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master_q

"What if....?"

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This is from another message board:

 

 

This here is just for fun, but I actually am working on a serious story, Star Trek: Defiant, that switches the places of Janeway and Sisko and compares how each would do in the other's situation. But these are basically just parodies.

 

Imagine....

 

Captain Kathryn Janeway of the U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701

 

Captain Jonathan Archer of the U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-D

 

Captain James T. Kirk of Space Station Deep Space 9

 

Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Voyager

 

Captain Benjamin Sisko of the Enterprise NX-01

 

 

Janeway on the Enterprise

 

Chekov (in a miniskirt): Wessel approaching, Keptin...

Janeway: I'll be in my ready room.

Spock (in a miniskirt): Captain, that would be highly illogical....

*Janeway glares at Spock*

Spock: Ehem...I think I'll just go play my harp...

 

Janeway (in her ready room): *glug glug glug glug glug* Computer, replicate more coffee.

Computer: This is the 23rd Century, stupid. There are no replicators.

Janeway: Wait, I have the feeling there's something else you're not telling me...

Computer: Yes...we're also out of coffee.

Janeway: AAAAAAAAAAGGHHHH!!!!!!!

 

*Janeway bursts out onto the bridge*

Janeway: UHURA! HAIL! THAT SHIP! NOW!

Uhura (in pants): Hailing frequencies opened, Captain.

Klingon Commander: "I am Commander Ker'blach of the Klingon--"

Janeway: DO YOU HAVE COFFEE!?

Klingon commander: Um....a little...

Janeway: GIMME!!! GIMME!! NOW NOW NOW NOW!

Klingon: How bout no, (I'm trying to say a bad word but can't)?

Janeway:  SULU! TARGET THEIR WARP CORE!

Sulu (in a miniskirt): This is gonna be kewl...

Klingon: Umm...um...how about we give you back this human who's been living amongst Klingons for all her life and--

Janeway: Can she make coffee?!

Klingon: Uh....suuuuure....

Janeway: SEND! NOW!

*the Klingons beam the girl on the ship*

Janeway: Scotty, beam the coffee off the Klingon ship.

Scotty (in a miniskirt): But Captain! Ah canna--

Janeway: DO IT......

*Scotty beams the coffee aboard the Enterprise*

The Klingons: P'TAK! You shall burn in Gre'thor for--

Janeway: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of you blowing up.

Klingons: Huh? We're not blowing up.

Janeway: Is that so? *Enterprise fires photon torpedoes*

Klingons: Nevermind. *BOOOM*

 

B'Seven: Dishonorable human! I will not comply!

Janeway: You're human too, whether you like it or not, and yes you will comply, because I said so. Now put on this catsuit and go make me some coffee, damnit.

B'Seven: Coffee is irrelevant...er, dishonorable.

 

 

Archer on the Enterprise-D

 

The Borg: WE ARE THE BORG.

Archer: That's nice. Would you like to try out our Decon Chamber?

Data: Captain, I must inform you that we do not have a decon--

Archer: SHHH you stupid robot! You wanna spoil our only bargening chip!?

 

*Borg drones come onto the Enterprise and stick nanoprobes into Archer's neck*

Archer: GAK!

Troi: Captain! I'm sensing the presence of Borg on the ship!

Riker: *GASP* Where?!

 

On the Borg Cube...

 

The Borg: WE WILL ADD YOUR BIOLOGICAL AND TECHOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS TO OUR OWN.

Archer: Bio-qua?!

The Borg: JEEZ. SEE THESE DRONES HERE?

Archer: DRONE AND DRONE, WHAT IS DRONE?!

The Borg: THE PALE GUYS DRESSED IN BLACK!

Archer: Oh them. They're funny lookin' and don't smile much.

The Borg: RIIIIIGHT... *MORON* ANYWAY, YOU'RE GONNA BE ONE OF THEM.

Archer: No I won't. I'll get rescued in about an hour.

The Borg: THIS IS TNG, YOU DUMB@$$!

Archer: Take your Borg cynicism and bury it!

The Borg: *SIGH* WE HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS...

 

Later, at Wolf 359...

 

Loquarcher of Borg: I AM THE BORG. YOU SUCK. DIE.

Admiral Hanson: All ships, open fire!

*the Starfleet ships shoot phasers and photon torpedoes at the Borg Cube*

Borg Cube: *BOOOOM!!!!*

Hanson: HUH? How did we blow it up so quickly?

Some yellowshirt: It appears the Borg's main defense system was....polarized hull plating?

