Why to Marry

[Theunicornhunter 2]

First, this is a genuine question. I am interested in your thoughts. This is something I've had on my mind for a while. I've never been married and that bothered me a lot when I was younger but I have more or less gotten used to it. Let's face it there are some definite advantages to being "Lord of Your Own Manor". However, financially it would be better to have two incomes. And there is companionship - even if you don't have great passion for one another.

 

I have grown way to cynical to believe in falling in love but I know people marry for other reasons all the time. So my question is do you think people could marry for convenience and live reasonably happy lives? (This assumes you can find someone looking for convenience as well - which based on past experience is possible)

 

No offense meant to our younger members but I am looking for opinions from those that have been there rather than theories on how it should be - I had lots of those too when I was young. I would also be interested in thoughts of others who have never married and whether they've ever thought about marrying for convenience.

[Gotabite 0]

This is a very interesting question. I must say I do believe it is possible. I really think there should be some pre-nuptual agreements done ahead of this kind of marriage, in case things don't work out. I also think a problem could develop around intimacy issues when love is not involved.........sex where love does not exist can be a problem for some. In addition where there is a sort of arranged marriage, or a marriage based on certain agreements, the parties may not feel that they need to treat this marriage as sacred as a marriage based on love.........raising the possiblity for all kinds of infidellity...........just some thoughts to consider. :P

[Lessa_Soong 0]

I have been married three times, so i think i can offer something here.

 

I could see a marriage where you did it for the finances, but what you expected from each other beyond that support would have to be clearly defined so that one did not go in hoping for "favors" while the other had no intetion of giving that. It would seem to me that there would still need to be things taht you had in common or the time alone with each other could still lead to fights just like a conventional marriage.

Still, if it was me i would hold out for love, or find a room/house mate.

[Indy 8]

IMHO, what you're describing is not a marriage ~ it's a business arrangement.

[Captain Jean-Luc Picard 1]

I have to agree with Indy here. The only way a marriage can survive if it is based on unconditional love, both parties are willing to make all sacrifices for their spouse, no matter the cost, and both parties are willing to stay together through thick and thin, sickness and health.

[Mike 5]

I've been married twice and divorced twice..So here on my thoughts..

 

You pose an interesting question..A marriage of convenience. I do know how hard it is on 1 income..And it is lonely at times..But I too don't think it would be a marriage without Love and intimacy...They are very important elements aren't they? It does sound more like a business arrangement...But let's see how could it work..No Love equals separate bedrooms to me...Might as well work opposite shifts also..Then it may have a chance of working..OR..Can 2 people of the opposite sex be married and not be intimate?..Just be friends?..I don't think so IMO..The more I think about it the more I view it as a business arrangement not a marriage..

[Theunicornhunter 2]

I don't mean this as disrespectful to anyone but the fact that so many marriages end in divorce indicates that love isn't really enough. Maybe people that don't expect to be happy are less disappointed than those who think marriage will be romantic and wonderful. Until fairly recent times and still in some places marriages were arranged and many people entered into marriage as a matter of necessity..and divorce rates were lower. Imagine a hundred years ago a woman almost had to get married. She couldn't get an education, there were few professions available to women and the social stigma of being single was tremendous. I marvel at times that the human race survived this far.

[Captain Jean-Luc Picard 1]

I don't mean this as disrespectful to anyone but the fact that so many marriages end in divorce indicates that love isn't really enough.  Maybe people that don't expect to be happy are less disappointed than those who think marriage will be romantic and wonderful.  Until fairly recent times and still in some places marriages were arranged and many people entered into marriage as a matter of necessity..and divorce rates were lower.  Imagine a hundred years ago a woman almost had to get married.  She couldn't get an education, there were few professions available to women and the social stigma of being single was tremendous.  I marvel at times that the human race survived this far.

The reason why devorce rates are so high are becuase people get married for the wrong reasons.

[Theunicornhunter 2]

I don't mean this as disrespectful to anyone but the fact that so many marriages end in divorce indicates that love isn't really enough.  Maybe people that don't expect to be happy are less disappointed than those who think marriage will be romantic and wonderful.  Until fairly recent times and still in some places marriages were arranged and many people entered into marriage as a matter of necessity..and divorce rates were lower.  Imagine a hundred years ago a woman almost had to get married.  She couldn't get an education, there were few professions available to women and the social stigma of being single was tremendous.  I marvel at times that the human race survived this far.

The reason why devorce rates are so high are becuase people get married for the wrong reasons.

CJLP, I am beginning to believe you don't read posts before you respond to them.

