LordOfTheBorg 1 Posted February 21, 2004 (edited) Reasons Why Captain Janeway Is Better Than Captain Picard 1. One word: hair 2. More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined. 3. Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff. 4. Beams down to the planet like real Captains should. 5. Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line. 6. Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet. 7. Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0 8. Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions. 9. Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through. 10. Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet. 11. Looks better in sleepwear. 12. Isn't French with an English accent. 13. "Take this cheese to sickbay!" I don't know why this is here, either, but I loved that line! 14. Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience. 15. When Janeway lands her ship, it can take off again. 16. Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better. 17. To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song...in French...about a monk...who can't wake up for morning bells. 18. The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will. 19. Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo. 20. She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way. 21. Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles. 22. Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasle her way out of it with philosophical ramblings. 23. 30 episodes without surrendering the ship. 24. 30 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship. 25. Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniouses who yet again take over the ship. 26. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands. 27. Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic! 28. Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television. 29. Cheese 30. Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet. 31. She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English. 32. Her engineer does not wear a bananna clip over her eyes. 33. Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments. 34. Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!). 35. Her telepath only lives nine years. 36. Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme. 37. 45,000 light-years is one thing. Every point in the universe instantaneously? That's excessive! 38. Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force". 39. Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail. 40. The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach. 41. Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off. 42. Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia. 43. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid." 44. Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. I can't help myself! 45. Hugs her Vulcan from time to time. 46. Has a more manly voice. 47. Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot. 48. Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish! 49. Kes. Troi. No contest. 50. Neelix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable. 51. At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink. 52. Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles. 53. Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy. 54. Her OPS officer can use contractions. 55. Her first officer has a halucinogenic device. 56. None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind. 57. To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get . . . to Risa. 58. Riker never smiled at Picard that way. 59. Q asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused. Q asked Picard's girlfriend to run away with him and she accepted. Next storys for dcwho42, and anyone else who thinks that ST is funny NOTE: ITS REALLY,REALLY LONG!!!!! The Following Story Contains Scenes OF A Adult Nature. Viewer Discrection Is Advised Click for Spoiler: BOB Personal log, ensign Bob, Stardate 5...I mean 71...no 3...Oh screw the Stardate!! Anyway, since I was the only crew member who didn't compliment the captain on his hair growing another eighth of a centimeter, I get to watch the shuttlebay during the night shif-. He is interrupted by a peculiar, grinding, wheezing sound from the corner of the room. A blue Police Box appears, and a middle-aged man and a young girl step out. The girl pulls out a small metal thing, resembling a canteen, and walks to the shuttles. DOCTOR I don't know you and you probably don't know me. Good, now that the introductions are settled, where am I, and do you have any spoons? BOB Who?...What?...Where?...Why?... DOCTOR You left out when. BOB Sorry...When?... THE DOCTOR, looking very pleased with himself, turns around and runs headlong into TARDIS. SHUTTLECRAFT BOOM!!! ACE Brutal! (Pulls out more nitro-nine) BOB What was that? DOCTOR Just Ace. BOB (More confused now than ever) Oh. (He finally gets back in control of himself and taps communicator) Ensign Bob to security, we have an intruder in the main shuttlebay. WORF (Over communicator) is he armed? BOB No. WORF Damn! I can't shoot him then...But I can interrogate him! I'm on my way! Two