Bluecrystal's Journey

[BlueCrystal 0]

With me, I seem to journey and tumble through life on many different plains of existence. It's not just going from point 'A' to point 'C' or 'D'. The direct route may not always be the shortest to take. My vision and view point change with each step the person I am and ideas also change from the time I conceive them to the point that when they're developed and shared they may be far from what they started out to be. At times I scare myself upon waking up and remembering dreams, people, families, homes, that are not my own but yet ever so fimiliar when I dream and when I'm there within the dreams. Monsters don't chase me, hands don't reach out from the earth to grab me and pull me down to the realms of a underworld. I'm haunted by normal everyday people, lovely large homes, children, and those dreams that within all seems fimiliar but when I wake I know nothing about who they are, where they are, or who I am to them. That's it for now. Crystal

 

P.S. One the news today Oportunity found that at one time there was water on Mars.

[BlueCrystal 0]

It's been 4 weeks since I was transferred to Dept.91, I can't help but think it's strange that I was transferred to that department. Years ago I worked it but it was very different. It's expanded into other areas where I've discovered that I've had to use all my past experience from the many departments I worked in and surveyed plus one...creativity. I'm allowed and encouraged to experiment and play, I'm given the freedom to wonder about and change things to be what I want them to be. $$ amounts don't seem to matter the owner, himself, visits and nods approvingly at my design. It's scary, I studied computer programing, worked in and dealt with many mathatical concepts with my job in Dept.61. I didn't take courses in what is required of me, I've been told to break all the rules but then I don't know what the rules are.

[BlueCrystal 0]

What a day! What a morning! I should of known it was going to be bad. First I discovered the cat was watching me shower, I'm not shy around most creatures but she was glaring at me. Then as I began to brush my teeth I discovered the batteries in my toothbrush ran out of juice and had to physically brush my teeth. I arrived 4 minutes late for my shift in Dept 91. JW was there unloading the latest of our shipments. I was busy entering the newest the shipment into the Narcy Unit when holder 12 was knocked over. JW and I tried to contain the problem but as we worked it was just too much for us to handle. I called to Dept. 65, (it's what I think of as my *home* department no matter where I'm transferred) requesting help but did not think that they would send one of the 65'ers over to help. I requested that they contact maintainence and that they would assist us. With most 65'ers, once they see other places beyond their confines they find it hard to return to Dept 65. It's common that they request a transfer and often ask if I were orginally a 65'er how did I become transferrable. I usually just smile and tell them if we need someone that they will be at the top of our list. The day ended as it normally did with me being escorted by a Dept 20 person through Dept 71 to Dept 65 to turn in one of my devices, then I solo through Dept 54, and 81, until I arrive at Dept 61. It's interesting that I would have access to the heart of operations and I'm not monitor at all when I return the Narcy Unit but then Dept. 61 was my home too for almost 4 years.

[BlueCrystal 0]

Everyday in Dept 91 is a new adventure. JW seems to depend on my opinions about most things. She insist that I be the one that operates any of the ( )arcy units from Dept 61. I was giving a live sample of subject and I'm suppose to look after it at my home for as long as it lives. I just wonder what spouse's response will be. It currently has a good color, tight blooms, and was cut at almost 36". I took care in placing the subject in a clean vase and located it on pellet stove. I am concerned that Daniel will think that they were a gift from another male and not just a sample I'm testing. I did notice to my displeasure that they are limited on scent.

 

JW brought me some lunch back as I was working a limited shift I tend to skip lunch. I worked on the new shipment that was laid out for me and found few of the pieces interesting. I did request that JW check to make sure that the P. stolonifera, P. divaricata, and P. subulata was ordered in along with the Viola X wittrockiana. Tomorrow we'll work and continue with the placement of the shipment materials. Then Monday I'll plan on taking care of my pet project, the Dracaena sanderana. It's time I checked on Travis Spencer, it's his supper time and mine as well.

[BlueCrystal 0]

Another day another .66 cents after taxes. I'm worn out, had to work today which is not the norm as my husband is rather strict about my working on Sunday. I've come home and am preparing to cook Sunday Dinner. My shoes feel like they weigh 20 pounds each and I would love to take a nap but that won't happen. With Sundays I have to follow a very strict schedule. Morning prayer, scripture reading, scripture sharing, bathing, dressing for church and preparing dinner. I missed some of the important stuff and I'm rushing to get dinner ready by 4:00 p.m. I think I'll make it, the cherry cobbler might still be a bit warm from the oven but I'll serve it with ice cream and hope that Daniel won't notice. Men can be funny creatures at times. Later.

