Marriage Advice

[Kor37 9]

vRed Skelton's tips on marriage----Remember him? He was GREAT!

 

 

 

Comedians today don't seem to know what good clean jokes are.

 

 

 

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,

good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays,

 

I go on Fridays.

 

 

 

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in

Texas.

 

 

 

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

 

 

 

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary?

 

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

 

So I suggested the kitchen.

 

 

 

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 

 

 

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.

 

She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I

bought her an electric chair.

 

 

 

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in

the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

 

 

 

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

 

 

 

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"

 

The driver said "No, jump in!"

 

 

 

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

 

 

 

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

 

 

 

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt

her.

 

 

 

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"

 

"I said "Dust!"

 

 

 

Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the old

days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word ......just

clean and simple fun!

 

[Gary Phaserman 0]

Those are great! If I said half of those, I'd get smacked, but it would be worth it.

 

*Love ya, krissy!*

[Theunicornhunter 2]

I agree he truly had a gift for humor - I watched a monologue of his a few years back. I don't know that this is his best example - they may not have four letter words but they are all pretty anti woman

[ARMS 0]

Heard better marriage jokes tbh..

[BakulaBabe 2]

I remember Red Skelton very well, and always enjoyed his jokes - except for a few that seemed (as TUH said) anti-woman, although they were clever. It does go to show that it's not neccesary to use obscenities and profanities to be funny.

 

Actually, some of these jokes could be used by women about their husbands!

[MrPsychic 1]

Red Skelton was always a good man. His humour still stands to this day. Another bit of irony is that he said on his show that one day they would challenge the Pledge of Allegience cause it had the words "Under God"

[Validus 0]

I must point out that not all of those jokes are Red Skelton's. I'd guess that at least half of them are in fact Henny Youngman's lines. He even used a few of them in the film Goodfellas.

[Kor37 9]

How do you know that Henny Youngman didn't steal them from Red Skelton? Youngman always joked about stealing other comic's stuff.