Ktrek's Personal Log

[Guest Ktrek]

Well, I've decided to take the time and start a personal log. I don't think I'll post to it every day but I will when I have some event or thought worthy of posting.

 

I thought on this first post I would write a little about my history. I'll be 48 in March of 2004. I'm male and happily married to a wonderful woman. Her selfless giving of herself puts me to shame but I have been making a conscious effort to be more giving and less taking in my own life.

 

I became a Star Trek fan from the very first episode when it aired September 8th, 1966. I was only 10 years old but I remember the family sitting down together to watch this new sc-fi show. My Dad never did take a liking to it but he allowed my brother and I to watch it every week. Once Star Trek had finished it's initial run and was in rerun syndication I watched it every day when I got home from school.

 

Star Trek got me VERY interested in sci-fi in general, although I have to admit to staying up with my mom when I was just a little tyke and watching the "Outer Limits" and the "Twilight Zone". As a teen I collected and read science fiction books. I loved having my imagination taken to far away places in space and worlds unknown. I have loved sci-fi ever since. Movies, books, TV whatever! Even comic books.

 

When I was 17 a friend of mine and I played hooky from school to go see this new sci-fi movie starring Sean Connery called "Zardoz". I was impressed with the movie but even more impressed with the music that went with the movie. Like most teenagers I was into music BIG TIME. By the time I was 18 I had collected over 1500 albums. In particular I was into "progressive rock". Groups like YES, Emerson Lake and Palmer, Camel, Jade Warrior, King Crimson, Genesis, Kansas etc. The music in Zardoz just seemed to fit this movies so well. So, I stayed through the credits only to find out it was composed by Beethoven! This was a shocker! Could classical music be any good? Well, I started collecting and listening to classical music only to discover that much of the progressive rock I listened to was greatly influenced by great classical composers. I have been listening to and enjoying classical ever since.

 

When I was 20 I had two life changing events occur. First I became convinced after much study and reflection that Christianity was the truth and that Jesus Christ did come and die and was raised again for my sins. What spoke to me the most was the fact that when I looked at myself I knew I was a "sinner" and that no matter what I did or how many good things I could do I would never be worthy of a "holy" God. Every other religion I had studied made "works" a basis of salvation. The iniquity of my heart told me that I could never be good enough or do enough "works" so I needed a saviour and that is what Christ provided. I became a "new" man. Becoming a Christian did not change my basic personality traits but it did and has "tempered" many especially my evil ones. I immediately stopped cussing, doing drugs, stealing, excessive drinking and leading a pagan, hedonistic lifestyle. The second thing that occured was marrying my first wife and within a year having a child. Sometimes I regret having ever married my first wife but I do not regret the life I gave raising our daughter. I wish my marriage had lasted and I also wish my daughter had turned out differently but maybe I will save that for another log on another day.

 

Perhaps this is enough for my first posting.

 

Ktrek

[v_seven 0]

Hi Ktrek...I will be 48 in March/04 as well...the 29th which I believe in Sirtis's

birthday aswell....I am female and in a very happy long term relationship, and I'm in this site because I love ST. I read alot of Sci-fi and Fantasy aswell.

 

I enjoyed reading your log, I can't explain why right now, but you made me smile..Thanks

[Guest Ktrek]

v_seven,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my log and I'm glad I put a smile on your face. BTW my birthday is the 31st. I don't know if I share a birthday with any Trek stars. However, March is the month that Shatner's, Nimoy and Doohan's birthdays fall in. How cool is that!

 

Ktrek

[cptwright 1]

that is a great first post for your logs ktrek. im with you on the marriage thing, i wish that mine couldve lasted, and as i look back, i like to think other than some minor things, i wouldnt change much, after all life is a journey, and i had a lot of highs, as well as lows. i learned a lot from it as well. well i hope i did.

[Guest Ktrek]

I thought I might add some more history today.

 

In my mid twenties I moved from Idaho Falls, ID to Tulsa, OK so I could attend Bible School. At the time I honestly thought I wanted to serve God in ministry. During the time I lived in Tulsa I started a small church that met in our home. It started with just 5 of us and grew to about 25 in a couple of years time. The Lord was teaching me many things about what it means to be a Christian and what true service to Christ is here in this world. Then He lowered the big one on me. I became very convicted by a passage in I Timothy 3 that the overseer(Pastor) should not be a novice. I thought but what about "let no man despise your youth" that Paul said to Timothy? As I studied the passages I found that Timothy was likely in his mid 40's when Paul the aged(probably late 60's) said this to him. As I got thinking and praying about things I came to realize that having a "sense" of a calling is not enough that you must have "experience" also in life to serve in this way. I was just a young guy in my mid twenties and I had no life experience to be able to counsel and help others. Wisdom is gained only by experience. Knowledge can be gained by books and study but life and time bring wisdom as circumstances allow you to apply your knowledge. I knew that I had to close the meeting down. My ability to study and teach were not enough and I needed to wait on God and allow for more growth in my outward and inward life to be able to serve "rightly".