[BlueCrystal 0]

I feel like it's a Sunday. I'm home for a day to rest. It seems days off are fewer and farther between. Needless to say my treatment with the Counselor has taken a back seat. Daniel is worried about that and wants me to make arrangement that we discuss additional treatment and meds. Depression isn't easy to treat at times. I've been happy with my new assignment in Dept. 91 but I'm not suppose to substitute work for living and exploring my own interest. I'm suppose to be out there in the world exploring things that interest me, joining clubs, going to movies, shopping, making friends, and building a personal life. It's hard to work on me the person, I've grew up with visions of who I would be and now knowing what I know I can't be that person.

[BlueCrystal 0]

A day off for me today. I'm not cooking, I have a lot to do. My mother e-mailed me and I can't help think she's such a strange woman. As usual she'll started a discussion about God and her faith and as she repeatedly feels she's failed to reach me on that subject, she'll wait a week or two and then e-mail me and tell me of the weather in Florida. It's a bother to think that I can't have a close relationship with her or talk to her as a daughter would about issues that we as two married women would share but I don't trust her. She's a gossip and would share personal issues with my siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and any stranger standing behind her at her local supermarket. She objected to my marriage outrightly, when I converted to Daniel's faith she gave my things away and told people I died, when my *brother* died she decided to forgive me for my marriage and converting. On my 36th birthday she threw me a birthday party and forgot to invite my husband to it, instead she walked me around the party interducing me to some of the men I should of married. I still get letters from one of them and I had to change the phone number 3 times. No wonder my husband wants nothing to do with my mother. I guess I should answer my e-mail from her but I dread it, after 26 years of talking weather we both should have a degree in it.

[BlueCrystal 0]

Got a e-mail from my father, telling me to answer my mother. I'm not 12 but my parents can certainly make me feel like a little girl at times. I'm just so tired of talking weather with mom. I haven't seen my therapist for awhile and I'm sure she would want me to continue my relationship with my mother but we are so different. Right down to our viewpoints on life. It's difficult to try to relate. It's been a long time since my siblings and I were little children and very freaky when they adopted my *brother*, they said they wouldn't adopt that they were blessed with enough but there he was at the adoption center begging us to take him home with us. Mom didn't really discuss the adoption with Dad, just told him brother was coming to live with us. He lived for 17 years, longer than they thought he would survive and we all loved him so. I still have a old faded picture of him on my frig door that I don't think I'll ever be able to take down unless Mom visits, she still cries when she sees pictures of him or hears his name. Lucky for the family his name wasn't all too common.

[BlueCrystal 0]

I have to say in my work, I didn't pay much attention to some of the people that worked in Dept. 65 but over this past weekend I was told that one of the 65'ers was in a very serious accident and that he may not survive. I must say that I tended to takes my lunch break in the 65'ers lounge as it was quiet and had picture windows to look out of. The 65'er in question, I know as I had him worked in the Department with him upon occassion. It's hard to wait and see if he'll survive, they did a scan on him yesturday to see if he's bleeding into his brain. I sincerely hope he will survive this and come back to us at the guy we all know. It's hard to think in a blink of a eye this young life could be over.

[BlueCrystal 0]

What joy and relief has gone through the family of Dept. 65'ers. The young one that was in that horrible accident has survived and undergone a operation this morning to re-construct his face. The doctors had to take bone from his hip to make a eye socket for him. I don't know if he's been blinded but we're just rejoicing the fact that he's alive!!! Thanks to the powers that be. I've never had children of my own but I hope that no one has to go through this with a child, sibling, or spouse.

[BlueCrystal 0]

Warning.... Warning.... I write here as a personal outlet...Your welcome to read but keep in mind I'm just a little crazy and for the most part completely harmless. Harmless like the face hugger on the Alien movies. Readers beware!!!

 

I've been away, maybe too long. I have to deal with learning about how to be me again and at times it's not easy. At times I feel I've failed at the simplest things. I can add to my botany study program as easily as it takes to press a button but I can't change the glitch in myself. At times I find myself doing all my normal routines at work and home only stopping to realize that at any given moment that the *glitch* within me may be tripped and I'll default to where I was over a year ago. I remember it vividly sitting in the Doctor's office as he explained to my husband that children wasn't physically possible. Glitch/default blocked memories, twice a month visits to a Therapist to work on my feelings, anger at God, and Depression. She knows that the *glitch* in my brain will happen again and I'll loss the little pieces of me again. She won't allow me to sleep more that 6 hours a day, I have to stay busy most of the time. I'm given a list of things I must do and a time period to fulfill them. Staying on a schedule is very important.

 

Mother's Day is hard...I remember not wanting to go to church on Mother's Day. I'll call my Mother and wish her a happy one and then I'll get off the phone quickly hoping that my siblings call her.

