Relationship Advice

[deagletime 1]

I know this is in no way related to star trek at all, but i was wondering for some honest input.. and when i thought of the forums that Im apart of this is the one place I can count on good people to answer thoughtfully without flaming on each other and/or me.

 

Here goes.. So I was with this wonderful woman for 4 years. We started dating at the end of college.. I did great, spontaneous things for this woman, as I was chasing her for years.. When I finally "caught" her, I felt I was the luckiest man alive. And let me tell you there was a long list of men that were chasing her as well.. As I was her first real boyfriend, I was her first at everything.. Life was grand.

 

2 years into our relationship, we graduated college and we moved back to where we grew up.. She lives in North Los Angeles while I live in Orange County. Bout an hour by car. At first, we tried to see each other as much as we could. She undoubtably made most of the effort, coming to see me as much as possible.

 

3 years in, I started partying alot with my college friends but would still count on her to come and see me couple times a week. I became complacent with her coming to see me as I knew she would always be there for me...

 

4 years now... After a trip to costa rica with one of her friends, she comes back and decides that she doesnt feel the same way about me and that its not my fault. Literally she says that somethings mising and that she cant love me 100% and that shes not sure she ever did.. I realize in retrospect that its my fault for becoming lazy and that I should have treated her with the respect and admiration that she deserved which she got from me in the beginning..

 

so here I am now, one month into the breakup and Ive come to terms with where Im at... I told her, although she disagrees, that I shouldnt talk to her until im over her and that I shouldnt try to talk to her as a friend until I can get these silly thoughts of getting back together with her out of my mind...

 

so what Im saying is this.. is it wrong for me to try and put some distance between us? from what she tells me she says theres no chance well get back together but... Is she just saying that? Is there a chance? my mind goes a mile a minute and I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could undo mistakes Ive made.. its funny, bout a week before we broke up I hade this epiphany that she was the best thing that ever happened to me and that I should marry this woman...thne the proverbial poop hits the fan . then to make matters worse she drunken dials me a month after out break up, tonight, and calls to see "how Im doing?"

 

 

I suppose Im just venting but your input would be appreciated

Edited July 28, 2005 by deagletime

[Kor37 9]

A) This was bound to happen. Long-distance relationships never,NEVER work out. You sped this along by never driving to where she lives. She always had to come and see you.

 

B)You should put a LOT of distance between yourselves. Make a clean break. This "we can still be friends" crap never works out. You may think it will now, but every time she talks about a date or you hear about a new person in her life,you will just drive yourself crazy.

[Ace 0]

No one here is truly qualified to answer you on this since only you and she know the situation exactly, but I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic in some cases *shrug*. Long distance relationships do sometimes work, but not for extended periods of time.

Either she meant what she said or she felt neglected. If you told her what you just told us here, about your true feelings and that you realize the mitakes you've made with her, I wonder if the door could be re-opened.

If it were me I'd either tell her how I feel and leave it in her court or just walk away. I have no idea what's best for you, though. Only you can make that determination.

Good luck either way.

[Theunicornhunter 2]

Well part of your question is easy - yes, if it's over - you need distance before you can be friends.

 

 

Does she really mean it is over? I guess only she knows that

 

One suggestion

I think someone else said be honest. Tell her how you feel and that you can't emotionally handle any contact until you've had time to get over her - ask her to respect that and not call unless she's saying she wants to reconsider. Then take up about five hobbies to keep your mind off wondering if she will call or not.

 

Do get on with your life - whether she calls or not.

[Krissy Phaserman 0]

A)  This was bound to happen. Long-distance relationships never,NEVER work out. You sped this along by never driving to where she lives. She always had to come and see you.

 

B)You should put a LOT of distance between yourselves. Make a clean break. This "we can still be friends" crap never works out. You may think it will now, but every time she talks about a date or you hear about a new person in her life,you will just drive yourself crazy.

344136[/snapback]

 

I would like to say that I have seen proof that "Never" is the wrong choice of words for both. Alot of you who I know from the Trek Lounge and other places know about my dad. He lives about a mile away, and I work for him at his law firm. What I don't tell people, though, is that my mother lives in Virginia, working for Lockhead-Martin down there, doing some contractor work. They are still married, and while things probably could be better, they are making it work. also, I am friends with alot of my ex boyfriends, good friends in many cases. One of whom is the godfather of my daughter.

 

Deagle, put some distance between you two for now, but don't neccissarily try and push her away. I can't say what is going on in her mind, but she may at some point in the future want to get close to you again. if, deep down, she really does care about you, all you have to do is give her time, and things will work out on their own. But, you're single now, and don't feel as though you have to save yourself for her. Who knows, you might find someone new that could work out better....

[MongoBongo 0]

so what Im saying is this.. is it wrong for me to try and put some distance between us?

 

In this case, being wrong or right is only in the eyes of the people involved. There is neither right nor wrong.

 

If you believe that putting a distance between yourselves would help the situation, go for it.

 

from what she tells me she says theres no chance well get back together but... Is she just saying that?  Is there a chance?

 

From your point of view, there's a chance; however, from her point of view, it's almost impossible to tell.