 

About 6 months later I met a brother who is now to this day my best friend in the world. He and I were on similiar pathways in the faith. We both have rejected "organized", "institutionalized" Christianity and our families started meeting together in his home. It was one of the most blest times and experiences of my Christian life. It was like heaven on earth. The Spirit of God was free to use "whosoever" He chose. There was no "pastor" or one man ministry. It was the body functioning and every member contributing to what the Spirit was doing. We grew to include about 5 other families and a couple of singles in a very short time. However, it was not to last.

 

Sadly the enemy came into our group through a sister and brought much dissension and confusion. It escalated to the point where the meetings disolved. :) It was a very sad and heartbreaking turn of events. What we experienced has ever been elusive to me since.

 

When I was about 30 years old I was working as a salesman and my wife was a manager for a major grocery store deli. An opportunity came for her to have a promotion and I felt like I could not stand in her way even though it meant us relocating. So, we moved to Salt Lake City, UT. Being in sales I knew I could take my skills anywhere. I was hired by Radio Shack and became the quickest associate to ever become manager in the districts history. I loved managing for them. I have always loved electronics and technology so it really helped the geeky side of my personality.

 

During this time my wife did a lot of traveling. I do not know any of the details but one day I accidently discovered she was having an affair. I had gotten into her glove box for some reason to get something and I came across plane tickets for her and someone else to Las Vegas for the weekend. Also she had several receipts for local hotels for weekends that she supposedly had been out of town on business. I had to confront her and she admitted to the affair. I was devastated! 12 years we had been married and I had no clue! ouch! Somehow we were able to get beyond it and we tried to save our marriage. Only Christ could have given me the strength because in the natural I wanted to just beat the crap out of her and send her on her way but love would not let me. Shortly after her company divided into two entities and we wound up relocating with them to the Dallas, TX area. I transferred with Radio Shack but I had to start over in a new district. Soon I was managing again but I was not as happy living in Dallas as I was in Salt Lake City. I missed the mountains and skiing and climbing. There was nothing to do here and my spiritual life was in trouble.

 

More next time!

 

Ktrek

[Guest Ktrek]

While I lived in Salt Lake City I never did find a spiritual home. I was hoping that moving to the South would open up some new possibilities for spiritual fellowship again. I didn't have trouble making friends or finding others interested in Star Trek. Especially working for Radio Shack. It was one of our favorite topics but the 2 years in SLC and the affair had negative results on my spiritual life. We started attending various churches in hopes that we could find someplace suitable. The trouble was that I had become too knowledgable about what the Bible teaches about ministry and New Testament Christianity and I could see the worldly endeavors that are done here supposedly in Christ's name. The Bible teaches that we are a "heavenly" and "spiritual" people and yet most of what goes on in Christianity is "earthly" and "worldly". Sure they take up the name of Christ but it is mostly by profession with very little reality. Anyway I was finding myself in a very poor backslidden state and was desperate to find some spiritual help.

 

For many years I had been reading ministry published by a group of Christians called the "Plymouth Brethren". Brethren have a history going back to the 1820's and I found their ministry very encouraging and Christ centered. During this "drought" in my Christian experience two publishers that I received monthly ministry from contacted me about meetings both in Denton, TX. I lived in Garland a suburb of Dallas. Denton was a 50 mile drive for us but I made contact with one of the groups and started coming every Sunday up to Denton for meetings. After about 6 months we moved to Denton so we could attend the meetings.

 

We had a real struggle with my 14 year old daughter who had become involved in a gang in Garland. We were unaware of her involvement or how deep it was until we decided to move. She was determined not to move and she had a contract out on our heads to have us killed. This was a very frightening time in our lives. Detectives investigated and said that we could press charges but I could not bring myself to do it. It just gave me more reason to move to Denton. We had big struggles with her for about a year and she ran away several times to go back to her gang friends. Finally I think we got through to her to some degree or she just gave up. I'm not sure which but she seemed to stabilize until my wife had her next affair. Again she was on business traveling a lot and one day she had come home from her recent trip and I found in her suitcase a "Teddy" lingerie. My wife had never worn anything that sexy since we were first married. So, I confronted her. She denied it this time but said she wanted a divorce. It wasn't until I had moved out that my daughter had told me that her mother was actually seeing someone else and had for some time. I'm not stupid! With the shame of the divorce hanging over my head I left the Brethren meetings and again found myself without any spiritual help or fellowship. Once again I was in spiritual trouble!

 

More Next Time!

 

Ktrek

[Guest Ktrek]

I've been a little busy to continue here recently but I will try and pick up where I left off.