 

 

Kirk on Deep Space Nine

 

Kirk: *SMOOCH SMOOCH FONDLE FONDLE SMOOCH*

Kira (sitting in Kirk's lap): *SMOOCH SMOOCH FONDLE* Ooohhhh Jim....*SMOOCH*

Dax: Ops to Kirk...

Kirk: Dax, what have we talked about?

Dax: Oops, sorry...Ops to Tiberius...

Kirk: Yeah, what? I'm gettin' busy.

Dax: 13,000 Jem'Hadar warships just came through the wormhole.

Kirk: Oh great. Don't worry, Nerys, I'll be right back.

Kira: DON'T LEAVE ME!!

 

On the bridge or whatever...

 

Kirk: Dax, hail the Jem'Hadar fleet.

Dax: Yes, my lord....by the way, do you like my new miniskirt?

Kirk: Make it shorter. Now do what I said.

*com channel opens*

Kirk: This is Captain James T. Kirk to the Jem'Hadar fleet. Get the hell out of my quadrant.

Weyoun: Make me.

Kirk: OK. Worf, open fire.

Worf: Qa'pla!

*DS9 unleashes hell upon the Jem'Hadar fleet*

Weyoun: HA HA! You think that will stop me?! You are no match for the EEEEVIL Dominion! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Kirk: *sigh* You know what, you're right. O'Brien, blow up the station.

O'Brien: WHA?! Hey, I have a wife and children!

Kirk: BLOW *wink* UP *wink* THE *wink* STATION! *wink*

O'Brien: Ohh....aye, sir. *wink*

Kirk: Don't do that; it's gay and creepy.

O'Brien: Sorry sir. It's just, you're such a MAN...

Kirk: Worf, beat the crap out of O'Brien for me, if you don't mind.

Worf: Gladly sir!

O'Brien: OUCHIE!!

Kirk: Good. Now, Dax, open a hailing frequency to Bajor. Tell em we're sorry, but once this station explodes the CORBOMITE it's made up of will blow up everything in the sector, so they'd all better start praying to the Prophets about right now.

Weyoun: CorboQUA?!

Kirk: Oh yeah, didn't you know? Everything in the Federation is made up of corbomite; it blows up everything around it for about a bajillion light years.

Weyoun: Oh sh!t. Well screw this then; I'm out of here.

*the Jem'Hadar fleet goes back to the Gamma Quadrant*

Kirk: Worf, blow up the wormhole, if you don't mind.

Worf: Perhaps today IS a good day to kill!

*DS9 blows up the wormhole*

Nog: That was fun.

Kirk: Great, now where were we?

*Kira crawls out of the conference room on her hands and knees*

Kirk: Oh yeah....Dax, care to join us?

Dax: WOO HOO!! Computer, replicate 10 gallons of Ktarian chocolate whipped cream!

Bashir: Can I come too?

*Kirk stares at Bashir*

Kirk: Eh, yeah, whatever....

 

 

Picard on Voyager

 

Hirogen Hunting Vessel: I am the hunter. You are my prey.

Tuvok: Shall I blow them out of the stars, Captain?

Picard: I recommend we try peaceful negotiations in my ready room over a couple cups of Earl Grey.

Kim: Sir...they have weapons charged and aimed straight at us.

Picard: Damnit, Ensign! I'm French! I'd prefer to let the inspectors make that determination if you don't mind!

Paris: How about we run like frightened little rabbits?

Picard: That works too. Au Revoir!

*Voyager blasts off at Warp 2000, makes it back to Earth in record time.*

 

 

Sisko on the Enterprise NX-01

 

Theme music: It's been a long road, getting from there to--

Sisko: DAMNIT! Shut that crap off!

New theme music: Fly me to the moon; let me sail amongst the stars...

Sisko: Much better.

 

Hoshi: Captain. The Suliban are hailing us.

Sisko: Grr. Suliban, what the hell you want?

Suliban: Well, we're not members of the Cabal, and our ship is damaged, and...

Sisko: Wait a minute...SULIBAN? CHANGELINGS! Reed, arm photon torpedoes!

Reed: Photon torpedoes? Never heard of anything like that.

Sisko: Then fire our woosy torpedoes!

Reed: WOO HOO!!

Suliban ship: *BOOM*

T'Pol: Captain! Those were innocent Suliban!

Sisko: I can live with it. I can live with it.

Mayweather: Hi, my name is Travis--

The whole bridge crew: SHUT UP, TRAVIS!

 

Sisko (back in his ready room): Ahh...I love it when the bad guy wins.

 

 

Those are my feeble attempts. Try your own! And mix and match differently!!

 

 

LOL

 

Please, add your own.

