How to Prepare for Deployment

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Things to do for a smooth transition, once you find out when you're

deploying:

 

Sleep on a cot in the garage.

 

Replace the garage door with a wool army blanket.

 

Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip

open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "Sorry,

wrong cot."

 

Renovate your bathroom. Hang a white plastic sheet down from the

middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level.

Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself.

Leave 2 to 3 sheets of toilet paper on roll, just the roll, or for

best effect, remove it altogether. Turn off the water when your bodily

needs are the most urgent.

 

When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

 

Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit on a pile of rocks and

sprinkle dirt on your head.

 

Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH"

for that tactical generator smell.

 

Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have

your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different

one.

 

Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day for the

proper noise level.

 

Have the paper boy give you a haircut.

 

Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure

the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house.

Laugh at him when he curses you.

 

Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in

the other side of your bathtub. When it become too much set it on fire

in the backyard.

 

Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly or

tuna fish sandwich on a saltine cracker.

 

Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your

food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an

unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

 

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When

it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can.

 

Shower with all your neighbors standing within a 20 ft radius. Turn

your cold water off and turn the hot water up. Use no more than 1

gallon of water. Brush your teeth with water from a canteen.

 

Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and then put

them back together again.

 

Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours

before drinking.

 

Invite at least 465 people you don't really like because of their

strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months.

Exchange clothes with them.

 

Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table

and lie under it to read books.

 

Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back

doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on

the every time you pass through one of them.

 

Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the

bathroom with you. Also bring your weapon and a flashlight. Walk three

houses down and use your neighbors bathroom.

 

Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case."

Every time.

 

Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you

as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say,

"Sorry it's for the other Smith."

 

Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet,

semi-clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a sack in the corner of

the garage. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing

the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family

gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like.

Enthusiastically repeat the process for another 16 weeks.

 

Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed,

wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a

vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

 

Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

 

Demand each family member be limited to 15 minutes per week for a

morale call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

 

Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper

ambiance.

 

Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and

fragmentation. Never ever pull off the road.

 

While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and

culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before

proceeding. Have strange looking foreign people stare at you while

holding machine guns and rocket propelled grenades.

 

Fire off 50 Cherry Bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m.

When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, it was just a

rocket attack. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute

for their shattered windows.

 

Eat three starches shaped like the scoop they were served in, no fresh

fruit, and very little meat.

 

When people put their hand on your shoulder and say, "Welcome back

from Afghanistan, was it bad over there?" Reply by saying, "Ouch, my

smallpox vaccination hasn't healed!"

 

Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you

placed outside the front door before they come inside.

 

Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

 

When your 8-year old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact

stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page.

Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the

paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your

son the gum.

 

Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot

it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.

 

Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order

yourself to repeat this process for another 6 months to simulate the

next deployment you've just been ordered to support.

 

4 days a week stand in front of industrial strength sand blaster all

day. In summer months amplify sand blaster with acetylene torch or

Titan IV rocket motor.

 

MSG Frederick L. Punte, USAF

Operation Enduring Freedom

Anti-Terrorist Strike Force

Bagram Air Base, Afghanistan

[Klingonmike 0]

Ahhh the military,its so much fun.Go to exotic places,see wonders of the world,meet exciting people,then kill them.I miss my old Army days!

[cassidy 0]

B) B)

[A l t e r E g o 9]

Happy 227th Birthday to the U.S. Army!

[Xeroc 0]

Funny