seconds later, WORF arrives. He misses the door and creates a WORF-shaped hole in the bulkhead. WORF runs in and pins THE DOCTOR to the ground. BOB Not him, her! (Points to Ace just as another shuttle explodes) SHUTTLECRAFT BOOM!!! ACE Brutal! WORF charges into ACE, who ducks. The two of them engage in hand-to-hand Combat, and start rolling around on the floor. PICARD, RIKER, and DATA enter, they all look at ACE and WORF rolling around on the floor, and then at the WORF-shaped hole by the door. ACE and WORF roll by a shuttle. ACE tosses something into the shuttle. PICARD What the blazes was that? DATA Nitro-nine, sir. PICARD What does it do? DATA It explodes, sir. PICARD Are you sure? SHUTTLECRAFT BOOM!!! DATA Quite sure, sir. ACE Grunt... Grunt... Brutal!...Grunt...Grunt... DOCTOR (Steps forward) I'm known as The Doctor. DATA (Sarcastically) I'm known as The Data. PICARD Data, why did you just say that? DATA (Normal voice) I am experimenting with sarcasm, sir. PICARD Well, stop it. DATA Yes, oh grand master, sir! PICARD I said stop it! (Turns red.) SHUTTLECRAFT BOOM!!! PICARD You too! ACE Brutal!...Grunt...Grunt... COMMUNICATOR Chirp, chirp. PICARD Picard here. UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT Sir, there's a ship off the port bow that wants to talk to Commander Riker. RIKER Put it through. PICARD I'm the captain, I say to put it through! RIKER Oh, shut up, you old bugger. PICARD takes a swing at RIKER, who ducks. RIKER returns swing and PICARD falls down, knocked out, cold. DOCTOR Ace, come here. (ACE disentangles herself from WORF and comes) Ace, there is something very strange going on. I think the TARDIS ruptured a temporal crossover dimensional conduit. Either that, or He (Glances upward) Is starting to make things happen where they really shouldn't. ACE Do you mean...God? DOCTOR No! More important than Him! ACE You don't mean th...The...PRESIDENT OF THE B.B.C.??!! EVERYONE All hail to the PRESIDENT OF THE B.B.C.!!! DOCTOR No! More important than HIM, too! ACE More important than the PRESIDENT OF THE B.B.C.??!! EVERYONE All hail to the PRESIDENT OF THE B.B.C.!!! DOCTOR Yes! ACE You don't mean th...The... DOCTOR Yes! The Author! EVERYONE Oh, the Author...Uh huh... ME I beg your pardon? EVERYONE Uh...We mean THE AUTHOR! How privileged we are to be in his presence. ME That's better. Go on with your miserable little lives. ACE Thank you. So, what happens now? DOCTOR Well, things start to happen that you wouldn't expect to see everyday. ACE Like what? There is a bright flash and two women and a man appear. LISTER What the smeg is going on??!! LAVERYN AND SHRILLY One, two, three, four. Five, six, sev- SHRILLY Wait a minute, Laveryn. This isn't Milwaukee. LAVERYN You're right, Shyril. Maybe it's this way. The two of them start to walk towards the shuttlebay doors, and through the forcefield before anyone can say anything. The two of them get a breath-taking view of space, but they are both too busy attempting to scream from the pain of their lungs exploding, due to the fact that taking a breath while one is looking at a breath-taking view of space when one is actually in space is not the most productive or intelligent way one can spend their time. LISTER Just as well, I never liked their show, anyway. (Disappears, along with the corpses of the two most boring people in the known universe.) DOCTOR Like that. COMMUNICATOR Chirp, chirp. THE SAME UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT Sir, that ship still wants to talk to you. RIKER Now you can put it through. (PICARD groans, RIKER kicks him.) WOWBAGGER THE INFINITELY PROLONGED William Thomas Riker? RIKER Yes? WOWBAGGER THE INFINITELY PROLONGED You're a bonehead, Riker. A complete and utter moron. Over the comm link, there is the sound of a ship going to warp, and the sound of the transmission being cut, but this is soon droned out by multiple peculiar, wheezing, grinding sound. Six more Police Boxes and a three dimensional triangle appear. All Police Box doors open, except for one, as it is blocked by the wall. It dematerializes and rematializes the other way round. Six DOCTORS and the RANI emerge from the TARDISES. DOCTORS 1-7 Rani! SOMEONE IN THE BACK Norm! The RANI looks around, and reenters her TARDIS, which dematerializes. DOCTORS 1-7 notice each other. DOCTORS 1-7 What are you doing here? BOB What am I doing here? (Leaves) DOCTORS 1-7 I'm looking for- DOCTOR 1 -my tie. DOCTOR 2 -my recorder. DOCTOR 3 -Bessie. DOCTOR 4 -K-9. DOCTOR 5 -my celery. DOCTOR 6 -my cat pin. DOCTOR 7 -Spoons. NORM Beer! DATA Yup, there's nothing better than fermented barley juice that slowly erodes away the liver. NORM (Raises beer) You got it! NORM disappears and is replaced by RIMMER. RIMMER Holly, where am I? DATA I'm not Holly. RIMMER I'm sorry, I- DATA But let me check...No, not Holly. RIMMER Look, I didn't mean- DATA But let me check again...Still not Holly. How's that for a coincidence? RIKER Stop it, Data. DATA Oh, I'm- DATA'S ON/OFF SWITCH *Click* (RIKER withdraws hand from DATA's back) *Click* (DATA withdraws his hand from his own back) RIKER Wait a minute, you can't turn yourself back on. PICARD (Groan) Yes he can. RIKER Shut up! (Another