Lollypop

I started liking the Klingons due to Worf.

Click for Spoiler:

deploying:

Sleep on a cot in the garage.

Replace the garage door with a wool army blanket.

Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip

open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "Sorry,

wrong cot."

Renovate your bathroom. Hang a white plastic sheet down from the

middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level.

Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself.

Leave 2 to 3 sheets of toilet paper on roll, just the roll, or for

best effect, remove it altogether. Turn off the water when your bodily

needs are the most urgent.

When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit on a pile of rocks and

sprinkle dirt on your head.

Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH"

for that tactical generator smell.

Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have

your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different

one.

Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day for the

proper noise level.

Have the paper boy give you a haircut.

Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure

the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house.

Laugh at him when he curses you.

Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in

the other side of your bathtub. When it become too much set it on fire

in the backyard.

Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly or

tuna fish sandwich on a saltine cracker.

Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your

food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an

unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When

it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can.

Shower with all your neighbors standing within a 20 ft radius. Turn

your cold water off and turn the hot water up. Use no more than 1

gallon of water. Brush your teeth with water from a canteen.

Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and then put

them back together again.

Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours

before drinking.

Invite at least 465 people you don't really like because of their

strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months.

Exchange clothes with them.

Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table

and lie under it to read books.

Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back

doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on

the every time you pass through one of them.

Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the

bathroom with you. Also bring your weapon and a flashlight. Walk three

houses down and use your neighbors bathroom.

Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case."

Every time.

Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you

as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say,

"Sorry it's for the other Smith."

Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet,

semi-clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a sack in the corner of

the garage. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing

the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family

gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like.

Enthusiastically repeat the process for another 16 weeks.

Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed,

wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a

vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

Demand each family member be limited to 15 minutes per week for a

morale call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper

ambiance.

Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and

fragmentation. Never ever pull off the road.

While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and

culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before

proceeding. Have strange looking foreign people stare at you while

holding machine guns and rocket propelled grenades.

Fire off 50 Cherry Bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m.

When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, it was just a

rocket attack. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute

for their shattered windows.

Eat three starches shaped like the scoop they were served in, no fresh

fruit, and very little meat.

When people put their hand on your shoulder and say, "Welcome back

from Afghanistan, was it bad over there?" Reply by saying, "Ouch, my

smallpox vaccination hasn't healed!"

Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you

placed outside the front door before they come inside.

Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

When your 8-year old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact

stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page.

Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the

paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your

son the gum.

Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot

it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.

Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order

yourself to repeat this process for another 6 months to simulate the

next deployment you've just been ordered to support.

4 days a week stand in front of industrial strength sand blaster all

day. In summer months amplify sand blaster with acetylene torch or

Titan IV rocket motor.

MSG Frederick L. Punte, USAF

Operation Enduring Freedom

Anti-Terrorist Strike Force

Bagram Air Base, Afghanistan

Click for Spoiler:

1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?

You boil the hell out of it.

2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?

Dam.

3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?

Polaroids.

4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?

A stick.

5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?

Nacho Cheese.

6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?

Subordinate Clauses.

7. WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?

Quatro Sinko.

8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?

Spoiled milk.

9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?

Frostbite.

10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?

A nervous wreck.

11. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?

Anyone can roast beef.

12. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?

Right where you left him.

13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?

Because they have big fingers.

14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?

Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?

Sanka.

16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?

The location of the dirt bag.

17. WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?

Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKY DIVER?

A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?

Unique up on it.

20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?

Tame way, unique up on it.

21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?

Skeet.

22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?

An Amish Drive-By Shooting.

23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?

Either way, somebody's gonna lose a trailer

Alright, already..................... Don't blame me. I didn't write them. Just trying to bring a bit of cheer into focus. Remember.................Laughter Is The Best Medicene.

I voted for the Borg Queen

They never did much with Uhuras character in TOS, which was a shame

It sounds very depressing. Poor man !

B'Elanna, and Scotty. Scotty because as the same reasons the others have given.

Maybe Jean-Luc has been holidaying on Mars?

