Stupid things that people do, or say

[Lollypop 0]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

 

* On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

 

* On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

 

* On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

 

* On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."

 

* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."

 

* On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

 

* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body.

 

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

 

* On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

 

* On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

 

* On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

 

* On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."

 

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

 

* On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

 

* On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

 

* On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food."

 

* On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison control."

 

* On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."

[trekkergirl220 0]

LOL! THOSE ARE HILARIOUS!

 

I especially love:

 

* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."

 

* On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."

 

* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body.

 

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

 

 

:) :) :) :) :) :)

[Theunicornhunter 2]

My favorite is still the warning they print on those windshield screens you put in your car during the day.

 

"Remove screen before operating vehicle"

[Lessa_Soong 0]

the sad thing is i actually know people how need that warning on the iron! :)

[Lollypop 0]

* On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." ... ouch !

 

 

 

* On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison control." ... You have to worry about this one :)

[RikerChick 5]

* On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." ... ouch !

:) :) :)

[Captain Jean-Luc Picard 1]

Well, I agree on the toothpaist one. As for the others, I agree, they are over the top! :)

[fredbroca 0]

As Jeff Foxwothey has said somebody had to do those things before they would have thought to put that warning on. Something to think about.

[Xeroc 0]

If you liked those go here:

 

http://www.dumbwarnings.com/

 

it has all sorts of hilarious stupid warnings - on toys, signs, etc.

 

 

My favorites:

Unknown Air Conditioner

"Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows."

 

 

Life saving device

"This is NOT a life saving device!!!"

 

 

The sign reads, "Ignore this sign".

 

 

A sign indicates a left bend in the road. Underneath is a sign stating "Keep Right".

 

 

And the one that shows military intelligence really is an oxymoron...

[Takara_Soong 4]

One of my all time favourite signs was one I saw in an elevator that said "Do not exit until doors open".

 

Those were great!

[bevfanK 0]

LOL those are great :)

[Lollypop 0]

I loved the dumb laws especially in England. :)

[bevfanK 0]

Oh I saw somewhere that on a road someone put 'LOOOK' instead of 'LOOK' :)

I'll try and find the pic

[nellis 0]

Those are great :)

[trekkergirl220 0]

Click for Spoiler:

If you liked those go here:

 

http://www.dumbwarnings.com/

 

it has all sorts of hilarious stupid warnings - on toys, signs, etc.

 

 

My favorites:

Unknown Air Conditioner

"Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows."

 

 

Life saving device

"This is NOT a life saving device!!!"

 

 

The sign reads, "Ignore this sign".

 

 

A sign indicates a left bend in the road. Underneath is a sign stating "Keep Right".

 

 

And the one that shows military intelligence really is an oxymoron...

lol! great link! those are really funny!

 

haha, neat pics too! :lol:

[Lollypop 0]

classified classic ads

 

Click for Spoiler:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

 

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by

waitresses in appetizing forms.

 

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

 

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

 

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

 

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to

take home, too.

 

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

 

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

 

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

 

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it

really repellent.

 

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

 

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

 

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh

vagetables, salads, quiche.

 

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered

with golden fried onion rings.

 

Great Dames for sale.

 

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

 

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

 

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges,

the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

 

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

 

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

 

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis

Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and

Chopin.

 

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim

in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

 

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other

athletic facilities.

 

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

 

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.

Automatically burns toast.

 

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots

of women wear nothing else.

 

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

 

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

 

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

 

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .

 

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes

and Gardens.

 

For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

 

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

 

Man, honest. Will take anything.

 

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

 

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

 

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

 

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

 

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

 

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

 

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

 

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

 

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

 

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and

smacks included.

 

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

 

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll

never go anywhere again.

 

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

 

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

 

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business,

and be willing to get hands dirty.

 

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

 

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross

and salary.

 

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume

general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth

of family.

 

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for

efficient beating.

 

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

 

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

 

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,

unrivaled inconvenience.

 

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

 

 

 

And these beauties from the radio:

 

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

 

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed

to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

 

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle

with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

 

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from

the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

[ddillard 2]

These are hilarious, and here is a couple more.

 

 

Rat Poison

Do not eat.

 

Hair spray.

Do not use near open flame.

[Sam The Smuggler 1]

* On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

WTF!!??? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

I don't even want to know how or why they came up with that one :lol:

[trekbabe 0]

LMAO. Sooo funny, i'm going to mail this page to my brothers and sis...they'll love it.

[jdigs 0]

* On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

WTF!!??? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

I don't even want to know how or why they came up with that one :lol:

Somebody somwhere.tried to stop the blade with....once...whew..