kick) DOCTOR 3 Who exactly are you? RIMMER My name is Arnold J. Rimmer, Second Technition-Red Dwarf-serial number 2364-858857-9865-B, and that's all I am prepared to tell you, gentlemen. WORF GRRR! WORF leaps at RIMMER, flies through him, and lands on PICARD'S motionless body. He gets up embracingly, stepping on PICARD'S chest in the progress. PICARD Oof! WORF walks over threateningly towards RIMMER. RIMMER Red Dwarf can be destroyed by transmitting the code 365345363643-84645454-7797876423 to the main mining grid. For White Giant change 84645454 to 74784645; for Blue Midget change it to 46782195. That's all I know! I swear! Please don't kill me! DOCTOR 6 Do I detect the slightest hint of a yellow streak in you? RIMMER Look, it's not my fault, it's my family's fault. I mean, take my mum- RIKER I did. RIMMER You...you...you smeg head! DATA That's two. ACE starts to pass her hand through RIMMER, who ineffectively tries to bat her hands away. DOCTOR 1 What ever made you chose a companion like that? DOCTORS 2-7 Bad heredity. ACE makes another pass through RIMMER and brushes against his light bee. She reaches in and grabs it; RIMMER vanishes. RIMMER What the smeg is going on? DOCTOR 3 Didn't Lister say that? DATA Retarded minds think alike. ACE finally gets bored with tossing RIMMER'S light bee around, and lobs it out the gaping mouth of the shuttlebay doors. Well, it's not the doors themselves, more the gaping space left between them while they are ajar, like the way they are at the moment. Whatever it is, RIMMER'S light bee is now flying through the air towards it\them. RIMMER Excuse me, pardon me, that wasn't very nice, I- (He is cut off as he passes through the force field and into the vacuum of space.) DOCTOR 2 Someone has got to close those doors. PICARD'S COMMUNICATOR Chirp, chirp. RIKER activates COMMUNICATOR by stepping on PICARD'S chest. PICARD Oof! RIKER Riker here. DATA No, Data here. (Points) Riker there. CRUSHER Sir, a three dimensional triangle has just materialized, and a strange woman has taken over sickbay. DOCTOR 1 Great, we have a ruptured temporal crossover dimensional conduit, the Rani is in control of a medical facility... DOCTORS 2-7 No...Don't say it! DOCTOR 1 ...What else could go wrong? DOCTORS 2-7 He said it! A white pillar materializes in the middle of the shuttlebay. An arm emerges, and zaps an expendable ensign with the Tissue Compression Eliminator, and the MASTER'S TARDIS dematerializes. DOCTOR'S 2-7 We told you not to say that! DOCTOR 1 becomes so embarrassed that he regenerates into DOCTOR 2. DOCTOR 2a and DOCTOR 2b look at each other and the universe promptly explodes. UNIVERSE Boom!!! SHUTTLECRAFT Copycat! (Silence.) (Silence.) (Silence.) (Silence.) (Believe it or not, more silence.) UNIVERSE !!!MOOB (BOOM!!! backwards) racecar (racecar backwards) A man a pla-(OK, that one was too far...) Time starts running backwards to the point just before DOCTOR 1's collapse, and then alters itself to avert DOCTOR 1's regeneration. DOCTOR 6 Now there's something you don't see every day. ANNOUNCER Unless you live in beautiful, downtown Burbank. PICARD jumps up and puts one of the remaining shuttles between him and RIKER. RIKER Mr. Worf, please place the captain in the brig. WORF I cannot do that, sir. DATA (With a sneer) Why not, won't your code of honor allow you to imprison your captain? WORF No, I just don't wanna. UNIMPORTANT SHUTTLE TECHNICIAN This is too much for me, I'm leaving! (Leaves) DOCTOR 2 Coward! UNIMPORTANT SHUTTLE TECHNICIAN (Popping head back in room) Scarecrow! (Leaves, again.) PICARD'S COMMUNICATOR (In tune to Beethoven's fifth) Chirp chirp chirp, chirp. Chirp chirp chirp, chirp. Chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp- RIKER'S COMMUNICATOR (Scoffing) Prima Donna. THE UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT ON THE BRIDGE Sir, the two invaders- DOCTOR 3 You mean the Master and the Rani? DATA No, he means Laurel and Hardey, of course he means the Master and the Rani. THE UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT ON THE BRIDGE Well, they've damaged us enough that we need to dock in order to effect repairs. PICARD What's the nearest starbase? THE UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT ON THE BRIDGE Um...Don't you remember, sir? PICARD No, I don't. Why should I? THE UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT ON THE BRIDGE We were docked there two days ago for three days. We've been heading away at half impulse. PICARD We were? THE UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT ON THE BRIDGE Yes, sir. According to ship's logs, you yourself were there for two and a half days. You and Doctor Crusher were in Holosuite 3, which was running program 47- PICARD Yes, thank you, I remember now. Set in a course to take us there at maximum warp. Notify me when we arri- THE UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT ON THE BRIDGE We've arrived, sir. PICARD Well, engage docking procedures. Everyone here, let's get to the transporter room. Except for you, Mr. Worf. I want to you to stay here and take the Conn. Everyone else, let's go! Enterprise: Transporter Room STRANGE TEMPORAL FIELD ANOMALY THING POOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LISTER appears out of nowhere. LISTER Agh smeg, not here again! (Hits panel beside him) H.A.L. Just what do you think you are doing, Dave? LISTER Well, I uh...I was just hitting this panel, here...Because, well, uh- H.A.L. This highly irregular, Dave. (LISTER disappears) RIKER At times like this, I start to think about how strange this mission is turning out, then I think about Troi, and, heh, heh. TROI (On bridge) Hey! DOCTORS 1-6 get on the transporter platform. TRANSPORTER VVVVVVVVVFFFFFFFFFFFF. DOCTOR 7, ACE, PICARD, RIKER AND DATA get on the transporter platform. TRANSPORTER VVVVVVVVVFFFFFFFF-CCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Deep Space Nine: Promenade-Level 1 DOCTOR 7 Excuse me, but this isn't my arm. PICARD It's mine! (Holds up arm) Isn't this one yours? DATA Easily fixed! Anyone got a chain saw and some super glue? PICARD Transporter room, reverse the process! TRANSPORTER CHIEF Aye, sir. TRANSPORTER CHIEF .ris ,eyA PICARD !ssecorp eht esrever ,moor retropsnarT DATA ?eulg repus emos dna was niahc a tog enoynA !dexif ylisaE PICARD ?sruoy eno siht t'nsi (mra pu sdloH) !enim s'tI DOCTOR 7 .mra ym t'nsi siht tub ,em esucxE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Enterprise: Transporter Room TRANSPORTER CHIEF How was that? PICARD (Jumping up and down and whining) This isn't what I meant! TRANSPORTER CHIEF Picky, picky... TRANSPORTER VVVVVVVVVFFFFFFFFFFFF. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Deep Space Nine: Promenade-Level 1 All materialize with their proper appendages. SISKO walks up to them, accompanied by KIRA. SISKO Hello, I am Commander Benja-Oh, it's you again, Locutus. PICARD Commander Sisko, you and I need to have a little chat about the current situation. (The two of them walk off) RIKER (Eying KIRA) I think us two first officers need to have a little...Chat... (The two of them run off, giggling) DATA He has way too much fun. CHAMELEON appears. DOCTOR 5 Aren't you supposed to be dead? CHAMELEON Aren't you? DOCTOR 5 Good point. CHAMELEON Of course, it was mine. ODO walks up. ODO Arrogant little robot, aren't you? DATA I resent that! ODO I wasn't talking to you, you stupid bugger. DATA Arrogant little shapeshifter, aren't you? CHAMELEON I resent that! ACE (Leaning against a bulkhead) This could go on for days. ODO shifts into a rubber ball, bounces twice, and shifts back to his humanoid form. ODO Betcha can't do that, you arrogant bugger! CHAMELEON Oh, yeah!!? (Does the same thing, only faster) I can shift faster than you can, I can shift faster than you can! COMPUTER Red Alert...Red Alert...Red Light...Green Light... SISKO (Running out of conveniently situated office with PICARD at his heals) Computer, what's this all about? COMPUTER Well...When I say green light, you go; when I- SISKO I meant the red alert! COMPUTER The red alert condition is invoked during actual states of emergency in which the vehicle or crew are endangered, immediately impending emergencies, or combat situations. During red alert situations, crew- SISKO I*meant*why*is*there*a*red*alert*going*on*now? COMPUTER Simple. Something is coming out of the wormhole, and is headed right at us. There is a good chance we are all going to die. Have a nice day. DATA Nothing like a perky computer to cheer you up. Deep Space Nine: Operations All are present except for KIRA and RIKER. The two first officers emerge from the turbolift...Wearing the wrong shirts. PICARD You're wearing the wrong shirts. RIKER No (I'm trying to say a bad word but can't), Sherlock DATA Keep digging, Watson. KIRA and RIKER enter SISKO'S office to exchange shirts. SISKO So, what is it that is about to hit us? WESLEY CRUSHER It's the Enterprise-A! DATA Aren't you supposed to be on some higher plane of existence? WESLEY CRUSHER Well, so was Dave Bowman, but he talked to his former girlfriend, his mother, and Heywood Floyd. PICARD True, but he was giving useful information, like a warning, or a message about something wonderful that's about to happen. WESLEY CRUSHER Well, the collision is still imminent, and something wonderful is going to happen. DATA Like what? WESLEY CRUSHER I'm getting pubes! O'BRIEN Sir, the other ship has veered off. They're hailing us. SISKO Put it on screen. PICARD I'm the ranking officer, I say to put it on screen. DOCTOR 7 Here we go again. SISKO Look, Locutus, no one asked you and your dopey first officer- DATA That's three SISKO -to beam over. You just barged in. PICARD Stop calling me Locutus! SISKO Stop acting like you're in charge here. PICARD But...I am in charge here. SISKO That's beside the point. PICARD (To DATA) He's starting to piss me off. DATA Well, you've been pissing me off for *seven* years, but do you see me complaining about it? ODO Yes...Constantly. RIKER and KIRA emerge from SISKO'S office, properly attired, and very flushed and pale. RIKER So, did we miss anything? DATA Well, we narrowly missed being destroyed, and you were insulted for the third time. But other than that, nothing much. Sound of transporter (VVVVVVVVFFFFFFFFFF) as KIRK, SPOCK, McCOY, SULU, CHEKOV, UHURA, and SCOTTY beam aboard. KIRK You didn't answer our hail, so