 

The dissolution of my marriage was very disappointing to say the least. I was always taught that marriage was "forever" and that Christians especially should not divorce. I'm thankful that Jesus put that clause in the scriptures that says "except for fornication" as that made it easier. It also helped me realize that I could re-marry without condemnation as I was not the adulterer or fornicator in the relationship. However, I did find myself sadly depressed for a while and drank a lot of beer to deal with my inner feelings. Looking back now I don't think this was the best thing but at the time it was my way of coping with all the hurt.

 

Shortly after my divorce was final my daughter moved in with me. Her mother was not able to deal with her. Sadly enough neither was I. She was doing a lot of drugs and partying. Dropped out of school. Started working but couldn't keep employed. She brought a lot of craziness into my life again and frustration. Her druggy friends were coming over and ripping me off. They stole about half of my CD collection, my $250 motorola pager and finally my CD player out of my truck to support their drug habits. After that I had enough and kicked her out. I cannot and will not live that way. We even had one of her party buddies attempt to break into our apartment one night at 3:00 in the morning. After she left my life calmed down some.

 

About 6 months after our divorce my ex-wife remarried. She didn't even marry the guy she left me for. He wouldn't leave his wife once she had committed to him! Oh the irony of it all!

 

I hadn't really had any luck meeting any women after the divorce. The first year or so I didn't want to but then I realized that I would really like to have someone in my life that actually cared for me. I don't think my ex-wife ever really loved me although we were good friends. About two years after my divorce I was reading the local newspaper and discovered they had a romance section. I had never given this method any serious thought but as I got thinking about it I thought what would it hurt? It was no expense at all to the person placing the ad but cost the person inquiring about $5.00 to hear your voicemail and leave a message.

 

So, I got up the courage and place an ad that was titled:

 

THREE PASSIONS: Christ, Classical Music and Star Trek

 

Then there was a quick blurb underneath about my age, status etc. I started getting calls the day the ad premiered and must have dated about 35 to 40 women over a 6 month time period. I was then getting frustrated because I hadn't met anyone that I felt like there was a future there. Not to mention going broke from dating all the time. Then one day this woman called and left a message but I could never get a hold of her. So I decided to try before I left for work one day and she answered. She had given only her work number because she was a little cautious about the whole process. I gave her my phone number and asked her to call me that night. She did and we talked for hours we had so much in common. She was a few years older than me but I wanted to meet her. So, we agreed to meet at a restaurant where she knew the owners for dinner. When I saw this woman walk into the restaurant I thought "now here is someone I could be interested in!". She was attractive and tall and VERY nice personality. We had a very nice evening and parted ways. I couldn't stop thinking about her so I called a few days later and took her out for dinner again. Well, suffice to say that three months from the day we met we married and have enjoyed marital bliss ever since! She is a dear sweet Christian woman who, believe it or not, loves classical music and STAR TREK! WOOOHOO! What a find!!! We have been married for eight years now and I think this one is "till death do us part"!

 

Well, that's probably enough for now! :biggrin:

 

Ktrek

[Guest Ktrek]

OK now where was I? Oh yea! I'm finally remarried! :P

 

Well, after my current wife and I married (her name is Laurie or Latrek) I wanted to go back to the Plymouth Brethren meetings. We stayed there in fellowship for about 7 years. Many problems arose in the local meeting and my wife and I were becoming more and more discouraged. We were also frustrated with all their rules spoken and unspoken. Certain patterns of behaviour are expected of you, many which have very little or nothing to do with being a Christian but what it means to be "Brethren". We attended 6 and sometimes as many as 8 meetings a week. Our whole lives became work and meetings. Now if you are retired and have nothing else to do this is fine but it began to have it's toll. Especially on me! My wife too but she was not as aware of it.

 

About two years before we left the meetings I went through a period of depression. I actually had a physical collapse one day in front of the doctors office. It was so weird! My wife drove me there because I was feeling all weirded out and felt like I couldn't breathe. When she pulled up to the doctor's office I opened the car door and stepped out and I just fell flat on my face. Well, they thought I was having a heart attack and called the ambulance. This was one of those experiences in life where everything seems to happen in slow motion just like in the movies. I was ultimately diagnosed as having had a panic attack and severe depression. The depression and panic attacks continued on and off for about two years until I finally convinced my wife we needed to leave the meetings. I felt like my life was at stake here. I had no joy in my Christian walk and experience and yet I knew I should have and wanted to have. Amazingly enough my depression lifted after we got free from the meetings. I don't think my wife or I knew how much control they placed on our lives until we got free of them. We have made a determination to never come under the control of men or a Church group that rob us of our Christian liberty again!

