The Mother-in-law issue

[Madame Butterfly 0]

Ok, here's something my friends and I have been having heated discussions about.

 

Mommy.

 

Should any spouse EXPECT at some time that when they get married it's them and the mother.

 

That in marrying, they also marry the mother.

 

 

Now, I don't mean that families merge. That's an obvious.

 

What I mean is that Mom is expected right from the start to move in with you and live with you.

 

The women seem to be of the mind "NEVER", while the men seem to vary.

 

So I thought I'd like to see what you all think.

 

BTW- in this scenerio, the Mom isn't old.

 

She's lively, vivacious, and works. She can support herself, and has her own interests.

 

She isn't elderly. She isn't poor. She isn't anything that would make it necessary to determine if she goes into a nursing home, or move in with family.

[LordOfTheBorg 1]

No, there is a time when you seperate from your parents

[Angela 1]

No way.

 

I know in the coming years I will have to face this, I just don't want my father living with me. I would end up not wanting to sleep with my husband. And my father woulld mess with my relationship with odd little comments. I know parents are zalways trying to help, but some just don't know the line between help and interference. my father is one of thme. That was the perspective I am coming from on this. All parents try to help. And I am sorry if I need help I ask. I don't want it it uninvited.

 

Whoa! Rant done. sorry.

[Kor37 9]

No way. There is no reason for a mother to live with her child and her spouse. This is especially true for newlyweds. A couple has to establish their own relationship. Having the mother around would complicate this.

On the other hand, if the parent is too ill or too old to live on their own, the situation would be completely different. If my in-laws were in this situation, I would not hesitate to open my house to them. It would be the decent thing to do. I would never want to see my parents or my in-laws have to go to a nursing home. Most of those places are houses of horror. If the parents wanted to maintain some degree of independence, another option is an assisted living home. Some of these places are great and the people there seem really happy. You get your own apartment and can come and go as you please. If the parents didn't have any significant health issues, I would suggest one of those places as an option and I would even pay for it if necessary.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

I want to know who voted yes!!! :) Mostly because I want to know if it's a man.

 

 

 

When I was younger, my Mother made me promise never to take her in. But thats not really an issue, because both of my parents are so active, that they'd rather die out doing something than letting life pass them by.

 

Now my neighbors had an arrangement where his mother lived with them.

 

She was a most unhappy woman, because her mother-in-law ruled the roost. I always felt sorry for her, because I don't think her spouse realized how she couldn't blossom as a woman in her own home.

 

In my opinion, there must be a break from the parents.

 

And unfortunately, even though there may be that break, one spouse may wish to spend an extraordinary amount of time with his parents, one that may make it difficult for the couple to establish their own traditions, or explore different traditions.

 

Now if it were after years of marriage, and the spouse had shown that they were very loyal and respectful to their spouse, that they had seperated in their parents through thick and thin, THEN if a parent really needed the help or perhaps even an apartment over the garage arrangement, than that would be ok.

 

I agree Kor, newlyweds of any age need that time to get their marriage rolling. Getting used to being married is quite the adjustment.

[Chataeya 0]

I didn't vote because it would be ww3 happening here. Don't get me wrong I lvoe my mother-in-law to death but her in my home...... Lord No! She just had surgery on thursday, had to have a major vein cleaned out from a boclkage and has a 7 inches cut on the side of her neck and yesterday she decided to go across the street from her home to a neighbors house for lunch. My husband called to check on her and no answer on the phone for quite sometime . Needless to say he has a fit and called the police not knowing where she was......( thought something bad had happen). If she where to move in she would drive us nuts. :)

[Madame Butterfly 0]

SEE!!!

 

That's a point one of the fellows made that I'm friends with that I totally agree with.

 

Just because you are friends it doesn't mean you can live together.

[Theunicornhunter 2]

Another benefit of being single....no in-laws.

 

MB, did you start this thread in honor of today being Mother-in-law day?

 

My answer, it depends. In some cultures multifamily households aren't uncommon. In the US it is rare.

 

I agree with what others have said that a young couple just starting out should have their own home. As for when parents get older I guess that depends on the situation - I think it would be difficult at any age but it would be difficult for the in-law as well.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

No, I didn't even know it was Mother -in - law Day.

 

Too much hype here over the White Sox to notice that.

 

 

I started it just as I said.

 

For about 2 weeks I have had discussions regarding this, with one person it got very heated because they really want to make sure their Mom is safe, because their father isn't a factor anymore.

 

So I wanted to hear what everyone else had to say.

[youbroughtheryouRiker 2]

I said no. But I don't condescend on cultures that practice that. I've heard of some cultures where the initial consummation of a new marriage involves both families as spectators. Talk about performance anxiety!

 

That said, the situation WOULD be different if my parents needed assistance in living. The decision would be made on a few factors:

 

-I just would not feel right just sticking my parents (and hopefully also my in-laws) in a retirement home.

-Now, my mother's parents both lived in a nursing home towards the end of their lives. So, I know not all nursing homes are like the horror stories.

-The amount of assistance needed would be considered as well.

-This would OBVIOUSLY involve discussions with my spouse. I would not make this decision unilaterally.

-My parents would probably choose a retirement home over living with me, saying they wouldn't want to be a burden on me (though I'm sure my living habits would probably have something to do with that, too. lol)

[Wishfire 2]

It would be pretty hard for her mother to move in... I'm the one who moved in. :)