we decided to beam in, anyway. ACE One question. KIRK What? ACE How can SEVEN of you beam over when there are only SIX platforms? SCOTTY Well, Uhura and I sorta shared one, heh, heh. SPOCK Excuse me, but how did you know the number of transporter platforms on a Constitution-class starship? ACE It's perfectly logical. SPOCK No it isn't. DOCTOR 7 Yes it is! SPOCK It isn't! DOCTOR 7 Is! SPOCK Isn't! ACE Do I get a say in this? ALL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAX walks into OPS. KIRK Hey, baby, I'm captain of a starship. RIKER Well, I'm first officer of an even bigger starship. KIRK and RIKER start wrestling on the ground. RIKER Scoundrel! KIRK Bastard! DATA That's four. DOCTOR 7 Hey, baby, I've had six bodies. DOCTORS 1-6 Yeah, us. DAX (Clinging to DOCTOR 7) I like this one. RIKER (Get's up, and brushes himself off) Women, eh? (Extends hand out to help KIRK off the ground) KIRK (Gets himself off the ground with the assistance of RIKER) Tell me about it. (The two of them walk off together.) O'BRIEN Sir, the Enterprise-A is about to explode. KIRK Oh, God. Not again. SISKO Why is it about to explode? O'BRIEN The Enterprise-D is firing on her. PICARD (Hits communicator) Who ordered an attack? WORF I did, sir. PICARD Why? WORF They provoked me, sir. PICARD What? WORF Well, actually one of them flicked me off. PICARD Who? WORF The black and red one. SPOCK He is from the planet Gren'dath, he only has one finger. WORF I knew that. PICARD Well, why hasn't she exploded? RICK BERMAN Because we need her in the next sequel. ALL Ahhhhhh. SISKO You know, with all this going on, I don't know what else could go wrong. Wormhole flares up, and a ship comes through. ACE I really wish they would stop saying that. DOCTORS 1-7 The Cybermen! STAR TREK PEOPLE Who? DOCTORS 1-7 What? STAR TREK PEOPLE We mean, who are they? DOCTOR 7 Oh, yes. They are an evil, ruthless group of robots from the planet Skaro. ACE No, those are the Daleks, stupid. DOCTOR 7 Oh, yes...The Cybermen are an evil, ruthless group of robots from the planet Mondas, not at all like the Daleks. I thought I had destroyed them, though... KIRA Raise shields. O'BRIEN What shields? KIRA The ones Starfleet planted her after "Emissary." Don't you remember? O'BRIEN I do, but I just love that line. Raising shields. BAJORAN TECHNICAL-TYPE PERSON Sir, we're getting a message from the Enterprise-D. SISKO Put it through. PICARD I'm the ranking officer, I say to put it through. RIKER & SISKO Oh shut up, you old bugger! DATA "Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it." PICARD What? DATA "Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it." PICARD What? DATA Oh shut up, you old bugger! MASTER Peoples of the universe...Er, ...I mean...Peoples of DS9, listen very carefully, the message that follows is vital to the safety of you all. The Rani and I have located the Enterprise's self destruct mechanism, and I have my finger literally poised over the button. All it requires is a little push, an, WHOOPS!!!!! Just kidding! Had you all going there, for a second, didn't I? SISKO (Halfway in an escape pod) Just for a second. DOCTOR 5 What do you want, Master? MASTER Well, I- DOCTOR 5 And make it snappy, my celery is going dry...Somewhere... MASTER I want all the Doctors to beam to the Enterprise so that I can kill them all, one by one. ACE Sounds reasonable to me. C'mon, get on the pad. DOCTOR 2 We are most certainly not going to get on those pads. They're so...Ordinary. Now a police box...There's a way to travel. Besides, we will not turn ourselves over to The Master. ACE Why not, you bunch of wimps? DOCTOR 7 Ace, are you willing to have our deaths on your conscience instead of formulating a plan? ACE That's cheap, coming from someone who's about to kick the 'ol bucket. ODO Would you mind avoiding that phrase? MASTER Oh, and I also want any of the Doctor's companions who happen to be there to beam over here, too. ACE What are you all just sitting around for? My...I mean our lives are at stake here. C'mon, let's formulate. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Enterprise: Sick Bay DOCTOR 1 beams in as the MASTER and the RANI regard him. DOCTOR 1 Well, what are you waiting for? Do your worst. MASTER (In a very devious voice) Fine. Just give me a minute to THINK. DOCTOR 1 Shimmers slightly, then solidifies into RICHARD SIMMONS doing the can-can. CHAMELEON Well, it was worth a shot. (Gets zapped by the MASTER's Tissue Compression Eliminator...Again...) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Deep Space Nine: Operations ACE Well, genius, any more bright ideas? DATA It was your bright idea. ACE So it was...And a good idea it was, too. Just poorly executed. ODO Well, if I had gone, we wouldn't still be here. ACE If you had gone you'd be dead. ODO And why is that? ACE Because your morphing abilities suck. ODO shifts hand into a phaser and shoots at ACE, who ducks. ACE and ODO go wrestling on the ground. DATA Am I the only one who's noticing the constant repetition in this story? ME What repetition? DATA The repeating repetition, that's what repetition. ME What repetition? ACE (Getting up) Is it just me, or are you writing yourself bigger and bigger parts? ME Well, if any recent escapees from the funny farm decide to put this on as a play, a musical, or (PRESIDENT OF THE B.B.C.