 

I hate having Endo. It's hard to take control of Depression and learn to live with a disease when it takes so much of you and worse yet, is when your own body betrays you and allows it to happen. C

[BlueCrystal 0]

Here I am, alone again. My husband has gone to see his mother at church for Mother's Day and God and I don't have the best relationship so I chose to stay home. My husband has asked me to prepare his lunch and then he will go out with his sons to his first wife's grave to visit her. She's been dead a year almost and I can't be too upset about my husband comforting his sons on the first Mother's Day since she had past. I'll call my Mother tonight and again try to explain to her why in the 4 years since she has moved to Florida I can't come see her. My husband will spend as little as possible with me today as he told me that this is a time for he and his sons painfully, of course he reminded me I wasn't capiable to have children mentioning my barren womb. I tryied to throw that thought out of my mind and remember, I'm Travis' Mother. He may be a dog but at ten weeks old I was the only mother he had when my husband brought him home to me and told me he was going to be a prize bird dog. (My baby) he wouldn't know what a bird is or that he's a hunting dog. I raised him to be my hairy little doggie son. I guess the hurt is over as I typed it out on here and now I can finishes burning the chicken strips for my husband's lunch. Men I swear they just know what to say and how to say it to make things hurt so bad and matters worse. I think I'll go for a treat today on my own when he leaves or see a movie should I find one that interest me. I hate just sitting home feeling sad when I don't want to be sad. It's my day off and I'm going to find something fun to do with or without my husband. That silver tongued devil. Crystal

[RikerChick 5]

*hug*

[BlueCrystal 0]

Thanks RikerChick, I needed that.

[BlueCrystal 0]

I had a root canal done on tooth number 15 this morning. They told me to use ice packs to control the swelling and to take pain pills if it hurts. I have very slight tenderness from the shots but no swelling or discomfort. I heard from friends that root canals are hell but I don't think its that bad and hopefully I'll never have to do it again but if I have to I will.

[BlueCrystal 0]

:unsure: I'm up in the middle of the night, I usually sleep like a stone. I dream nothing and am completely oblivious to everything around me. I do have my comfort sounds going as with growing up with several siblings absolute quiet it my parents home wasn't possible. I leave the t.v. on to la me to sleep now. As a child I can remember my third eldest brother making what I thought was *ocean* sounds in the middle the night. He was actually suffering from allergies in the spring time and was just breathing the only way he could in the un-air conditioned little old house in the 70's. It's nice to remember things like that and the times I spent with all my siblings. I'm alone now and I only see some of them at Christmas time and then as siblings do we often don't get along with one another and even times over holidays can be stressful. With my siblings and parents, it's interesting to see how we've grown and changed. Religiously alone is a diversity enough to cause a small *holy war* in the family. My Mother is a Methodist, my Father is Catholic, my eldest brother is also Catholic, my second eldest brother is a Methodist, my third eldest brother is Baptist as is my sister as they both married siblings of the same family. I became a Mormon, talk about getting it from all sides. My kid brother is Methodist too but he's okay. LOL, they all are. I'm the wild wayward one that breaks all the rules. I often wonder if it was my parents intent to see who and how we would turn out to be with little to no religious guidance. We all seemed to find our ways but just are taking different paths.

[BlueCrystal 0]

I wrote about who we were religiously but not what was keeping me awake this evening. I love my job and it's hard as I was told by my employer that I will be schedule to work every third Sunday of a month. I know people that think it's no big deal but it is to me. I haven't worked a Sunday in almost 9 years except for severe emergencies. When, in speaking to my husband, I was told I could do two things as this demand was not acceptable to our way of life and beliefs. I am dealing with the idea of transferring, or resigning. The transfer wouldn't be so bad but the gentleman and I say that loosely is a prick (best and most positive way I could describe him.) As he fired a woman several years ago in a similiar situation. I do have friends in high places in the company and I hate to do a number on this guy and the department but in my faith it's like a triangle with God on the very top of it. Then comes my spouse on one edge and the other is family, his and mine. Below the that triangle comes job. God and family first is the utmost importants.

 

I'll ask for a transfer as soon as I go in today but I'm fearful that I'll meet with a lot of resistance from this man. I swear it think he's evil. It's my imagination as I shouldn't look at others and think they carry bad Karma but I do.