When I started this post I specifically asked for opinions from people with experience. I had theories too when I was your age. I wanted this to be a practical discussion not a theoretical one.

 

Since you've gotten us off topic do tell:

If thinking you are in love is the wrong reason for marriage - just what is your theory as to what is the right reason.

[Mike 5]

I don't mean this as disrespectful to anyone but the fact that so many marriages end in divorce indicates that love isn't really enough.  Maybe people that don't expect to be happy are less disappointed than those who think marriage will be romantic and wonderful.  Until fairly recent times and still in some places marriages were arranged and many people entered into marriage as a matter of necessity..and divorce rates were lower.  Imagine a hundred years ago a woman almost had to get married.  She couldn't get an education, there were few professions available to women and the social stigma of being single was tremendous.  I marvel at times that the human race survived this far.

Are you suggesting that we regress in time? That people should stay married and unhappy? That perhaps is the reason both my marriages failed. I guess I couldn't see staying in a relationship that wasn't good for either of us. Believe me we tried to make it work but in the end the Love was gone and we split. I understood the original topic was to discuss weather a marriage of convenience was possible..And without love I just don't think it is possible in my opinion..

[Indy 8]

I think one reason why divorce rates are so high is because it's more widely accepted. There is no stigma attached to it like there used to be. Also, it is so easy now, people go into marriage thinking that if it doesn't work they'll just divorce, so there is no motivation to push through and work out problems.

[Captain Jean-Luc Picard 1]

I don't mean this as disrespectful to anyone but the fact that so many marriages end in divorce indicates that love isn't really enough.  Maybe people that don't expect to be happy are less disappointed than those who think marriage will be romantic and wonderful.  Until fairly recent times and still in some places marriages were arranged and many people entered into marriage as a matter of necessity..and divorce rates were lower.  Imagine a hundred years ago a woman almost had to get married.  She couldn't get an education, there were few professions available to women and the social stigma of being single was tremendous.  I marvel at times that the human race survived this far.

The reason why devorce rates are so high are becuase people get married for the wrong reasons.

CJLP, I am beginning to believe you don't read posts before you respond to them.

When I started this post I specifically asked for opinions from people with experience. I had theories too when I was your age. I wanted this to be a practical discussion not a theoretical one.

 

Since you've gotten us off topic do tell:

If thinking you are in love is the wrong reason for marriage - just what is your theory as to what is the right reason.

TUH, I do read posts before I respond to them. While you did ask for those with opinions based on experrience, I am still free to post my opinion. I'm sorry this botherred you, but it's still my freedom to post. I don't have "theories". I do know what makes a marriage work and what doesn't. My post was practical, not theoretical.

 

Since you've gotten us off topic do tell:

If thinking you are in love is the wrong reason for marriage - just what is your theory as to what is the right reason.

We haven't gotten off topic at all, your post belittling mine was the only one I read that seemed off topic. I also never said marriage based on love is the wrong reason. It is a simple fact that marriages that do not have a foundation based on love and complete 100% commitment and devotion simply do not last.

 

If one is in love and wants to get married, they need to be able to do the following in order to have a healthy and life-long marriage:

• One must be willing to compromise with their spouse on any issue.
  
• One must give their spouse the utmost respect.
  
• One must be willing to make any and all sacrifices for their spouse if neccessary. Example: If your spouse is willing to give up their job so you can move to a new place for your new exciting job that you worked 10 years for... then you must also be willing to sacrifice that in order to live where she wants. In a healthy marriage, both would be willing to live where the other wants. Obviously, living near the great job for finacial security is the way to go, but then, family may be more important to your spouse than finacial security, so as I said, before enterring marriage, you half to be willing to make such great sacrifices.
  
• Don't ever try to control your spouse or tell them what they can/cannot do. The day you start doing that is the day your marriage becomes compromised.
  

I could go on and on, but I feel that is enough.

 

If you don't have a marriage based on love, complete commitment, and willingness to sacrifice, then I see no way for the marriage to survive. This isn't a theory. This is a determination based on known failed marriages.

[Theunicornhunter 2]

CJLP, Until you've been married you have only theory. Hence I did not read beyond the first paragraph of your last post.

 

spacetigger Posted on Aug 2 2003, 11:46 AM

Are you suggesting that we regress in time? That people should stay married and unhappy?

 

I am not suggesting anything - only asking the perspective of people with experience. If love doesn't work and companionship doesn't work - then what does.