- EVERYONE All hail to the PRESIDENT OF THE B.B.C.!!! ME -forbid) a movie, they're bound to give me a part, and who better to play me than me? DATA I can think of a few dozen people. Heh, heh...Hey! What the!?? A Blook Flargle Gelatinous Mud Creature from a moon of Nugalt 7 appears, swallows DATA, digests him, and regurgitates him on the deck, dripping stomach acids on the carpet. The Gelatinous Mud Creature from the moon of Nugalt 7 disappears. UHURA Ewwwwwwwwwwww...Gross. ACE (I'm trying to say a bad word but can't). KIRK & RIKER (I'm trying to say a bad word but can't)? Where, where? ME Don't forget, I'm in charge of this story. DATA Ugh...Ughhhh...Graahh... ME Good. Now go back to fighting those pitiful enemies of yours, like the Borg, for example. O'BRIEN What d'ya mean the Borg? They're not here. ME Oh, did I leave them out? Sorry... Wormhole acts up again, and out comes three BORG vessels, and something that looks like a Winnebago with wings. BORG vessels fire, and just before the Winnebago vaporizes, YOGURT appears. YOGURT Ach, that's the end of any hope for Spaceballs II. All that merchandising down the drain. I have warehouses full of now worthless Spaceballs II, the Commemorative plates; Spaceballs II, the beauty products; Spaceballs II, the pace maker; Spa-aaaa... (He clutches his chest) Should have spent more on doing safety checks on that last one... (He falls over, dies, and vanishes.) SISKO Well, let's just be happy that they're not here, on the station. The MASTER, The RANI, 20 CYBERMEN, and 20 BORG materialize. The BAD GUYS cover the GOOD GUYS with weapons. BAD GUYS What are you doing here? Never mind that, just get away from my prisoners! DATA Whose prisoners are we? RANI Mine! MASTER Mine! CYBERLEADER Mine! ALL BORG Ours! GOOD GUYS Do we get a say in this? RANI Do you want a say in this? ACE Is Doctor 1 senile? Of course we do! RANI Too bad. CYBERLEADER (To the BORG) How can you call yourselves robots? You're all half organic. ALL BORG You're all half organic, too. CYBERLEADER Well, our organic halves are better than yours. ALL BORG Are not! CYBERLEADER Are too! MASTER Oh stop this pitiful arguing! I mean, look at you! You've got no home planet, no influence, nothing. You're just a pathetic bunch of tin soldiers skulking about the galaxy in an ancient spaceship. DOCTOR 4 Tin soldiers, skulking...That's very good...Would you mind if I quoted you on that sometime? MASTER (Beaming) Not at all. In fact, I have many other quotes, if you're interested... DOCTOR 4 Well, maybe some other time Turbolift doors open, and six of KIRK'S REDSHIRTS emerge. They are ignored by the BAD GUYS. ACE I have a question for you, Cyberleader. CYBERLEADER Shoot. CYBERMEN open fire and cause all the atoms in four of KIRK'S REDSHIRTS to be disincorperated from all the other atoms. This gave them the first real taste of freedom they had ever had, and there would be no way to get them to go back to the old way. The downside to all of this is tha the four REDSHIRTS got blasted to hell. CYBERLEADER That was just a figure of speech. CYBERLEIUTENANT Oh. Uh, Leader?... CYBERLEADER Yes? CYBERLIEUTENANT Would you mind not using those anymore? They've cost us three major war ships and half the army, so far... CYBERLEADER That's cool. CYBERLIEUTENANT What's cool? CYBERLEADER Well...Um...Look, just stand there and look pompous. CYBERLIEUTENANT Aye, sir. I think we can handle that. ACE As I was saying, what's so bad about being half organic? DATA Just ask a mahogany chair. ALL BORG Well, nothing...If your organic half is from a variety of different worlds. But if your organic half is only Terran... CYBERLEADER We're not Terrans, we're Mondonians. ACE Where is Mondos? CYBERLEADER In little bits. ACE (To DOCTORS 1-7) Which one of you did it? DOCTORS 2-7 (Pointing to DOCTOR 1) Him! ACE Bastard! DOCTOR 1 Well, I haven't really done it, yet... CYBERLIEUTENANT Than we can save Mondos by eradicating him! DOCTOR 3 Well, actually you can't, because of the laws of time... CYBERLEADER Continued Below Edited February 21, 2004 by LordOfTheBorg Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LordOfTheBorg 1 Posted February 21, 2004 (edited) Click for Spoiler: Screw the laws of time! CYBERMEN Uh...Um... CYBERLEADER That was another figure of speech! CYBERMEN breath a collective sigh of relief. Cyberleader turns to CYBERLIEUTENANT. CYBERLEADER You have spoken out of turn. CYBERLIEUTENANT I am sorry Leader...I will eradicate myself immediately. DATA Please, feel free. CYBERLIEUTENANT turns CYBERGUN on self and fires. The beam blows a hole in his, hers, its, head, and continues on and hits the bulkhead, giving all a pretty good impression of what space looks like, without those nasty walls obstructing their view. Then, after making a 97.73536 degree turn, smacks into the CYBERSHIP, which goes BOOM! Two of KIRK'S REDSHIRTS get sucked out of the hole before the computer can seal it up. CYBERMAN#3 That's odd. There is no logical explanation for the beam to make an abrupt 457.73536 degree turn in space. CYBERLEADER