[BlueCrystal 0]

Okay, now here's something to think about. I've been avoiding church and God since I learned having children wasn't possible for me. Well, this Thursday morning I'll be seeing my counselor and I be learning to deal with my anger about being childless and God. I find I blame him and resent him for my being childless and, of course, many of my peers of my own religion have pointed out it's not God's fault but I can't seem to accept this. To me, he's the Creator and can make anything possible so how can it not be his fault if he could change this error within me. I often wonder what I did wrong to deserve this? Why did it happen to me? Why my sister as well but not my female cousins? Was it because Mom married a Catholic and we're not clean issue? Was it because, its genetic and Mom may have passed the gene on to us but my Aunt's female children were spared it? Always the question why and no real answer. In the end I suppose it wouldn't matter, no answer in this day and age will be a cure for us and if there is a cure someday it will be a day far to late for Nancy and me.

[BlueCrystal 0]

Well, life does have it's ups and down but it always manages to go on. Last night Daniel scared me half to death, he had come home. I didn't expect him here unto Tuesday, he said that there was a problem with air pressure on the truck and that the mechanic would have to look at it. Anyway he came home and asked me to bed, poor me, I'm going through the *girl* thing so I stayed up and ended up watching Green Acres. My dear husband is now out going to his employer to see about using another truck to transport the diesel fuel. Diesel fuel haulers in trucker terms are called suicide jockies. My husband says he's basically driving a bomb. I don't worry too must because only the best of the best gets the jobs like he has. The screening process, frequent drug testing, hazmat, and driving records keep the less skilled from doing the high risk detailed jobs of fuel hauling.

 

Now back to me. Last week I went to my counselor and started my normal Therapy session, in the middle of it she got an emergency phone call, her very sick dog had to be put to rest. It was hard to see my counselor cry but it reach me on levels that were beyond any counseling I had received. I sat with her and consoled her over the loss of her own doggie child. I was the listener and the sounding board of her hopes, fears, and tears. I cried with her, I told her to just take some time to herself and work through the loss. I stayed with her and tried hard to be a friend to her. I realize and recognized a lot of things about myself later as I was alone in the house and throughout the week after the session. I've grown emotionally, I've stopped rejection God's love and blessings, I realized I can't run away or look to other things to avoid that which has happened to me. I hit my problems face on and I, somehow, not only survived them but came out stronger, wiser, and able to go on. I'm free of my pain, my fears, and I know now that I can go on and do and be that which God made me.

 

I'm jobless and I'm not scared at all. I'm childless and I'm relieved and at some point thankful. My husband at times still rubs salt in the wounds about that but I ignore his attempts to reach me on that level anymore. It doesn't hurt me now.

[BlueCrystal 0]

Unemployment was very short and sweet! I got my job back sort of... I'm going back to being a 65er. I'll be off Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I'll get overtime just for walking in the door Saturday. No matter where I go or what I do, I'm always invited back to be a 65er although I was assured area 91 hasn't seen the last of me. I'll have my day with that creepy boss. I've seen his type come and go before.

[RikerChick 5]

I've grown emotionally, I've stopped rejection God's love and blessings, I realized I can't run away or look to other things to avoid that which has happened to me.  I hit my problems face on and I, somehow, not only survived them but came out stronger, wiser, and able to go on. I'm free of my pain, my fears, and I know now that I can go on and do and be that which God made me.

 

I'm jobless and I'm not scared at all.  I'm childless and I'm relieved and at some point thankful.  My husband at times still rubs salt in the wounds about that but I ignore his attempts to reach me on that level anymore.  It doesn't hurt me now.

*big hugs* It just made my whole day to read that. I'm so glad to see you feeling better.

[BlueCrystal 0]

Well life can be difficult and heartbreaking. My Mother-in-law told me that my husband's baby cousin has Cancer. She's in her mid-thirties and they want to do a Hysterectomy on her. She has no insurance and is scared, worry about herself and her children, she's currently married and her husband is a house husband so he doesn't work, he stays home and keeps house and watches the children, she's the worker.

 

I told my husband in a written page as he is away on consignment with a tanker of diesel somewhere. I was in away glad he's over the roading it now as this news would of stirred up a old fight between us. A year ago my doctor told me I needed a Hysterectomy because of how bad the Endometriosis was and because I'm in a great deal of pain. I refused it as I personally don't believe in the cutting of the flesh and EEEEEEKKKKK!!! Blood transfusions are a big no no. Religiously my faith says that it alright to do but after I had my first surgery many years ago for Endometriosis and they cut me open like my husband would when field dressing a hunted animal and with that same respect I just can't do that to myself. I decided to allow nature and God to determine my fate not some surgeon that sees dollar signs for my misfortune.

[BlueCrystal 0]

One more empty pill bottle to toss out and still I feel the now dull pain. I'm no longer living with the Endometriosis, it's living a life through me. I sleep a great deal of the time and I have to think about it when the Therapist ask if I'm sleeping so much due the depression or pain drugs. I dread my decission, my weakness as in July I will again see the doctor.

