Bluecrystal's Journey

[BlueCrystal 0]

The nurse from the Gyno called me today the surgery is scheduled for August 17th. I have to be there at 6:00 a.m. The nurse said she also checked on the Lupron Depot but kept the surgery schedule incase the Lupron was a no go. :o

 

Tomorrow I am to go back to the dentist, lucky me, I think I see more of that dentist than his wife and kids. It's for a cleaning. What a way to spend a vacation with two doctors wanting to work on different parts of my body. At least the Dentist doesn't want to remove anything

 

My husband said he's there for me with paying the bills and we can manage without my paycheck for a month or two but the $$ isn't my concern. It's a issue don't get me wrong but what I need from Daniel is emotional support. A hug or a kiss from him would do me a world of good. With or without my uterus and ovaries I still want to be treated like a woman and have my husband love me like a husband would. Maybe I'm asking for too much.

[BlueCrystal 0]

Just got back from the Dentist a bit ago. I see more of that man than his wife I think. He was telling about his children. He has a son that's three or four years old. I think he could see in my eyes how it hurt to hear of children as he stopped short of talking about babysitters. He's a great dentist and he and my old dentist work in a partnership as my old dentist is semi-retired now.

 

I had to have a cleaning today and didn't really mind any of the stuff they do. I usually just close my eyes and pick a day dream to visit. In the old dentist office he had Norman Rockwell prints and I could flow into them and be there as the children playing or whatever the people in the prints were doing. I could relax and feel a million miles away from it all.

[BlueCrystal 0]

Daniel writes to me via his pager to my pager. He knows I have been depressed and I slept too much today. I should of gone to get my check today but I just wanted to lay around. I had cramps and back pain today, the meds aren't working anymore. Daniel says he tries to comfort and he spoke of God and oh so much glory that God has laid before me and the blindness of my soul to see it. I don't know if I want to see it or accept it right now. In this life I've had so much pain and sorrow and I feel I was given little but I don't feel as though I gave up, I'm just tired of climbing and never getting to a place where I can stop or rejoice. The journey is ongoing...

[Jeanway 0]

You do sound unhappy . I'm sorry. I was involved too with doctors for a time and I also felt the same way you do right now. All can tell you BC is two words. "Scare Tactics". I lived through that. We can talk on IM, it's more private. I can't tell you what you need to do to be happy. Just what I've learned about the process. It is a journey and sometimes the journey is better than the destination. You just need to find the right door BC, that's all. You'll get better.

[BlueCrystal 0]

My mother wrote me an e-mail she insist on coming to Ohio to see me the week of my operation. Ugh!!! My mother is a good person but I know by seeing her I'll just cry more. I'm a big girl and still my parents refuse to let me grow up. My parents will most likely offer to *buy* me a baby. I wouldn't put it pst them, of course, Daniel and I don't live that way and we try to keep within our means but my parents tend to see and think everything has a price tag on it.

[BlueCrystal 0]

I did something that I rarely do. I phoned home...my parents actually. It was suggested that I call my mother as Daniel is concerned about me and thinks I need my mother at a time like this. Now what on Earth does a woman that had 7 children know about being barren, suffering from Endometriosis, and going to pieces about having a Hysterectomy? I listened to Daniel and phoned my mother. Keep in mind that Daniel can't stand the sight of my mother and thinks she the battle axe from h*ll but yet he said that's your mother and she's old, she knows you and she can't fix you but she can make you see reason like no other. Mother agrees with the Doctor and Daniel that I should have the surgery and set my hearts desire on something else. I may be sending my post from Florida in late August as mother says I will be there recovering and that my brother will take Travis Spencer for a couple weeks. Sounds like my mother is making plans. Why did I even tell her?

[BlueCrystal 0]

I went to the Gynecologist today as I was approved by my insurance to take Lupron Depot to avoid the Hysterectomy. I wanted to cry. I feel so lost with all this and to add insult to injury they wanted to do a pregnancy test on me! I got one of the doctors to sign off on that by saying my husband and I hadn't had sex at all this year and the worse thing about it was it was the truth. I just don't see a point in doing it if not for procreation (with the Endometiosis Stage III most likely I'm sterile) and Daniel doesn't seem to mind as long the house is clean, I have cookies or cake baked, and I cook for him when he's home.

 

I felt more like a test subject than a person and I was then sat in a room after my shot for 5 minute. I hated it but after sitting an hour in the waiting room to get my shot and be able to leave it was worth it. To be most truthful about it, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would but for a slight burning feeling when the nurse pressed the drug into my body. I found it far more disturbing to me on the emotional level was them suggesting a pregnancy test. How insulting!

