ARMS

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Posts posted by ARMS

  4. Posted

    How many JEM-HADAR does it take to change a light bulb?

    - 1 but the light bulb has to be soft-WHITE

     

     

    How many PACKLED does it take to change a light bulb?

    - 2. one to say,"Packled can not change light bulbs", and the other to change the light bulb so that the first one can come over and explain way Packled can not change light bulbs.

    - None. They need Geordi. Geordi is smart.

    - Well, first they have to kidnap Geordi to make him tell them which way in the lightbulb is supposed to go........

     

     

    How many TRILLS does it take to change a light bulb?

    - 4. One to change the light bulb, and the other three to complain how they could of lived in a better body if they wanted to.

    - Both of them.

     

    How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb?

    - "Aproximately 1.000000000000000000000000000000"

    - 2. One to say light bulbs are highly illogical, and they others to mix the martinis.

    - Two, but it is an illogical waste of effort to construct a light bulb for such a purpose.

    - One: Any more would be illogical.

     

     

    A KLINGON and a ROMULAN fall off a tall building at the same time.

    Which one hit the ground first?

    - The Romulan. The Klingon had to stop and ask for directions.

     

     

    How many CARDASSIANS does it take to change a light bulb ?

    - We don't need a light bulb, but if we did, we could take it from you !

    - just one; however they first have to determine how many light bulbs they see.

     

     

    How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb ?

    The filthy Cardassians took our light bulb !

     

     

    How many BORG does it take to change a light bulb ?

    - Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.

    - Light bulbs are irrelevant. Darkness is irrelevant, Changing them is futile.

    - They don't change the light bulb, they assimilate it . . .

    - Two, one to screw it in the other to check for resistance which is futile.

    - All of them.

     

     

    How many BETAZIODS does it take to change a light bulb ?

    I sense it has already changed.

     

     

    How many ROMULANS does it take to change a light bulb ?

    - We have been gone for a while, but we have returned to change it.

    - Two, one to do it, and another to kill the first one and take the credit for it!

    - Three: one to change the bulb and two to guard him so the Federation doesn't steal the secret.

    - "We were gone, but we have RETURNED to change it!"

    - 151. One to change the light bulb and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.

    - 2. One to change it and One to kill him and take the credit.

     

    How many Romulans does it take to change a transtator?

    - Two: One to change the transtator and the other to blow up the ship in disgrace

     

     

    How many Federation SHUTTLE PILOTS does it take to change a light bulb ?

    - Ooooops ! I dropped it !

     

     

    How many Q's does it take to change a light bulb ?

    - Here, now, Wouldn't you rather have this Super-Nova ?

    - One. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.

    - Change it into what?

    - "Really, such a trivial task! Here, have a whole bank of flourescent lights instead!" (snaps fingers)

     

     

    How many ODO's does it take to change a light bulb ?

    - I will change IN TO the light bulb.

     

     

    How many HORTAS does it take to change a light bulb ?

    - NO CHANGE I

     

     

    How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb ?

    - 1,561,761 .......uhh,62....,ummm,63......64......

    - One, but all you have to do is feed it.

     

     

    How many HUMANS does it take to change a light bulb?

    - What's a light bulb.

     

     

    How many FERENGI does it take to change a light bulb?

    - Two. One to put the new one in and one to sell the old one as an antique.

    - Two:one to change it and one to sell the old one as new.

    - None: they'll just sell the whole lamp to some young Starfleet Ensign.

    - Just one, but he'll charge you double for it.

    - "Ferengi Never change!"

    - For the right price, as many as you want.

    - None...they steal it and sell it for profit - Two. one to steal a new one, the other to go sell the broken one.

     

     

    How many SHAPE-SHIFTERS does it take to change a light bulb?

    - None. They are the light bulb.

     

     

    How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb?

    - One to change the light bulb and the other to state that "It is a good day to change a light bulb".

    - None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

    - None, they need a Cardassian to figure it out for them.

    - None. Klingons can fight in the dark

     

    What do they do with the old bulb?

    - Execute it for failure.

     

    What do they do to the Klingon who replaces the bulb?

    - Execute him for cowardice.

     

     

    How many Wesley Crushers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    - None. He's that good.

     

     

    How many Holodeck Characters does it take to change a light bulb?

    - They ARE the light bulb. And the coffee table. And the door mat...

     

     

    How many Empath does it take to change a light bulb?

    - Well, the bulb has to really want to be changed.

     

     

    How many Vidians does it take to change a light bulb?

    - They don't change it, they just graft on the parts they need from one that still works.

     

     

    how many Tamarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    - Sylvania, when the lamp failed.

     

     

     

    How long does it take Data and Rayna Kapec to screw in a light bulb?

    -Your guess is as good as mine. (Rayna Kapec is the android built by Flint)

     

     

    How long does it take Data and Deanna to screw in a light bulb?

    - Till she passes out.

     

     

    What do you do with an old light bulb?

    Feed it to a Horta.

     

     

    How many does it take to screw in a light bulb on DS9?

    one-Rom

    two-Odo and Kira

    three-Worf, O'Brien and Dax

    Quark: how many do you want, One strip of latinum each.