 

(I’ll try to work on one also.)

 

 

Master Q

StarTrek_Master_Q@yahoo.com

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OMG! That was too funny!!!

:( :) :) :) :o :) :bow::bow::bow: :o :)

:huh: :P :o ;) :(

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Riker on TOS

 

(Someone gave a similar reply, but I like the concept so I’m going to use that concept)

 

Riker: Hi Uhura . . . Maybe, later on we can get a synthehol

Uhura: What!? Synthehol? Is that an expression of some kind?

*Red Alert* *Red Alert*

Kirk: There has just been a hostage taken on the planet below. I’m going down there

Riker: Sir, the Captain’s place is on the bridge . . .

Kirk: What? I’m not going to let you have the fun!

Riker: But, sir it would too dangerous for you to go down there

Kirk: I’m going down. You can come too, but I won’t be so nice next time

Them beam down to the planet below . . .. .

{I just have to quote the person that used this concept}

"Riker: I told you it would be dangerous sire, you should have listened. (pulls out phaser and stuns Kirk) Hello ladies, how may I be of service? :)"

 

Well I’m not a writer - so much of the above I will give credit the poster on that message board

 

 

I hope everyone adds in

 

 

Master Q

StarTrek_Master_Q@yahoo.com

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OMG! That was too funny!!!

:(  :)  :)  :o  :)  :bow:  :bow:  :bow:  :o  :)  :)

:huh:  :P  :o  ;)  :(

 

LMAO!!

 

Those are great lol.gif

 

 

Please, make your own. I would like to hear them

 

 

Master Q

StarTrek_Master_Q@yahoo.com

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Troi on the Enterprise NCC-1701:

 

(Troi enters the bridge)

Troi: "Captain, I just got your hail. You wanted to see me?"

Kirk: "Counselor, your out of uniform! Now go back to your quarters

and put on that mini skirt!"

Troi: "Sorry, sir, I..." (her eyes suddenly widen) "Oh! You..you PIG!!"

(Troi slaps Kirk-hard-across the face and storms off the bridge)

Kirk: "Kirk to sick bay"

McCoy: (voice heard through communicator) "Sick bay. McCoy here."

Kirk: "Bones, I need you to mix me up a serum which will prevent that

Betazoid babe from reading my mind!"

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Troi on the Enterprise NCC-1701:

 

(Troi enters the bridge)

Troi: "Captain, I just got your hail.  You wanted to see me?"

Kirk: "Counselor, your out of uniform!  Now go back to your quarters

        and put on that mini skirt!"

Troi: "Sorry, sir, I..." (her eyes suddenly widen) "Oh! You..you PIG!!"

(Troi slaps Kirk-hard-across the face and storms off the bridge)

Kirk: "Kirk to sick bay"

McCoy: (voice heard through communicator) "Sick bay. McCoy here."

Kirk:  "Bones, I need you to mix me up a serum which will prevent that

      Betazoid babe from reading my mind!"

LOL :)

 

Finally someone added something

 

 

Master Q

StarTrek_Master_Q@yahoo.com

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Troi on the Enterprise NCC-1701:

 

(Troi enters the bridge)

Troi: "Captain, I just got your hail.  You wanted to see me?"

Kirk: "Counselor, your out of uniform!  Now go back to your quarters

        and put on that mini skirt!"

Troi: "Sorry, sir, I..." (her eyes suddenly widen) "Oh! You..you PIG!!"

(Troi slaps Kirk-hard-across the face and storms off the bridge)

Kirk: "Kirk to sick bay"

McCoy: (voice heard through communicator) "Sick bay. McCoy here."

Kirk:  "Bones, I need you to mix me up a serum which will prevent that

      Betazoid babe from reading my mind!"

LOL!

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Thought of another one: Worf on the Enterprise NCC-1701

 

(The bridge doors swoosh open. Worf steps on to the bridge)

 

Worf: "Lieutenant Worf reporting for dut..."

 

(Spock, Kirk, Chekov, Sulu, and Uhura simultaneously spring from their chairs, draw their phasers, and fire, reducing Worf to a pile of ash)

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Thought of another one:  Worf on the Enterprise NCC-1701

 

(The bridge doors swoosh open.  Worf steps on to the bridge)

 

Worf:  "Lieutenant Worf reporting for dut..."

 

(Spock, Kirk, Chekov, Sulu, and Uhura simultaneously spring from their chairs, draw their phasers, and fire, reducing Worf to a pile of ash)

:clap: :lol: :laugh:

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Troi on Voyager

 

Well, here goes. It's rather long...

 

Paris: Captain, there's a ship right in front of us.