[Jeanway 0]

Oh Sweetie, I'm so sorry :biggrin:

[Odie 0]

I went to the Gynecologist today as I was approved by my insurance to take Lupron Depot to avoid the Hysterectomy.  I wanted to cry.  I feel so lost with all this and to add insult to injury they wanted to do a pregnancy test on me!  I got one of the doctors to sign off on that by saying my husband and I hadn't had sex at all this year and the worse thing about it was it was the truth.  I just don't see a point in doing it if not for procreation (with the Endometiosis Stage III most likely I'm sterile) and Daniel doesn't seem to mind as long the house is clean, I have cookies or cake baked, and I cook for him when he's home. 

 

I felt more like a test subject than a person and I was then sat in a room after my shot for 5 minute.  I hated it but after sitting an hour in the waiting room to get my shot and be able to leave it was worth it.  To be most truthful about it, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would but for a slight burning feeling when the nurse pressed the drug into my body.  I found it far more disturbing to me on the emotional level was them suggesting a pregnancy test.  How insulting!

247814[/snapback]

 

I am so sorry you had to go through all that. Sometimes the medical profession sometimes lack feelings and understanding when it comes to their patients. The pregnancy test is standard procedure for the treatment that you have go through. They should have explain that to you. I know it was very difficult for you go through. My prays are with you.

[Angela 1]

the med proffession does like to cover their backs in case of litigation, but now it seems to be a the detriment of the patient who they are menat to be helping.

I am so sorry you had to go thrpugh that.

[BlueCrystal 0]

It's been awhile since I wrote in my log. I felt the urge to many times but I really don't want to remember any of the past months. I did visit my parents home in Florida in mid September for my 40th birthday. After nearly 16 years my mother actually said some kind things about Daniel. I guess she's forgiven me for running off and marrying him like I did. She sent a limo to pick me up at the airport. Mom and Dad's house was lovely and far different than the houses I grew up in, unfortunately the bed wasn't. It had no give and an very very firm mattress. It was good to be home, even if it wasn't the home or state I knew but I learned wherever your family is that is home. I have been on my Lupron shots for several months now and my periods have stopped and my mood swings aren't as bad. In speaking to my counselor she says I seem to be a lot better without the problems my periods presented me on a emotional level. I don't even get hot flashes. In many ways I feel as I did in my pre-adolesence years. I have time to do as I please but at times I feel so alone. I think about the charming background noises of my siblings and me growing up and the *comfort* noises in the night as we slept someone was always about the house doing something. Daniel use to get angry with me when he would discover I would fall asleep with the television on. Sounds I wasn't suppose to hear after my brothers brought home German Measles to me from school when my parents allowed them to go to public school. Sometimes I feel I missed out on so much, not going to school, dances, friends, and going to the mall.

 

Daniel is away on yet another haul and won't be home until Saturday. He says he has a surprise for me. :) I most likely will receive another pager or phone from him. I hate those things. He seems fascinated by them by I would rather be made to tap dance through a pit of vemous snakes. He's good to me but we are very different when the importance of phones and pagers in our lives are concerned. I find myself missing Daniel and the house is eerily quiet. How I wish it hear something come from the empty rooms. I'm lucky our house isn't that big but still I wish I had a roommate or someone around. The children by marriage have there own lives and Daniel's parents only visit me at my work. I sometimes dread the end of my work day and having to come home even with the dogs here. When I get restless Daniel just allows me to re-decorate or re-model, enough is enough. I need to grow somehow but I clueless as to what I need in my life.

[Jaz4stfguy 0]

Hey BC! I'm experiencing the "empty nest" syndrome, in a way. At one time , there were eight of us under one roof, plus a golden retriever named Mitzi. Now, there are four of us, and one soon to be employed and off on his own. Plus a golden named Jazmine, and a cat Davy. And a few fish. < the number of them varies, we seem to have trouble keeping them alive . :) I hope Daniel gives you a "surprise" that you can use. Take care, Jaz :pepsi:

[BlueCrystal 0]

Today was the fifth in the series of six injections of Lupron Depot. My husband called me during my appointment with the nurse and I was rather short with him. He's gone hunting it West Virginia with one of his friends. Most likely I won't hear from him in a week or two as he gets upset and will hide from me when I lose my temper. It's odd how two people can grow up in the region and yet speak two totally different languages that sound alot like American, but the words mean very different things. I didn't mean to be annoyed with him but the treatments are very closely watched and I have to play 20 questions with the nurse. After I had gotten my injection I tried to call Daniel back but I just got his machine. He knows with the holidays I feel very lonely and depressed and I often hide out from his folks and I have very little contact with mine.