 

Click for Spoiler:

That is funny

Take care of my family first, then maybe travel. Buy a house in the country, nothing to fancy though. Keep the rest for emergencies, or until I can think of something where I can help poor people.

There are some really nice wallpapers here

http://www.space.com/php/multimedia/downlo...apers/index.php

WELCOME. I'VE BEEN READING SOME OF YOUR POSTS..FUNNY!!! I CAN SEE YOU'RE GOING TO BE A REAL ASSET TO STFANS.NET. KEEP UP THE GREAT POSTING

I will as long as I don't get my hands slapped.

You are too late for these items

On April 26th, 2003, Profiles in History will auction memorabilia from classic science fiction movies and shows, including the helm console from Star Trek's original Enterprise, formerly on display at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, DC.

The helm, usually under the hands of George Takei (Lieutenant Sulu) and Walter Koenig (Ensign Chekov), appeared in every episode of the original series. Mostly silver and black with colorful buttons and navigational designs, the helm was used on occasion by William Shatner (Captain Kirk) and Leonard Nimoy (Mr. Spock) when their characters took over the piloting station.

In addition to this one-of-a-kind memento, the auction will include over 100 pieces of series-related artwork from the private collection of illustrator Rick Sternbach, who designed many of the props for Star Trek: The Next Generation. Bidders will be able to acquire uniforms and weapons from the Star Trek feature films, as well as such unique items as Spock's tunic from the third season of the original series and the 4-foot special effects filming miniature model of TNG's Enterprise-D.

For fans of other science fiction franchises, the original Robot from Lost In Space - autographed by nearly all the original cast members of that series - will be auctioned along with a model of the Jupiter 2 spaceship. Props from Aliens, Batman, the 1933 King Kong, Michael J. Fox's hoveboard from Back to the Future II and the flying saucer from The Day the Earth Stood Still.

The live auction of these authenticated items, which will take place at the Westin Hotel in Los Angeles, will also be covered via Ebay Live Auctions so that bidders outside southern California will be able to participate.

I can't really say for sure since it hasn't happened but I have to think that if an alien ship landed near me the first thing I'd do is start searching for clean underwear...okay, that's second thing I'd do.

Party Time

Nice thought, but I will have to think about this one.

Think positive, things will get better. We have all been down in the dumps at some time.

I'm a lady

I voted Trekkie but Trekker is fine with me too.

Me too

If I can have a dead one, I would chose Elizabeth 1 of England.

I always wanted to join the Roundheads, and Royalists re-enactment when I was in England but never got around to it. It is a big thing over there, it seemed so much fun.

The same reply as I gave for the man.

Hmmmm ! I can think of more dead ones

In came back from travelling SE Asia after a year and was introduced to Scorpion pt 1 as my first fix of ST for years, I was compelled to view and see the transition of 7 becoming human or at least part way there. Its like a child being let free for the first time and having to deal with the things we take for granted. I believe Voyager did this in a very adult fashion and made the most of the combination of her and the Doc learning to what it was like to become human.

Well put T'Pol

WARNING; SEXUAL CONTENT

Click for Spoiler:

(I'm trying to say a bad word but can't)lingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

Bastard (Norway)

Twatt (Orkney, UK)

Muff (Northern Ireland)

Wankie (Zimbabwe)

Climax (Colorado, USA)

Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

Fukum (Yemen)

Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)

Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

Turdo (Romania)

Dongo (Congo, Democratic Republic)

Seymen (Turkey)

Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)

Wanks River (Nicaragua)

Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)

Fuku (Shensi, China)

Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)

Fukui (Honshu, Japan)

Shag Island (Indian Ocean)

Fukue (Honshu, Japan)

Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)

Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)

Chinaman's Knob (Australia)

Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

Tittybong (Australia)

Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

Dik(I'm trying to say a bad word but can't) (India)

Wankener (India)

Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

Beaver Lick, Knob Lick, Red Bush, Gays Creek, Fisty, Dykes, Breeding (Kentucky, USA)

Belchertown (Massachusetts, USA)

Tit-Ary (Siberia)

Bra (Italy)

Assen and Dikanas (Sweden)

Beaver City and Floyd's Knobs (Indiana, USA)

Frazier's Bottom (West Virginia, USA)

Alison's Gap, Bumpass and Ballsville (Virginia, USA)

Knockemstiff and Round Bottom (Ohio, USA)

Colon and Cumnock (North Carolina, USA)

Kickapoo, Red (Please stop me from cursing) and Pink Staff (Illinois, USA)

Butts (Georgia, USA)

Nutbush, Love Lady and Big Lick (Tennessee, USA)

Gay (Oklahoma, USA)

Tightwad (Missouri, USA)

Blue Ball, Hooker and Bald Knob (Arkansas, USA)

Condom (France)

Buttsville (New Jersey, USA)

Spread Eagle (Newfoundland)

Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Puseyville (Pennsylvania, USA)

Blue Ball (Pennsylvania, USA)

Big Beaver (Saskatchewan, Canada)

Athol (Idaho, USA)

Wanker's Corner (Oregon, USA)

Mianus (Connecticut, USA)

Fucu (Mozambique)

Sac City (Iowa, USA)

Tingley (Iowa, USA)

Slut (Vasterbotten, Sweden)

Crappo (Maryland, USA)

Busti (New York, USA)

Gaysport (Ohio, USA)

Jugtown (Pennsylvania, USA)

*buttocks* Rock (Newfoundland, Canada)

Study Butte (Texas, USA)

Humptulips (Washington, USA)

Dorking (Surrey, Great Britain)

Wank (Bavaria)

*buttocks* Hill (Newfoundland, Canada)

Blow Me Down (Newfoundland, Canada)

Old Man's Head (Newfoundland, Canada)

Meat Cove (Nova Scotia, Canada)

(I'm trying to say a bad word but can't)agoo Lake (Quebec, Canada)

Smuts (Saskatchewan, Canada)

Boob Creek (Alaska, USA)

Gayville and Fruitdale (South Dakota, USA)

Tatitlik (Alaska, USA)

Bald Knob (Illinois, USA)

Fertile (Minnesota, USA)

Horneytown (North Carolina, USA)

Meat Camp (North Carolina, USA)

French Lick (Indiana, USA)

Reddick (Florida, USA)

Virginville (Pennsylvania, USA)

Conception Bay (Newfoundland)

Yorky's Knob (Queensland, Australia)

Crested Butte (Colorado, USA)

Big Ugly (West Virginia, USA)

Piddle-in-the-Hole (England)

Blueball (Pennsylvania, USA)

Shag Harbour (Nova Scotia)

Come by Chance (Newfoundland)

(Please stop me from cursing) Knob (Australia)

Toad Suck (Arkansas, USA)

(I'm trying to say a bad word but can't) Creak (Ireland)

Weed (New Mexico, USA)

Dryknob (Missouri, USA)

Myanis (New York, USA)

Smackey Bottom (Kentucky, USA)

Bastard Township (Leeds County, Canada)

F(I'm trying to misspell a badword but can't)ing (Austria)

Belcher (Louisana, USA)

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (North Wales, U.K.)

Breedsville (Michigan, USA)

Cumming (Georgia, USA)

Beaver Crossing (Nebraska, USA)

Boring (Oregon, USA)

Hell (Indiana, USA)

Climax, Coxsackie (New York, USA)

Fort Gay (West Virginia, USA)

Conception Junction (Missouri, USA)

Sexsmith (Alberta, Canada)

Middlesex (New Jersey, USA)

Gays Mills (Wisconsin, USA)

Cummington (Massachusetts, USA)

Upper Dicker, Lower Dicker (East Sussex, U.K.)

Cockermouth (Lake District, U.K.)

Cockeysville (Maryland, USA)

Dykesville (Wisconsin,

Wanksford (UK)

Crackpot (UK)

Giggleswick (UK)

Puddledock (UK)

Fattahead (UK)

North Piddle (UK)

Eric Gottobed (UK)

Prattsbottom (UK)

I have the entire saga recorded but haven't watched a second of it yet, perhaps later this summer, during the dog days.

You will just love it