haha. Those are funny. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
A l t e r E g o 9 Posted February 6, 2004 I too thought they were very good. I even sent a copy of them to my uncle who is always sending me things to share here. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