[TrekkieMage 0]

LMAO! :lol:

[TrekkieMage 0]

If you liked those go here:

 

http://www.dumbwarnings.com/

 

it has all sorts of hilarious stupid warnings - on toys, signs, etc.

 

 

My favorites:

Unknown Air Conditioner

"Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows."

 

 

Life saving device

"This is NOT a life saving device!!!"

 

 

The sign reads, "Ignore this sign".

 

 

A sign indicates a left bend in the road. Underneath is a sign stating "Keep Right".

 

 

And the one that shows military intelligence really is an oxymoron...

:lol: :lol: LMAO!!!!

 

I love that last one! :lol: :lol:

[Yillara Skye 1]

These are great :lol:

 

 

Unknown Air Conditioner

"Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows."

... heehee I have seen this one happen, my dad used to own an A/C company and we'd get silly things like this all the time(I think one time it was out of a third story window!)

[Sarah 0]

That was tooooooooooooooooooooo Funny!!!!! :lol:

[Lollypop 0]

Arkansas Scholars

 

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)

 

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

 

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

 

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

 

Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

 

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

 

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

 

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

 

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

 

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

 

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

 

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

 

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

 

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie

 

Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.

 

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

 

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

 

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

 

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

 

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

 

Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

 

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

 

Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

[Lollypop 0]

Car Accidents:

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

 

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

 

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

 

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

 

"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

 

"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

 

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

 

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

 

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

 

"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

 

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

 

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

 

"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

 

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

 

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

 

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

 

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

 

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

 

"My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

 

"I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

 

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

 

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

 

"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

 

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

 

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

 

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

 

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

 

"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

 

"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

 

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

 

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

 

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished

[TrekkieMage 0]

LOL!! :o

[Riaan 0]

* On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

WTF!!??? B) B) :lol: :)

 

I don't even want to know how or why they came up with that one :o

Somebody somwhere.tried to stop the blade with....once...whew..

OMG, what were they thinking?!!!

[Yillara Skye 1]

B)

 

well here is a couple I saw on a pagfe my mom receives each day..

 

"The moon is like the earth, only deader"

"Magnet: what you find crawling over a dead cat"

"For nosebleeds put your nose lower than your heart until your heart stops beating"

There's more but can't remember them all(It was a very long list)

[Lollypop 0]

Courtroom Quotations

 

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity

 

 

Click for Spoiler:

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

Witness: "I only have one, you know.

 

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"

Witness: "By death."

Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

 

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "id you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

 

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"

Witness: "July 15th."

Lawyer: "What year?"

Witness: "Every year."

 

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"

Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

 

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"

Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."

Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"

Witness: "Er...his face."

 

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"

Witness: "I forget."

Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

 

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"

Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."

Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"

Witness: "Forty-five years."

 

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"

Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"

Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

 

Lawyer: "id you blow your horn or anything?"

Witness: "After the accident?"

Lawyer: "Before the accident."

Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

 

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "id the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"

Witness: "Yes, sir."

Lawyer: "What did she say?"

Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

 

Lawyer: "octor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "id you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "id you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

 

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

 

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"

Officer: "Yes, I do."

Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"

Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

 

Lawyer: "What happened then?"

Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"

Lawyer: "id he kill you?"

Witness: "No."

 

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"

Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

 

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

 

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

 

Lawyer: "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?"

 

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

 

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

 

 

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

 

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

 

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"

Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."

Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

 

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."

Witness: "That's me."

Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

 

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

 

Lawyer: "o you know how far pregnant you are now?"

Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."

Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

 

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

Witness: "Four times."

 

Lawyer: "o you have any children or anything of that kind?"

 

Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "How many were boys?"

Witness: "None."

Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

 

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

 

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

 

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"

Witness: "Not yet."

 

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

 

Lawyer: "o you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"

Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."

Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

 

Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"

Witness: "Borofkin."

Lawyer: "What's his first name?"

Witness: "I can't remember."

Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"

Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

 

Lawyer: "octor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"

Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

 

Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"

Witness: "Fair."

 

Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"

Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

 

Lawyer: "octor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

 

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"

Witness: "Yes sir."

Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

 

Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

 

The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

 

Lawyer: "id he pick the dog up by the ears?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"

Witness: "Picking them up in the air."

Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"

Witness: "Attached to the ears."

 

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"

Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

 

Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"

Witness: "Oral."

Lawyer: "How old are you?"

Witness: "Oral."

 

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"

Witness: "She is my daughter."

Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

 

Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

 

Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

 

Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"

Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."

Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

 

Lawyer: "id you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"

Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

 

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"

Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."

Lawyer: "It was covered?"

Witness: "Yes, bandaged."

Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"

Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

 

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"

Witness: "I could see his head."

Lawyer: "And where was his head?"

Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

 

Lawyer: "o you drink when you're on duty?"

Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

 

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"

Witness: "The victim lived."

 

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."

Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

 

Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"

Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."