     

     

    How many Founders does it take to change a light bulb?

    All of them, but they change it into a human.

     

     

    How many Voyager Probes does it take to change a light bulb?

    - Only one, but it first has to merge with Thomas Edison.

    How many red-shirt Ensigns does it take to change a light bulb ?

    Oh, let's just say one, he won't make it back anyway !

     

     

    How many Worfs does it take to change a light bulb?

    - Two: one to point a phaser at it and the other to change it!

     

    What did Worf say when he learned the light bulb was burned out?

    - "I am not a merry man!"

     

     

    How many TREKKIES does it take to change a light bulb ?

    Okay, so ,y'know, like, in that episode wher Spock gets attacked by those vomit looking things, and, like, he starts doing weird stuff, like, he takes over the ship and it gets Kirk really mad, so they find out that they can use this super-bright light, but it was bogus, 'cause McCoy used the wrong kind of light, and it makes Spock blind ,so, like......what kind of light bulb are you talking about ??

     

     

    How Enterprise officers does it take to change a light bulb?

    - 2. One to shut off main power, and the other one to bring auxiliary light bulb power online.

     

     

    How many Starfleet officers does it take to change a light bulb?

    - Two. One to change the light bulb, and the other to die shortly after they beam down.

    - None, it would be interfering with the natural development of the light bulb

     

    How many Federation scientists does it take to replace a light bulb?

    - Six. One to fill out the environmental impact statement, One to fill out a cost analysis, one to request the light bulb, one to do a labor study, one to do a post installation followup study, and one to follow up on the follow ups. A robot actually replaces the bulb.

     

     

    How many Starfleet Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

    - None. If you run a phased inverse tachyon burst through the main emitter array grid and multiplex it with a subspace standing wave locked back into a diagnostic mode filter, you'll bleed off most of the static warpfield instabilities through the higher verteron harmonics of the decchyon field and get at least another 60 Watts out of the old one.

     

     

    How many crew members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?

     

    Eight. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering section is burnt out, after which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty after checking around notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend the engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu and 3 red shirted security officers beam down. The 3 red shirt guys are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk and the rest. The new bulb is inserted and the Enterprise continues its five year mission.

  5. Posted

    Q. Why did Worf change his hair color?

    A. It was a good day to dye.

     

    Q. What did Spock find in Kirk's toliet?

    Click for Spoiler:

    A. The Captian's Log.

     

     

    Q. What does the Enterprise and Toliet paper have in common?

    Click for Spoiler:

    A. They both circle Uranus wiping out Klingons.

     

     

    Q. Have you heard the new Klingon army motto?

    A. Join the Klingon army. Visit exotic planets, meet interesting people, and kill them!

     

    Tribbles are sweet...

    ...but they can be bitter if you overcook them.

     

    He's dead Jim...

    ...I'll get his tricorder, you get his wallet.

     

    She's dead Riker...

    ...but you still need a condum.

     

    Visit Odo's gym...

    ...get into shape. ANY shape!

     

    We are Microsoft!

    ...You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile! Presidental Campaign Solgans--If people from Star Trek ran for president, what would their campaign slogans be like?

     

    Vote Dax/Odo

    The team that adapts.

     

    Vote for Troi.

    "I feel your pain!"

     

    Lursa/B'tor

    Who needs an election?

     

    Vote Chakotay

    A REAL American!

     

    Vote for Spock.

    "Yes I did do spores back in the 60's but I did not inhale!"

     

    Picard

    Make it so.

     

    Vote Gowron

    or else!

     

    Vote for Locutus.

    Resitance is futile

     

    Did you hear that the Star Trek Doctors from The Next Generation, The Original Series and Deep Space Nine are setting up their own medical practice? They're going to call it "Crusher, Bones and Bashir."

     

     

    I am Porky of Borg. You will be as-s-sim, as-s-sim, oh forget it.

    I am Elmer Fudd of Borg. Pwepawe to be aswimiwated.

  6. Posted

    1. If you've ever been in a fist fight over who is better Captain Picard or Captain Kirk...

     

    2. If you think that Captain Janeway is sexier than Princess Leia...

     

    3. If your fantasy includes Lt. Uhura sitting on the edge of your bed saying "Hailing frequencies open"...

     

    4. If your screen saver says "Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated"...

     

    5. If you find yourself in a jam and say "Scotty, beam me up!"...

     

    6. If you believe that Ross Perot owns a copy of the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition...

     

    7. If you believe Ross Perot is a Ferengi...

     

    8. If someone says good morning to you and you answer "Ka Plah!"...

     

    9. If you know the proper Vulcan greeting and response...

     

    10. If you can tell the difference between a Vulcan and a Romulan...

     

    11. If you can name all the people who have ever been captain of the Enterprise...

     

    12. If you think Q-Tips is a self-help book written by a certain Star Trek villain...

     

    13. If you have the Klingon version of Hooked on Phonics...

     

    14. If you find a hairball and think it's a Tribble...

     

    15. If you believe there is an alternate universe where you are captain of the Enterprise...

     