 

Indy Posted on Aug 2 2003, 12:26 PM

Life is not always a bed of roses. Suppose you entered into a marriage for companionship and economic gain and a few years later your partner suffered a catastrophic illness or injury.

That would be my number one reason for avoiding this type of arrangement.

 

I've observed a lot of marriages over the years most were not happy. I don't know what it is that keeps some people together. I've also heard some divorced people say that if they'd known how bad it was to be single again they would have stayed in the relationship.

 

Ironically I just read that Abraham Lincoln's marriage to Mary Todd was likely to gain the political influence of her family connections. Well, we know how happy that marriage was - and that is sad because he seemed like such a good man to hav never been happy.

[Captain Jean-Luc Picard 1]

CJLP, Until you've been married you have only theory. Hence I did not read beyond the first paragraph of your last post.

You accuse me of not reading your posts in a spiteful manner, then turn arround and avoid my post. One does not need to be married in order to understand what makes and breaks a marriage.

[Data 0]

hmmm, you want to get some insite from people with experience. Ok, I have been married for more than 20 years. I took my time before I decided to marry. That is important. Many people get married before they are ready. I did not want to make the same mistake. When I found my wife, we took our time. We also lived together for a while before we got married.

 

I feel it is an important decision. You better know the person pretty well. Love is something that should get stronger the longer you live with somebody. Of course there will be problems but they should get resolved quickly. I am not going to make judgements of people because they cannot make a relationship work. I am just saying that people just do not undestand the responsibility before they make the decision to marry. It is sad that so many marriages do not last.

 

That is all I have to say. If you are not ready to share do not get married.

[Captain Jean-Luc Picard 1]

hmmm, you want to get some insite from people with experience. Ok, I have been married for more than 20 years. I took my time before I decided to marry. That is important. Many people get married before they are ready. I did not want to make the same mistake. When I found my wife, we took our time. We also lived together for a while before we got married.

 

I feel it is an important decision. You better know the person pretty well. Love is something that should get stronger the longer you live with somebody. Of course there will be problems but they should get resolved quickly. I am not going to make judgements of people because they cannot make a relationship work. I am just saying that people just do not undestand the responsibility before they make the decision to marry. It is sad that so many marriages do not last.

 

That is all I have to say. If you are not ready to share do not get married.

I completely agree.

[Mike 5]

spacetigger Posted on Aug 2 2003, 11:46 AM

Are you suggesting that we regress in time? That people should stay married and unhappy?

 

I am not suggesting anything - only asking the perspective of people with experience. If love doesn't work and companionship doesn't work - then what does.

 

[

I have no idea what makes a marriage work. As you can imagine I'm pretty cynical about marriage. I haven't had good experiences with it. Sure I know in theory what a good marriage should be..Good communication, sharing, willing to compromise, mutual respect, companionship..However, things look a little different when it is you personally inside a bad marriage...

[Theunicornhunter 2]

However, things look a little different when it is you personally inside a bad marriage...

I know how that feels from a child's perspective. All these people are saying now - stay together for the child. As one of those former children my advice is "run like h*ll"

[Data 0]

I know how that feels from a child's perspective.  All these people are saying now - stay together for the child.  As one of those former children my advice is "run like h*ll"

Yes, there is one thing worse than being in a bad marriage, and that is being a child of a bad marriage. How can a child understand why their parents are fighting all the time?

[A l t e r E g o 9]

So my question is do you think people could marry for convenience and live reasonably happy lives? (This assumes you can find someone looking for convenience as well - which based on past experience is possible)

 

 

My wife (of almost 20 years) and I have had a little discussion based solely on that question, here are our collective thoughts.

 

There once was a time when marriages of convenience were practically the everyday norm. We don't have exact percentages of success rate for these arrangements but we both agree we have heard plenty of stories of this arrangement leading to successful (in appearance at least) unions but that was in the past.

 

In modern times, we feel that unless the would be couple had a strong sense, going into the arrangement, of being able to resist the pressure their peers (society in general) will most likely be putting on them then they have NO HOPE of surviving.

 

If they can build a wall between themselves and the rest of the World and remain focused on each other and a commitment to not let anything get wedged between them, that could tear them apart, then we say it could work out for them.

 

However, if they were able maintain their defense against stigmas society would most likely impose on them for having the arrangement then we agree they would have the perfect relations to warrant being married in the first place.

[Captain Jean-Luc Picard 1]

I know how that feels from a child's perspective.  All these people are saying now - stay together for the child.  As one of those former children my advice is "run like h*ll"

Yes, there is one thing worse than being in a bad marriage, and that is being a child of a bad marriage. How can a child understand why their parents are fighting all the time?