[BlueCrystal 0]

I had a good cry but I know it will be for the best to have the Hysterectomy. It's not that I dread the operation as much as I dread the idea that I'll not be complete. It doesn't matter that the parts could never produce offspring what disturbs me is that I'll be altered and those parts that were apart of me for almost 40 years will be left removed from me and lifeless. I know the disease has caused me such pain and destroyed my hopes and dreams of motherhood but it freaks me out that something else can't be done.

[BlueCrystal 0]

This morning my husband's baby cousin had her operation. I was told by my mother-in-law that the baby cousin was just 31. I wanted to visit her today in the hospital but most likely I would of just sat with her and cried. I know Angel had Cancer and the diseases she and I have are different but the end result is the same according to the surgeon, Hysterectomy.

 

For years it's disturbed me and I even considered suicide to having that operation done but as the days past and I get up in the morning barely able to walk, every movement is a negotiation in pain management. My house suffers too as I'm not able to clean as well as I would like and when I cook it's not always the meals I want to prepare due to the time and movements I have to do in my kitchen. My garden suffers too as I can't weed or plant as I wish to.

 

In many ways my life is just a fraction of an existence and the Endo rules the events of my days and nights. With my pain pills it mocks me and I feel it dulled pain but like a whisper and a slight twinge of pain it reminds me, 'I'm still here.'

[BlueCrystal 0]

It's July 5th, I know it's just the day after Independence Day for most but for my sons by marriage it's the second birthday of their late mother since she had past away. I kind of thought I would grow old with this woman as we shared so much in common, not just my being married to her ex-husband and all of us trying to raise the boys. We were more alike than we dared to admit. Once at church, friends came in from out of town and they assumed I was Miss B. I never let on that I wasn't, I just figured if in their minds I was her so be it. It didn't harm me or anyone else. Daniel thought it was funny that those friends of so many years couldn't tell us apart. I'm sure Miss B. would of got a kick out of it too. I miss her so. She was my friend and I'm sorry that she died . I thought of her like a sister as she was there to help with problems too from time to time and we shared private jokes about Daniel that would of made him want to crawl under a rock. There was so much yet for her to do in this life. Daniel II got married in April and there may be Grandchildren that she'll see pass from spiritworld to this one and I know she'll yearn to touch her Grandbabies and be apart of their lives but only be allowed to watch them in Heaven unable to kiss away a tear or to give a hug when ones needed. Life does go on but today there is a hole and a silence where there should be a song. Miss B. the family loves and missed you.

[BlueCrystal 0]

I've had a headache for the past several days and could bearly sit up through the interview with Eddie Paskey the other night but I really didn't want to miss it.

 

I think my headache is my body's reaction to my being at the point of no return. I decided that I suffered enough with the Endometriosis and it's time to see the doctor and just agree to the surgery. I know genetically in a manner of speaking I'd be killing myself but as my life goes it won't be the end of my bloodline I do have a nephew and a niece, my eldest brother's children.

 

This discussion is dark and painful. I see my life and my future in a more better light. I could go back to school and study what I want, not what my mother wanted for me, I could work on talents that I've had to shelf or ignore. There is much more for me to do with my time. I could see about my work in Dept. 91. that I haven't visited but once since I transferred back to Dept. 65. I could just quit in a few years and start over somewhere else. Daniel want's me happy and yesterday when he was home he knew I was in pain and he was kind and loving as always. He knows my heartache and yet he's there for me promising that his grandchildren will be mine as well. Daniel is so dear to me.

 

Why do I worry Daniel never really cared if we could have children. Daniel loves me for myself, my soul. I guess it's time to stop crying and mourning over the death of children that would never be and start living, laughing, and seeing the great adventure that tomorrow will bring. I'm one of the lucky ones. I woke up and I know GOD loves me too!

[Odo 0]

My Prayers Are With You My Friend.

:lol:

[Ace 0]

Same from me, BC.

[BlueCrystal 0]

Thanks my friends Ace and tokar, your love and caring mean a lot to me at this time.

 

I have returned from the dentist with a treatment he wanted to apply to one of my teeth. I also stopped off at my Gynocoloist to drop off a video tape the Dr. loaned me. I thought it would be like the 'Alien' movie where the thing jumps out of the man's chest it wasn't :P . It was again that push for HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) I keep resisting. My mother said they tried to give her that stuff too and she came through it just fine without the drugs.

 

I asked the nurse if she would check with the insurance company to see if they would permit me treatment with a drug called Lupron, it costly but it may buy me some time.