 

There's the possibility that she feels like not being tied to one person at this time, and wants to sew her "wild oats." What's interesting to note here that usually the roles are reversed. It's usually the guy who doesn't want to be tied down, and the gal does. In a situation like that, let her go. When she needs help, she'll know where to go.

 

  my mind goes a mile a minute  and I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could undo mistakes Ive made..

 

That's a feeling all of us have had at one time or another. I have been through three marriages, and I know what you're going through.

 

 

its funny,  bout a week before we broke up  I hade this epiphany that she was the best thing that ever happened to me and that I should marry this woman...thne the proverbial poop hits the fan .

 

I have felt the same way many times. I didn't realize that the skinny kid I married 30 years ago was the one for me; but since we've been together for the past 30 years, I finally realized it.

 

then to make matters worse  she drunken dials me a month after out break up, tonight, and calls to see "how Im doing?"

 

It could have been out of curiosity, or her conscience is getting to her. If she calls again, be polite and business like. Don't ask or offer information that could lead to more problems for the both of you. Talk about the weather, her health, how her job is, and keep it on a friendly business level. Keep your emotions under control, and you'll do fine.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

2 years into our relationship, we graduated college and we moved back to where we grew up.. She lives in North Los Angeles while I live in Orange County.  Bout an hour by car.  At first, we tried to see each other as much as we could.  She undoubtably made most of the effort, coming to see me as much as possible

.

 

Girls perspective:

By not coming to see her, you were showing her that it was all up to her, that it didn't matter what you said about loving her and such. If you'd really wanted to be with her, you'd have come to see her too.

 

3 years in, I started partying alot with my college friends but would still count on her to come and see me couple times a week.  I became complacent with her coming to see me as I knew she would always be there for me...

 

Girls perspective: Biggest mistake boys make with their girlfriends. She should have talked to you about this though, and if you still remained complacent, she should have ended it then. Guys, the minute you take for granted a girls love for you, doom is written on the relationship. Nothing wounds the heart more than the guy not acting like he wants to be with his girl. Direct hit to the heart.

 

4 years now... After a trip to costa rica with one of her friends, she comes back and decides that she doesnt feel the same way about me and that its not my fault.   Literally she says that somethings mising and that she cant love me 100% and that shes not sure she ever did..   I realize in retrospect that its my fault for becoming lazy and that I should have treated her with the respect and admiration that she deserved which she got from me in the beginning..

 

She really wanted it to work I think, tis why it two years for her to come to this decision.

 

 

 

so what Im saying is this.. is it wrong for me to try and put some distance between us?  from what she tells me she says theres no chance well get back together but... Is she just saying that?  Is there a chance?   my mind goes a mile a minute  and I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could undo mistakes Ive made.. its funny,  bout a week before we broke up  I hade this epiphany that she was the best thing that ever happened to me and that I should marry this woman...thne the proverbial poop hits the fan . then to make matters worse  she drunken dials me a month after out break up, tonight, and calls to see "how Im doing?"

 

Why do you want to put distance between you?

 

Are you ashamed of the way you treated her all those years?

 

I think you two would both definitely benefit from just letting it all hang out in a conversation. Say everything you both need to. Both of you listen.

 

You don't know what the universe has in store for you, but it seems like after you both moved home, because she wasn't right in your backyard, you didn't have time for her. Perhaps with some honesty, and really opening your hearts to one another, you have some sort of possibilities in the future. Even if it's just good friends.

 

If you'd know she was the best thing that ever happened to you, you'd never have made her do all that driving, and you'd have put more effort into still chasing her.

 

Just because you got her, didn't mean you could keep her without trying to keep her loving you.

 

You were her first love, it's hard to end that. Tis why she drunk called you. She still cares for you, and always will.

 

 

As for long distance relationships never working out.

 

I'm in one at the moment.

 

The key to it working, is communication, and both parties making an effort to make it work.

 

Small thoughtful things often help, and making a strong effort to be respectful of the others time schedule also helps.

 

The only times we ever have difficulties is when we let fears get in the way of our hearts.

 

Whether it's not wanting to appear to be worried over something, or not wanting to smother the other, once we let those things get in the way of just loving the other freely, than we stumble. But we always manage to get back into the flow again because we talk, and remember to just love each other. That's all that matters.

Edited August 12, 2005 by Madame Butterfly

[gul_nodrog 2]

Long-distance relationship DO work if people are really in love. My husband and I were over an hour separated during our entire courtship. With anyone else, the relationship would have been doomed to failure, but because I was the ONE for him and he was the ONE for me, we perservered.

 

From the girl's perspective -- we women put up with a lot of "abuse" but eventually we get tired of feeling that we are in a one-sided relationship where we do all the caring and working.

 

I can think of two relationships prior to meeting my husband that ended but could have been rekindled with a sincere effort on the part of the man involved ... getting back together with someone is not impossible as long as the woman has not found someone else. If she's finally found someone who is treating her with love and showering her with the attention she wanted from you but didn't get, you may be out of luck.

 

I really hope not for your sake. Good luck.

[Madame Butterfly 0]

From the girl's perspective -- we women put up with a lot of "abuse" but eventually we get tired of feeling that we are in a one-sided relationship where we do all the caring and working.

 

This is sooooooooooooooo true.