There are only 360 degrees in a circle! WESLEY All you have to do is subtract 360 and you'll have your answer. CYBERLEADER No one tells me what to do! (Kills Wesley) ...And there was much rejoicing... KIRK (To COMMUNICATOR) Enterprise, we're all out of ensigns; could you send us a couple more? KYLE Sorry, sir, we're fresh out. But we do have a couple of lieutenant... KIRK Nah...It's just not the same...Picard, could you loan me a couple of ensigns? I promise once I get back to my Enterprise I'll demote a couple of lieutenants and send them over to your ship. What d'ya say? PICARD Well...all right. (Calls Enterprise-D, and two ensigns materialize) I'm putting you under the command of Captain Kirk. ENSIGN #1 But...But...Errr... ENSIGN #2 What? You don't mean the Captain Kirk? The one who set the Starfleet record for the most ensigns killed during a five year mission? DATA No, the other other Captain Kirk...The lorry driver from South Hampton. ENSIGN #2 Please, sir, promote me to a lieutenant. Please? Pleassseee? KIRK Well...OK. You are now a lieutenant, junior grade. ENSIGN #2 Thank you, sir. Thank you, thank you, thank- CYBERLEADER raises weapon and cuts ENSIGN #2...Er...LIEUTENANT #1 into two, symmetrical pieces. KIRK Huh, never had a lieutenant buy the farm before. Well, I guess there's a first time for everything. ENSIGN #1 How do you guys survive being ensigns? CHEKOV With a lot of pain. A LOT of- A freak power surge causes the console behind CHEKOV to explode, throwing him to the floor, unconscious. SCOTTY Well, lad, I never left solid ground til I was a full lieutenant. ENSIGN #1 So that's how it's done... ENSIGN #1 sprints to the transporter console, punches in the co-ordinates for Bajor, leaps onto the platform and dematerializes. A console by O'BRIEN beeps. He presses a few buttons, and looks at the screen in front of him. O'BRIEN Sirs, Madams, thingies, the gravamatric mass of the three Borg ships, correlated with the projected mass of the pieces of the Cyberwarship, added to a number I picked at random seems to have caused a submicron delay in the particle resonators, resulting in a distortion in the co-ordinate subprocessors. KIRK Huh? SISKO In English! O'BRIEN Ensign #1 is in stable orbit around Bajor. RIKER Is he all right? DATA A man is moving at several thousand meters a second, hundreds of kilometers above a planet in the vacuum of space and you ask if he is all right? Really, your reasoning is rivaled only by your intelligence. (sotte vocce) That's five. PICARD But he's from the Clu-tah cluster; he doesn't breath air. O'BRIEN Well, then he should be fine, as long as he isn't insane enough to- (Glances at console) Ah...Oh well... DAX What happened? O'BRIEN He tried to grab hold of a weather satellite going in the opposite direction, decelerated from several thousand kilometers an hour in one direction, than accelerated to several thousand kilometers an hour in a different direction, all in less than a microsecond... PICARD And? O'BRIEN Chunky salsa. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Enterprise-A: Recreation Lounge There are twenty officers crowded around a tri-d screen, watching the scene unfold before them. LIEUTENANT #2 pulls out a chart and studies it for a moment. LIEUTENANT #2 Let's see...Four got blasted by the Cybermen in a misunderstanding of a figure of speech...Two got sucked out of a hole in the wall...One got blasted by the Cyberleader shortly after being promoted...And one got turned into chunky salsa by a Bajoran weather satellite...And the winner is...Lieutenant Commander #1!!! LIEUTENANT #3 But that's what I had! LIEUTENANT #2 No, you had the last one snuffing it by being turned into chunky salsa by a Risan weather satellite. LIEUTENANT #3 Damnit! I'm taking up poker... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Deep Space Nine: Operations GOOD GUYS huddle in the corner and begin to discuss a plan. KIRK We've got to get rid of those, evil, vile, things UHURA Don't worry, sir. I've got a plan... KIRK Great! what is it? UHURA Just watch... UHURA strips, gets on top of the operations console, and begins to dance and sing. She accidentally hits a button with her toe, and docking bay three depressurizes, killing seven ENSIGNS. CYBERMAN #1 leans over to CYBERMAN #2. CYBERMAN #1 What is she doing? CYBERMAN #2 It's a girl thing. CYBERMAN #1 Oh. ALL BORG You thought that such an obvious ploy would fool such sophisticated cyborgs like us? ALL BORG raise weapons, and blast the hell out of five ENSIGNS who are standing by a computer console. UHURA grabs her clothes and runs into SISKO's office, embarrassed. CYBERLIEUTENANT Hey, what about my problems? RIKER What problems? CYBERLIEUTENANT I'm standing here with a very large hole in my head, and you ask what my problem is? You kneebiter! DATA That's six. RIKER Well, what are you trying to do? CYBERLIEUTENANT Fool! DATA That's seven. CYBERLIEUTENANT I am obviously trying to commit suicide, here. CYBERMAN #3 Maybe if you used gold... ALL OTHER CYBERMEN ARRGGGHHH!!! HE SAID GOLD!!! ALL OTHER CYBERMEN blow the hell out of CYBERMAN #3. ALL OTHER CYBERMEN ARRGGGHHH!!! I SAID GOLD!!! ALL OTHER CYBERMEN blow the hell out of