 

I took my rings off to have them cleaned and my hand feels very different without them. The other day I had a dream that I gave Daniel my wedding ring back and just walked away. He was screaming at me and chasing after me but it was like I didn't hear him or see him. I found the dream frightening as he's been so much to me in the life I chose. Sometimes I look at him and wonder what it would be like if he agreed to convert and we stayed in the places I grow up, but I doubt he would have been happy. I can't imagine life without Daniel. Someday, I think I will go out and hunt with him but I have no intention of killing anything, I just want to be near him.

[Lursa 0]

I know how you feel. I care for someone that way was well, but he doesn't know how much i care about him. I love him alot and i think that he is a great person to be around. Sometimes, we not meet eye to eye on some things, but i still agree to do things so that i learn more about him.

[BlueCrystal 0]

Another day in paradise. I worked all day dealing with hundreds of people and the many orders they made. I stopped by dept. 91 and purchased a Christmas tree. I've never been fond of the holiday, as a small child I felt as through I was thrust into a holy war every holiday season with my parents at odds with one another. My sister seemed oblivious to the anger, steely stares, and the harsh words my parents inflicted on each other. I would beg that the holiday be skipped all together at the objection of my siblings. Daniel promised me shortly after we married that I never had to celebrate Christmas unless I wanted to but my counselor thinks it's important that I re-define the experience as an adult. I've been baking cookies and I sent gifts to my parents. I also am going to do my best to share Christmas with Daniel but that's far too personal a plan to post here. :blush 2: I have hopes it's going to be fun or at least interesting.

[BlueCrystal 0]

This a test.  This is only a test of the emergency *colors* system...

 

WOW!!! It worked!!!

[BlueCrystal 0]

Learning to do this has made my day!!!

[Odie 0]

Merry Christmas!

[BlueCrystal 0]

B) Thanks Odie :(

[BlueCrystal 0]

:band: Today is the final day I will receive the Lupron Depot injections. I'm hoping that the treatment worked and I'll be well for several years. Daniel wants me to go on disability due to the pain of Endo, depression, and my not being able to move painfree or do a lot now.

[BlueCrystal 0]

I was caught short in my last post as Daniel was calling and I ended things rather quickly. I think being on disability is like the last thing I want to do. I have to admit that nearly every move I make is a negotiation with pain just how much pain I'm willing to suffer to do this or that basically. I laid on the sofa for several hours the other day unable to move as I had pinched a nerve in my back when I rescued my Travis from being stuck in the fence and getting cut by ice. I dug him out of the snow and lifted something that was far heavier than I'm permitted but my little dog is like a child to me. Anyway after about nearly a day my son by marriage found me and helped me up. The phone rang several times but it was in the other room and I could also hear my alarm clock going off but I was unable to move in the position I had found myself awaking from. I was just glad I was wearing my jogging suit and not a thigh high nighty when D.J. (my son by marriage) found me that would of even been more embarrassing! I'm still hobbling around but my back isn't hurting nearly as bad. I'm lucky my employer allows me work from home at this time but if I don't get back to the company soon I may have to be replaced. B)

[BlueCrystal 0]

I had to go to my Gynocologist today. I wasn't in the best of mood as I been feeling really down. Daniel made it clear when he went to therapy with me that I need to go and be checked out. My therapist is probably going to rip me a new one tomorrow but I have to go. Daniel gets so mad at me for my lack of interest in this life. I stopped going to church, I won't sing for him, and just yesturday he had to put his own dinner rolls in the toaster oven. I just don't seem to care anymore about anything. I sat this afternoon at the doctors office surrounded but new mother's, very pregnant women with their spouses, teenage girls that should have the word 'NO!' tattooed on their foreheads, and every magazine was entitled Healthy Pregnancy, Easy Birth, or had pictures of adorable little infants. I just wanted to scream and get the hell out of there! I came home to my dogs, cried during my shower and ate junk food for dinner. I'll take one my many pills for depression along with a drop of nightquil for the flu and curl up on the sofa and fall asleep with the television on again.

[Odie 0]

I am truely sorry that you have to go through this problem in your life. It is not fair. My God help you and bless you. Plus when things get ruff just smile. It just keeps them guessing what going's on. Well, that is what my boyfriend tells me.

[Lursa 0]

I know your pain and how you feel. Today i just got the doctor's results of that is going on, and i found out that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). So i know what you are going through i just pray for both of us.

[BlueCrystal 0]

If anyone thinking about getting a satelite system installed might I suggest DISH. I have DIRECT TV and it seems all I do is call them for problems with getting my local channels and now my whole system shuts down and won't re-boot so I can't watch anything at all. I think they actually know me by my voice and now my husaband has been calling and sending e-mails to them about the constant interruption of our service. Worst off I missed last weeks episode of Enterprise and that's what really p*ssed me off!