The Joys of Womanhood

[A l t e r E g o 9]

Any woman over 40 yrs. of age reading this, I strongly advise ya to take a bathroom break FIRST !!!!

 

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"Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down

and forget where they left them. Isn't that the TRUTH!!!

 

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

 

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear really tight shoes.

 

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

 

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

 

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

 

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

 

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together

and setting my pantyhose on fire.

 

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

 

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.

She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

 

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing

and then they marry him.

 

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too

much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my

idea of a perfect day.

 

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30

can fit into their stuff.

 

Celebrate Womanhood! Share this with all of those amazingly brilliant and tremendously talented women who are intelligent enough to call YOU their friend :-!!!"

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[dsbs 0]

(That was a forward, wasn't it?)

 

I'm not over 40 but I found these very funny - a special kinid of stupid, lol.

 

My favourite line ever: Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. (that works for any age)

[Takara_Soong 4]

Okay this one is REALLY for the ladies:

 

THE PAP SMEAR

 

This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to

that wonderful time once a year when they get to be "intimate" with their

OB/GYN doctor!

 

In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays ($1 000-$5 000) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories.

 

This one netted the winner $5 000 . . . .

 

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynaecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

 

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure it was at least presentable. I threw the

washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

 

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

 

The rest of the day was normal . . . some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

 

After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

[dsbs 0]

Oh god that's hilarious!! OMG!! HAHA :) B)

[A l t e r E g o 9]

Yes it was a forward; an uncle of mine stuffs my inbox with them every week. Up till now I had just been tossing them away with the exception of a few I felt were funny but today I decided to go ahead and post a couple instead of tossing them because someone else might find some fun in them.

 

Oh yeah, about "The Pap-Smear",

[Lubak10 0]

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing

and then they marry him.

 

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too

much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my

idea of a perfect day.

These to are my favorites!! LOL B) :)

[Lessa_Soong 0]

Soong girl, that story was a scream! ROFLAO.

Not quite over 40 yet, but i agree with the "then i regain consciuosness" ( i can never spell that word)

 

I have forgotten to eat, but that is because i get busy with something and then wonder why my stomach is growling at me so loud my, the poeple next dorr can hear it. I alwasy knew i was special. ( a special kind of stupid) :oops:

[Yillara Skye 1]

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

 

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

 

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing

and then they marry him.

The first two remind me of me at times, do not worry this is only sometimes :lol: !

 

The last one, and my little sister might kill me here :oops: , this one sounds SOOOO much like her and her husband!

 

 

And "The Pap Smear" story- that is hysterical!!!

[Takara_Soong 4]

I have a friend who emails me great jokes too. I got this one the other day:

 

The Hangover

 

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

 

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

 

Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

 

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

 

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[A l t e r E g o 9]

:lol: :huh: :lol: I loved that! THANKS for posting!

[Yillara Skye 1]

That is a scream!! :lol: