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The return of Data - a fanfic story

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Constructive Comments

 

- It all sounds a little "Mary Sue-esque". Make sure you don't end up with a situation where everyone seems to be in love with your lead character.

 

- Change the name of your lead character. "Cindy Smart" sounds like a porn star.

 

- Replace "Janeway" with someone else. You could do without such a dud character in your story.

 

- Get rid of the "birds sang with joy and flowers open" bit. You may as well have cherubs singing while floating on clouds.

 

- I don't buy the whole "she falls in love with Data simply by looking at his mission profiles" bit. How would those files know that he was "introverted but amusing?". Would Geordi's mission profiles say "chief engineer on the Federation flagship.....decorated several times by Starfleet.....shy in a sexy sort of way.....expert CONN officer".

 

- Data did lose his creators, his android offspring and the woman who used him while intoxicated for sexual thrills (I presume you are referring to Tasha Yar) but he didn't seem to "suffer" from it. His reaction basically consisted of a gormless unemotional blank expression.

 

- Q offered to turn Data into a human being, but Data refused.

 

- I'm not sure how credible or desired it would be to have the counselor as XO on a Federation starship.

 

- Your "handsome Lieutenant" sounds like a male version of a Mary Sue.

 

- I don't see why Q would help. What "dilemma" does she face? She either stops having fantasies about a destroyed piece of machinery or she can stop being silly and get on with her duties.

 

- Based on how you describe this character, I think SHE needs a counselor. Quick.

 

- Wanting Data but instead focusing on B-4 is like wanting Brad Pitt, but instead settling for his retarded identical twin.

 

- I wouldn't describe B-4 as a "poor android". He was barely aware of his surroundings. He was the Forrest Gump of androids.

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An interesting premise. Like any first effort and any writing, it needs some revision.

 

Comments:

 

Perhaps another name for the main character might be a good idea. Flesh her out more with info about her likes, dislikes, habits, etc.

 

Maybe more description of Starfleet headquarters or Janeway's office would be good? Also more description of her fellow officers -likes, dislikes, habits, interests ...

 

Is your character really in love or is this just an obsession, or even a crush?

 

Is it that common for an admiral to take such personal interest in an officer, or would this more likely have come from her Commanding officer? If from the admiral, perhaps explain why.

 

Wouldn't any officer on a starfleet vessel face the possibilities of dangers? What she may face less is being responsibe for sending people into harms way. What in her background makes her fear command responsibility? What in her background makes her prone to becoming so obsessed? Tell us! Describe it.

 

Is an obsession or love enough of a motivation to train for and pass command tests?

 

In her quest to know more about Data, wouldn't she seek out his former friends - Riker, Geordi, etc?

 

Like any character, your main character needs to grow. She seems overly romantic for a StarFleet officer, but perhaps that may change as the story develops.

 

You may want to be more clear as to when things take place - stardates perhaps, or at least days of the week.

 

After reading this, I'm anticipating some holodeck scenes!

 

Hope this helps! Keep working on this mission and don't get discouraged.

 

Trekz

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thank you for your comments! I think that Lady Britannia was a little aggressive...But I will try to change the family name of my protagonist.

B-4 is only the first step to arrive to Data...

Trekz is similar to my old teacher of English...accurate, neutral, argumentative. You have sure read a lot of English novels....

I am Italian, so I didn't care so much of the details in my first story. I will explain in the several chapters the story of the protagonists and her relationship with the other characters, this was only the introduction to my story....however, thank you!

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I have finished my story!

I would like that somebody read it and then wirte a review because I would like to know if my work is better than at the beginning, thank you!

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Re-review of Chapter 1 of The Return of Data

 

I would change certain awkward sounding phrases: I would just write "Admiral Janeway", not "the Admiral Janeway." In second paragraph say "often heard stories, " not "heard often stories." In paragraph about Jupiter officers, "middle-aged officers," not "officers of the middle age," and "perfectly well that she must study," not "perfectly that she should study." Try "She was an expert in foreign languages, but she also studied psychology because she like the idea of joining Starfleet." Try "easily pass," not "pass easily." and "good Counsellor and maybe that's enough for now, isn't it", not "good Counsellor now, isn't it?" Later "we immediately stop the test," not "we stop immediately the test." Later "understand well what had changed," not "understand weel what." Later, "searched for a perfect mate" Next paragraph "reactivate the memory files." Next paragraph, "Cindy had met." and "because Picard didn't want to separate from B-4, beacuse Data sacrificed himself" ?for Data. (sorry this sentence confuses me a lot).

 

 

Another concern I have is that Captain Janeway has a best friend we've never heard of, but that's just nitpicking by me I guess. I never like it when characters we've known for years suddenly have friends, relatives, or wives we've never heard of.

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the grammar mistakes were no intentional, obviously.

Admiral Janeway can have had a lot of friends before and after her retrun to Earth... And Cindy isn't the best friend of Janeway! It is the opposite!

If you would read the other chapters, I explained that Cindy's grandfather was an important Admiral and so her family knew a lot of high officers...

I could anticipate it in the first chapter, if you want.

however, thank you

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