My parents fought while I grew up and seperated 2 years ago. I turned out just fine. Being the child of a bad marriage isn't as bad as it sounds.

[A l t e r E g o 9]

I know how that feels from a child's perspective.  All these people are saying now - stay together for the child.  As one of those former children my advice is "run like h*ll"

Yes, there is one thing worse than being in a bad marriage, and that is being a child of a bad marriage. How can a child understand why their parents are fighting all the time?

My parents fought while I grew up and seperated 2 years ago. I turned out just fine. Being the child of a bad marriage isn't as bad as it sounds.

Maybe not to you but it was to me. My parents separated when I was 2 years and my entire childhood was dominated with thoughts of how wrong that was, I missed out on most of childhood from being preoccupied with finding a way to cause them to be reconciled and put the family together again, it was all a Hugh waste of my time.

[Theunicornhunter 2]

Maybe not to you but it was to me. My parents separated when I was 2 years and my entire childhood was dominated with thoughts of how wrong that was, I missed out on most of childhood from being preoccupied with finding a way to cause them to be reconciled and put the family together again, it was all a Hugh waste of my time.

I am sorry to hear that. I suppose for small children it doesn't make sense either way. They dont' understand divorce - they don't understand fighting. My father made our life living h*ll so leaving him was the best thing my mom ever did for us. But I think that situation may have been more extreme than some.

[Yillara Skye 1]

I suppose for small children it doesn't make sense either way.  They dont' understand divorce - they don't understand fighting.

Believe me it doesn't. Many of my students come from separated parents. They really have hard times understanding stuff like that at times. I feel so bad for them, and I help them when I can to allow them to talk out their concerns. It really is heartbreaking with these kids, and worst of all it affects their performance in school and outside activities.

I may not be married, or have kids...but I see it all the time as a teacher, and even as a student.

[cptwright 1]

TUH, I do read posts before I respond to them.  While you did ask for those with opinions based on experrience, I am still free to post my opinion.  I'm sorry this botherred you, but it's still my freedom to post.  I don't have "theories".  I do know what makes a marriage work and what doesn't.  My post was practical, not theoretical.

first, i just have to say this, you have NO IDEA WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE WORK. you couldnt possibly. there is no ifs, ands or buts about that. second, there is nothing, I MEAN NOTHING, convenient about marriage, that in my opinion is why there is such a high divorce rate, WAYYYYY TTOOOOO MANY PEOPLE MARRY FOR CONVENIENCE, then when its not so convenient they get a divorce. marriage is A LOT OF HARD WORK ON BOTH SIDES. give and take, and compromise. if you want convenience live together, and pool your money, you get a better tax refund that way anyway. me and lisa used to get better tax returns befroe we were married, after we were married their about half of what they used to be. i know ive been having problems with my marriage, and ive been with her forever, and seen waayyy too many people get married, and divorced. my fathers on his 5th or 6th wife right now. thats ridiculus. marriage is for 2 people that love eachother, and go into it with full knowledge of the fact that its not easy, that theres a lot of hard work at it, and that its forever gonna be a bumpy road. convenience will never be a part of it. i know im in a place right now that i dont know whats gonna happen with my marriage, but i know a true marriage of MUTUAL RESPECT, AND COMPROMISE, AND GIVING can, and does work. its just unfortunate that most people dont look at it like that anymore. its just easier to move on to the next than to make this one work. where as i know you cant always make it work, and must cut your losses, people give up way too easy anymore. marriage is a PROMISE BETWEEN 2 PEOPLE, GIVEN BEFORE GOD, AND FAMILY, AND FRIENDS. NO PROMISE SHOULD EVER BE TAKEN LIGHTLY. nor should anyone never experienced in this matter try to give any advice, or think he knows how to make a marriage work. CJLP the fact you think you know what to do kinda erks me, when you have no clue as to even a simple long term relationship. AFTER YOU'VE BEEN WITH SOMEONE FOR SO LONG, AND MARRIED FOR SO LONG, THEN COME TALK TO US ABOUT IT. im not trying to antagonise you, but think before you speak on subjects like this. the fact is that sooo many of our friends, and family have looked to our relationship to see how things should be to make it work, and look at us now, i dont even know whats going to happen with us, so how could you, a youngster whose never been married or in a loong term relationship, have any clue? thats right you cant, you may think you can but you couldnt possibly. welll sorry for the ramble on the subject but its been on my mind a WHOLE LOT LATELY. i hope i havent upset anyone, but thats my opinion.