Dr.Quinzel's Self-Help Therapy Session!

[ChiFire 0]

Wellsy Wellsy folksy wolksys, I DO have a PhD in Psyhcology afta all,and I DID cure Mistah J, so now I'm here to do a little of what I wuz gunna do before I wuz shown the light and followed my Puddin. Despite what anyone sayz, I got real empathy with those who need help and dat's what I'm here ta do!!! So, these cases might help yas to help you help yerself! Have fun!!!!

 

 

THE PROBLEM:

 

Doc Harls,

Help! I have a problem! Well several, actually! But I wanted to enlist the aide of a genus psychologist. Did you know Frued was dead? His answering machine still works, though. My problem is this: Nobody takes me seriously cause I use toys!!! You and Joker use toys and you two are highly respected!?! What about me!?!?! I deserve some respect!!! Whenever I get angry over this I've been killing my henchmen and good help is hard to find. (What's the number of YOUR henchmen agency?)

In short, I WANT SOME RESPECT!!! How can I get it?

Lovingly yours-

The Toyman

P.S.- Say "hi" to the J-man and Ivy for me, it's been awhile since I've seen either of them.

 

FROM THE DOCTOR'S DESK:

 

Well, Toyman sir, many people wanna enlist the aide of a genius psychiatrist, but not many are as lucky as you are!! See, the reason my Puddin gets the respect is becuz he is also diablolical and deviously cleva. Now, dont' fret, cuz NOONE can expect to be as brillyant as he, but if you start makin your toys even MORE lethal, and really get sum variety and murderous intent into your capers, people will pretty soon realize that you're fer sure!! Mistah J finds the best way to get henchmen, is take ova sum otha mutt's teritory with considerable force and scariness. The henchdudes cant be trusted in court, so they need to be disposed of ASAP, but they do the trick for a short while!!

Hope I've helped darlin!!!

*ahem* DR. Harleen Quinzel.

ps:Mistah J and Ivy saz "howdy doody" and Mistah J reminds ya not to rip him off!!!

 

 

THE PROBLEM #2:

 

 

Dear Harley,

I have really serious problem. Ya see, I'm the Joker's daughter and I have adopted the identity of Kabuki which is the Japanese form of acting. Anyways, to start with i found out that my own father dosen't know me. In fact he couldn't even remember my mother although i was concieved while he was in Iran on "business". Then i find out that my father's sworn enemy in Batman, the same guy i fought once in Ireland (a long story so don't ask!). Naturally i offer to help my father but he refuses and, to make a long story short, throws me off a building.

I don't think he knew that i have this wierd ability to survive things that would kill normal people. I think he really tried to kill me. This makes me mad so i'm seriously thinking about murdering him. What should i do?

---Kabuki aka Joker's Daughter

PS. I know you are his girlfriend (lover?) but please try to talk me out of this!!!! Maybe i could become his protege, if he'll only let me...

 

 

MY ANSWER:

 

Well...sweetie...urhm....well,I guess I'd betta get professional bout this!hehe(*grrr*) so cute little Mistah J has a daughter, huh. Well, who woulda thought it!Humph. Well, Mistah J neva told ME and he tells me EVERYTHIN but then again - if ya say he don't know, I guess I'll take ya word for it. Well, Mistah J - he's kinda a lone shark, ya know?I mean he has me, and his few regular henchmen, but otha than that - nobody. And he don't really want nobody else. He don't trust anybody ya know..I mean ANYBODY could just walk off the streets and say they're his kid, and then stab him in the back and he just ain't prepared ta take that risk.

It ain't nuthi personal - just his brillyance..*sigh* Also, he pr0obably knew I'd get jealous, and din't wanna do nuthin tor uin our blissful future when well have kiddies of our own...*hmmm* sigh.

Well, all I can say is DON'T YOU DARE KILL MY PUDDIN OR I'LL RIP OUTCHA HAIR AND....erm...well, what I mean, is that killin him won't solve nuthin. And if you're who you say ya are, I betcha I could convince him to letcha help out now and again.

JUST REMEMBA TOOTS - HE'S MINE! I'm numba one gal in his life, and I'm stayin that way, k? Don't kill him - you'll regret it for the rest of your life, cuz think how awful the world would be with out him?

BTW...I think I just might go have chat with cute little Mistah J about his own little play pen...grrrr....

The one the ONLY Original, bona-fide,nomoneybackguarantee DR. HARLEEN QUINZEL!!!

 

 

THE PROBLEM:

 

Hello, you may or may not know me. I'm sort of new at Arkham. I know I'm in Arkham to get help, but as you know, they aren't of any help at all. Now you, of course being a lot smarter, and insightful than those "doctors" over at Arkham will probably be the only one who will be able to help me with my REAL problems. I mean, poisoning kids with candy from one of the largest candy factories in the world, is all right, if you own the place, right? And dressing up in costumes is perfectly normal. Batman does it, and everyone thinks it's okay when he does. And if that jerk can do it, so can I, and be sane.

But my real problem, Dr. Quinzelle, is one you can probably relate to. Professor Crane never has enough time for me. We're almost opposites, but we've been together since we've met. I love him with all my heart, and I think he loves me too, but all he can think about it FEAR, FEAR, FEAR! I don't know what to do. I have to put up with so much! Especially when he wants to play "scare your little girlfriend to death" It's gotten to the point where Im adicted to that fear toxin! What do I do?

Kandy Kane

XOXO

 

MY ANSWER:

 

Hey honey!! Well, I heard ya moved into the cell just down the corridor from me, so as a Member of Arkham I've got a BIIIG "WELCOME" for ya!! Anyhowz,don't listen to any of these dum doctors in this dump. Not all of them got their marks in the most admirable of ways...know what I'm saying??*ahem* I'm the only one who can trust cuz I got empathetic experience!!!!!

Of COURSE it's perfectly normal to dress in said costume and poison said candky. I mean, look at all the candy my Puddin's posioned, and he's the sanest, sweetest man alive!! (just dont' put cherry in nougat!!!!). Don't worri about what other people think of you, just be yourself and everyone will admire you for it!!

As for Prof. Crane...well, I know he's a big sweetie, and again, I can relate to your problem. Babe, whatcha gotta do is DEVOTE YOURSELF ENTIRELY TO HIM. Don't EVA waste time thinkin bout your needs. Love him totally, do everything he asks, and neva eva question him. He will come to pet you for it. You gotta remember, if you love your man, he's gotta know it. And demanding time for yourself, or expecting him to put aside his wants for you, is just plain selfish. I learned all this in my perfect relationship with Mistah J, and look at the blissful happiness we're in!! Take it from one who knows girlfriend, that's the way to go!!!

Doctor Harleen Quinzel,psychologist extraordinaire!!

 

THAT'S ALL FER TODAY, FOLKS, BUT I'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK!

 

 

 

A note from Chi: I did not write this all by myself, so don't kill me