    16. If you learned to pick up women by watching Captain Kirk...

     

    17. If you keep flipping open your cell phone hoping to get a communique from Scotty...

     

    18. If you here someone say "he's an enterprising young man," and you look for his communicator...

     

    19. If you get in your car and say engage...

     

    20. If you believe George Lucas is the Anti-Christ...

     

    21. If your girlfriend tells you "it's either me or Star Trek!" and you wave good-bye...

     

    22. If you think Hillary Clinton would look good in Lt. Uhura's uniform...

     

    23. If you wrote in James T. Kirk for President with running mate Pavel Chekov...

     

    24. If you walk into your kitchen and look for a replicator...

     

    25. If you think Kahless will come back before Jesus Christ...

  7. Posted

    10. Britain has actually won a medal at the Winter Olympics (or any Olympics for that matter!)

     

    9. The Cancer Man has given up smoking.

     

    8. "Space Precinct" is a far better show than "Babylon 5".

     

    7. The band Oasis doesn't trash hotel rooms; they're tidy and well behaved.

     

    6. Counsellor Troi can actually sense something.

     

    5. Brent Spiner's album 'Ol Yellow Eyes is Back' stays at number one of the Billboard Album charts for ten months.

     

    4. Gates McFadden gets more than ten minutes of screen time in a Star Trek film.

     

    3. Data and the country singer, who was in 'The Neutral Zone', go on a five month tour of the Dominion.

     

    2. The Starship Voyager doesn't lose a shuttlecraft every episode.

     

    And The Number One Sign You're In A Parallel Universe...

     

    1. The new captain of the Starship Universe wears a very long scarf, keeps inanely grinning, whilst offering you a jellybaby from a very large paper bag.

  8. Posted

    10. Every cadet gets a free 'goddess of empathy' doll.

     

    9. We got presidents just as indeciseive as Clinton!

     

    8. We can kick Star Wars' *buttocks*!7. DS9: Home of the glop on a stick. The Glopper!

     

    6. Voyager's not lost it just took a wrong turn at Uranus!

     

    5. Not every Enterprise is doomed!

     

    4. Not every Galaxy Class ship has been blown up!3. We don't got EWOKS!

     

    2. We can kick those ID4's aliens *buttocks*!

     

    1. You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!

  9. Posted

    10) The Prime Directive.

     

    9) They spend all of their time designing uniforms.

     

    8) These new troublesome aliens keep popping up.

     

    7) No Indian or Chineese engineers on board.

     

    6) Still haven't designed a decent shuttle craft.

     

    5) People like Jean-Luc insist on playing by the rules.

     

    4) Worf never gets to win a fight.

     

    3) They have thousands of people on board their starships, but only the bridge crew knows how to do anything.

     

    2) Picard had to go and tick off the Q.

     

    1) The Klingons have ALWAYS had better looking ships.

  10. Posted

    #10 - The crew are big fans of the HMS Bounty.

     

    #9 - Prime Directive? We don't need no stinking Prime Directive!

     

    #8 - It will be revealed that the new captain is one of Mudd's Women.

     

    #7 - The original script named the captain Ginger, and the first mate Gilligan.

     

    #6 - Delta Quadrant, there goes the neighborhood.

     

    #5 - It's just another claim on the Starfleet Shipyards.

     

    #4 - The new first officer (Native American and former terrorist) just found out the captain is a descendant of Custer.

     

    #3 - The holographic doctor is a leftover from the Clinton healthcare plan.

     

    #2 - They might get home. Remember what happened the last time a craft named Voyager came home (it spawned a terrible movie).

     

    And the #1 reason to be concerned about the USS Voyager -

     

    The defense systems are controlled by a Pentium processor.

  11. Posted

    Geeze, that doesn't make sense. If there were more males, they'd have to have been female before they were male, which means what, exactly?  That just doesn't make sense. Sure wish nik was around. :lol:

    If more males are being born, then when the old generation dies of old age, the new generation would have less females to have young, therefore the population would fall to zero eventually.

  16. Posted

    10) Command 302: Wining in No-Win Situations

     

    9) Communications 101: Opening Hailing Frequencies

     

    8) Space Law 206: Avoiding Court-Martial

     

    7) Navigation 101: Standard Orbits

     

    6) Philosophy 203: Why All Major Systems Fail at the Same Time

     

    5) Command 255: Choosing Minor Landing Party Members Who Will Die

     

    4) Astrophysics 199: Recognizing Unknown Phenomenon

     

    3) Command 309: Creative Obedience to Starfleet Orders

     

    2) Engineering 422: Making Radical Technological Advances Under Time Pressure

     

    1) Space Law 499: The Prime Directive and How to get around it

  17. Posted

    10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly"

     

    9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation

     

    8) Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner

     

    7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System

     

    6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator

     

    5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section

     

    4) Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs

     

    3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign

     

    2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T"

     

    1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise

  18. Posted

    10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain

     

    9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being

     

    8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate

     

    7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer

     

    6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him

     

    5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices

     

    4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults

     

    3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth

     

    2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "K'ick Me!"

     

    1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields are collapsing"