Miltary Humor

[Odie 0]

I have found some jokes on the US Miltary. Please enjoy!

 

Service Oaths

 

Army

 

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

 

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.

 

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual...er...I mean Basic Training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

 

On my first trip home after Basic, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

 

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."

 

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So help me God.

Navy

 

I, Squid, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?"

 

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

 

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world. using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

 

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.

 

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.

Air Force

 

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise.

 

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that.

 

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times besure to make them aware of that fact.

 

After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

 

I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.

Marine Corps

 

I, state your name, swear...uuhhhh... high-and-tight... cammies...uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH!

 

So help me Corps.

Edited August 14, 2004 by RikerChick

[WEAREBORG4102 0]

[Odie 0]

I feel so impressed. I missed spelled a word that I should have known. Can a mod please change Humar to Humor? I shouldn't posted when I was tired.

Edited August 13, 2004 by Odie

[Jim Phaserman 0]

I, Puddle P. Irate, Do so solemnly swear to commit 4 years of my pathetic existance to the Coast Gaurd, and to pretend I am in the Navy when anyone asks me what service I am in.

 

I will do my best to do little or nothing at all while on my boat, and pretend that 6 feet is deep water, so help me god.

[Krissy Phaserman 0]

I figured Jim would slip in a Coast Guard joke in there, Lol. I did my service today, I made a Sailor go home with a big grin on his face...wait, Gary doesn't count...never mind...

[He Who Shall Not Be Named 2]

I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.

 

We don't do that... well, OK, some of us do but only the ones fresh out of basic. Besides, what makes you think soldiers can even GET dates?

 

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service,

 

Are you kidding?

 

I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

 

That certainly explains some NCOs I have worked with. One of my squad leaders knew less about conbat engineering than the Privates even though he had just come off of a 3-year Drill Sergeant rotation at the combat engineer school!

 

On my first trip home after Basic, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart.

 

In uniform, too.

 

I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

 

True story: When I was in Korea one of our NCOs got married to one of the prostitutes there, brought her back to the states, and was surprised to learn she still prostituted in the states. He then was reassigned to Korea again, brought his wife with him, figuring that the wife of an E-6 wouldn't need to be a prostitute on the Korean economy, and still she prostituted. This guy was an idiot. He damn near got demoted to E-4 once, and I would have been his new fire team leader.

 

Navy

 

I will drink coffee.

Edited March 31, 2006 by Lt. Van Roy

[Gary Phaserman 0]

Navy

 

I, Squid, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?"

 

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

 

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world. using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

 

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.

 

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.

 

That sounds about right. *jumps out of the way of an oncoming train, manages not to spill coffee* Don't let the single chevron fool you, I'm a master at holding a cup of coffee and looking important...

[Odie 0]

That sounds about right. *jumps out of the way of an oncoming train, manages not to spill coffee* Don't let the single chevron fool you, I'm a master at holding a cup of coffee and looking important...

 

Do you have your PQS signed off to drink coffee without a lid?

[Gary Phaserman 0]

I'm a reservist, and it's not a drill weekend, I can drink coffee without a cup right now if I felt so inclined. Not that I do, because that's usually a bad idea...