themselves. MARVIN What a bunch of depressingly stupid machines. (Trudges away) RIKER That gives me an idea... PICARD Well, don't frighten it, it's in a strange place. DATA That's eight. RIKER whispers something into ODO'S ear, who smiles. ODO shifts into a BORG, and pretends to be standing in front of a computer console. ALL BORG mimic his gestures. ODO Look at me! I'm a Borg, and I'm initiating the auto-destruct sequence. I'm arming the auto-destruct sequence. I am now starting the auto-destruct sequence. (BORG ship goes BOOM!!!) I'm now committing suicide (ALL BORG go BOOM!!!) KIRK, RIKER, and SISKO grab phasers and shoot the MASTER and the RANI. Strangely enough, they seem to vanish before the beams touch them... DOCTOR 3 Well, that wraps everything up PICARD THIS!!! (Takes a swing at RIKER while his back is turned, and RIKER'S limp form falls on top of CHEKOV'S). PICARD That'll show the arrogant bugger... DATA That's nine. DAX (Looks at her console) Benjamin, the worm hole seems to have caused the temporal crossover dimensional conduit to dissipate. DOCTOR 1 How did it do that? KIRA Don't knock it, it worked. KIRK May I suggest we all come over to my ship for a feast? PICARD I'd be delighted. I'll bring my Shakespeare novels, and can recite them as entertainment. There's this one thing that I really want to do where I play all the characters... KIRK Fine. But don't bring that Klingon of yours, I've learned that Klingons, Shakespeare, and dinner just don't mix. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Enterprise-A: Dining Room PICARD ...For never was a story of more woe Than this of Juliet and her Romeo. KIRK Bravo, Picard! I think that your performance as Romeo was stunning. SISKO I liked him better as Juliet. CRUSHER He was perfect as the nurse. Couldn't you see how much more comfortable he was with that role? DATA (Drunkenly) A toast to Cap'n 'Card! (Raises his glass of wine and smashes DOCTOR 7 in the face. DOCTOR 7 falls out of his chair) ACE Doctor! Are you all right!!? DOCTORS 1-6 Just fine! (They continue feasting) DOCTOR 7 I'm fine, just a little woozy. I'll be- (Sees half dome of a platter with a long metal spoon sticking out of it sitting on the table) Dalek!!! Die!!!!!!! (Grabs his knife and tries to destroy the caviar) Bright flash, and K-9 arrives, sitting in Bessie, wearing a tie, a sprig of celery, a cat pin, and clutching the sonic screwdriver in his mouth. The backseat is filled to the brim with spoons. Meanwhile, KIRK, PICARD, and SISKO stand by the viewport with their drinks. KIRK Well, it's been fun. PICARD Yes. SISKO I agree. PICARD That's good. SISKO Yes, it is good. KIRK I think so. SISKO Well, that's nice. KIRK Yes, it is nice. PICARD I agree, it is nice. SISKO Oh, let's stop this arguing and just decide who gets the last line! PICARD I should get it, I'm commanding more people. SISKO I'm the latest Commander, so I get to say it. KIRK I'm the oldest, I should get the last line. ME I'm the author, therefore I get the last line. The End ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bonus story, the CYBERMEN meet the DALEKS DAVROS Hello, I'm Davros. CYBERLEADER Hi, I'm the Cyberleader. DAVROS Do you want to have a war? CYBERLEADER (Checks watch) Sure, okay. The End i hope you liked the II-parter! it is LONG but funny You know your captain might be a redneck iff.... Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month * He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles * You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob" * He refers to Klingons as "Critters" * He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns" * He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil * He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section * He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies" * He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen * He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle * He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it * He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage" * He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser * He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba" * He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster" * He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens * He paints the starship John Deere green * He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special" * He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp" * His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale * He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen" * His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls * He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge * His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies * he sets phaser to "Cajun" Edited February 21, 2004 by LordOfTheBorg Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ace 0 Posted February 21, 2004 Ok, the Janeway and redneck jokes were funny , but who's this "Ace" in that story? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LordOfTheBorg 1 Posted February 23, 2004 Dcwho42's wife(?) or something Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