 

Today we have a small meeting that gathers in our home with other believers locally. We meet just once a week for a few hours every Sunday evening. Anyone ever in the Denton, TX area and want to stop by for fellowship are always welcome. Just email me. We feel that the Lord has been blessing this little gathering of believers and we are growing spiritually. Perhaps, sometime, I will post on here why I cannot and will not attend institutional or organized church groups. Let me just boil it down to a nutshell for you though at this time. I really feel that the Holy Spirit is not free to move in most Church groups and use the "body" of believers. The whosever He wills! Instead the Church has put themselves in an unhealthy position by relying on one man ministry and what amounts to worldly "religous"(not spiritual) education. Instead of being accredited by the Spirit of God leaders today are accepted by their credentials from a "religous" school. This is not New Testament and is just the innovations of mans natural mind working in Divine things. It really lowers the quality of the Christian experience and releases the individual from taking responsibilty to study and grow and be a real living part of the Body of Christ. The world does not need more "religion" it needs Christ and He is a living person and desires a living "relationship" with His creation.

 

Anyway, we are glad to be free and have Christ to bind us together in our marriage and with the believers we walk with. I think that mostly brings you up to date although I have left out many many details. I'll continue to post things as I think about different things. I would like to take one post and just talk about all the trouble I have had with my daughter. I'd also like to post some of my spiritual musings.

 

Let me add one other thing. I do not mean to "offend" anyone on the board by my logs. My only intention is to help regular users get to know the "real" me. Getting to know me "includes" my spiritual side. Without my spiritual life I am really nobody but because of Christ I have found hope, comfort, strength, and victory in and through the many circumstances of my life. So, if you are offended by spiritual thoughts(especially Christian based thoughts) then please do not read my logs as you are going to come upon my spiritual musings. I intend to jot down some of my thoughts on various passages of scripture from time to time. I'm also VERY open to comments or even to debate any thoughts I put forth if you are up to the challenge.

 

I also want to thank VBG for this website and the sanctuary it provides and the "Personal Log" section because it is kind of therapeutic putting these thoughts and feelings and history in words and sharing my life experiences and what they have taught me with others.

 

God Bless!

 

Ktrek

[Guest Ktrek]

It's been a few days since I posted. I've been pretty busy at work and at home. The following has spiritual content. If spiritual thoughts and things offend you please read no further. Thanks!

 

I was thinking today about how God has blessed my life. Even with as many difficulties that have come in during the course of my life I have been blessed beyond what I deserve. I find myself content with where I am at this point of my life. God has blessed me with a wonderful wife, a nice home, a good paying job, great friends and co-workers and lot's of material things that will someday pass away but I can still enjoy them.

 

For a Christian it is not wrong to have "things" but it is wrong for "things" to have or posses you. Christ never preached a life of poverty as some would like you to believe but He taught us to be content in our circumstances where He has placed us. That would be whether In India or Africa, America or Russia, rich or poor, slave or free, we are to accept our circumstances. Many people are not content with their lives and struggle to make more money and have more things. They think that these things give value and meaning to their existence when in reality they are empty and will one day all turn to dust.

 

I really believe in Christ's words "seek you first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you". The "these things" that Christ is talking about are the necessities for our existence here on Earth. I have found that God has provided for all my needs, and then some, so that I can be a blessing to others because He likes to use His people to meet the needs of others less fortunate. The key is in seeking God and His righteousness. It is a lifelong quest to seek God and to follow after righteousness (righteousness in it's simplest definition is to do what is "right" before God). It is not a confession at an altar call where you supposedly are "born again". Many people walk the aisle and make the confession that has little or no reality in their lives. Being "born again" is important but it doesn't happen by saying a little prayer and answering an altar call or even being baptized. It comes about because God has first worked within the person and you have answered His call to walk before Him.

 

As stated in an earlier post I came to a "decision" to become a Christian after much study and contemplation. I studied various religions of the world and different philosophies and spent several years agonizing over whether God was real or not. Once I made that commitment and came to true faith I was a changed man. I am not going to say that I have never struggled with my walk or that I was never tempted and failed because the fact is that I have. However, I have learned that the love of Christ sees beyond my failures and gives me strength to, like the old Fred Astaire song, "pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again". That is called "grace" and the grace of God is sufficient to keep me close to Him. My relationship with God is not based on what I do or do not do. That is the law and the law only brings death and despair because you can never keep the law, but my relationship is based on love. God's love for me, my love given back to Him expressed by obedience and loving others as Christ commanded me. But it's love that flows in response to God and all that He is and has done and will do for me and not because I have to. I do not have to love God but I want to love Him and be pleasing to Him. Much like a father desires his children to love Him willingly because of the relationship that should exists between Father and child, so God the Father desires us to love Him willing and not out of command or coercion. God's love is freely given and so should our love.

 

The Bible says, "now remains three things, faith hope and love, and the "greatest" of these is love. You cannot help but love when you have known love. I pray that others may find love, peace and joy this day!

 

 

Ktrek