Troi: I'm sensing that there's a ship in front of us.

Kim: They're hailing us.

Janeway: On screen.

Angry Looking Alien: You are intruding in our space!

Janeway: I'm sorry, we didn't know that--

Angry Looking Alien: How could you not have known?! Everyone knows where Messinan space is, and nobody, NOBODY, crosses our borders without permission!

Troi: I'm sensing great anger in him.

Janeway: Well, we're not from around here. See, we're lost and--

Angry Looking Alien: I will not have it! The penalty for intruding on our space is death!

(The screen snaps back to a view of an ugly-looking ship against a starscape. A bright green beam lances out from the ship. Voyager shakes violently.)

Tuvok: We've been hit.

Troi: I'm sensing that we've been hit.

Kim: They're charging for another blast, Captain!

Janeway: It's crunch time, Mr. Kim!

Kim: Yes, sorry, Ma'am.

Janeway: Tuvok, fire phasers and photon torpedoes and anything else we have in there. Evasive maneuvers, Mr. Paris.

Troi: I'm sensing great anger in you, Captain.

(The fight goes on for a while.)

Tuvok: Our shields are down.

Torres: Torres to bridge, warp and impulse engines are out!

Troi: I'm sensing that we are vulnerable.

Kim: Captain! We have a problem!

Troi: I'm sensing that there is a problem.

Janeway: Mr. Kim, it is CRUNCH TIME!

Kim: Sorry. Ma'am, we have a problem!

Janeway: That's better, Mr. Kim. I know we have a problem.

Kim: It's worse than you think, Ma'am. We've been boarded.

Troi: I'm sensing an alien presence on this ship.

Janeway: Beam them off, Mr. Kim!

Kim: Transporters are offline.

Troi: I'm sensing that the transporters are down.

Janeway: Is there anything that is working?

Tuvok: Weapons are still operational.

Troi: I'm sensing that we still have weapons.

Janeway: Wait. If their people are on our ship then that means they won't fire at us. And if we still have weapons, then...

Troi: I'm sensing that the captain is getting an idea.

Kim: The intruders are heading for the bridge, Ma'am. They'll be here soon.

Troi: I'm sensing that the intruders are getting closer.

Janeway: Tuvok! Fire everything we've got at that ship! Everyone else grab phasers and fire at the next person who comes through that turbolift!

Troi: But Captain!

Janeway: It's crunch time!

Troi: Ma'am!

(Janeway gets a phaser and positions herself next to the door. Troi follows, tugging on the captain's sleeve.)

Troi: Ma'am! Ma'am, Ma'am, Ma'am!

Janeway: Stop it! I have no time for your comments right now, Counselor Obvious.

Troi: But, Captain!

Janeway: Crunch time, remember?

Troi: But Ma'am you have to listen to--

(At that moment the door opens. A person walks through the door. Not waiting to see who it is, Janeway shoots the figure. Neelix drops to the floor.)

Janeway: Neelix! What was he coming to the bridge for? Oh, no! I killed Neelix!

Tuvok: Captain, the alien vessel has sustained heavy damage. It has beamed back their boarding party and is retreating. I suggest we get out of their space before we have another similar encounter.

Janeway: But the engines are down.

Torres: Engineering to bridge, we have engines back online.

Troi: I'm sensing that the engines are back.

Janeway: Mr. Paris, get us out of here!

Paris: Aye, aye, Ma'am.

Janeway: It's not crunch time anymore, Mr. Paris. And, please, one "aye" is enough.

Paris: Yes, Captain.

(Later on.)

Janeway: So, Counselor, I believe you were trying to tell me something a while ago. Now that it's not crunch time and I don't have anything else to worry about, you may tell me.

Troi: Oh. Well I was just going to say that I was sensing that the other ship had taken their people off of Voyager and was retreating and that Neelix would be the next person through the turbolift door.

 

OK, most of that was just Troi bashing. Don't take too much offense, Troi fans. It's all in the interest of fun. And I just couldn't resist killing Neelix.

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Kirk On NCC-1701-D

 

Troi: Captain I would like you to meet my mother.

 

Lwaxanna:*Purring* It's a pleasure to finaly meet you Captain. GRRRRR!

 

Kirk: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! *Leaves gaping Kirk-shaped hole in the hull*

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I have one more

 

Porthos on NCC-1701

 

*Spock enters the bridge carring porthos*

 

Spock: Captain Look what followed me to the Bridge. CAN I KEEP HIM? HUH? HUH? CAN I? CAN I?

 

Kirk: :biggrin:

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Kirk On NCC-1701-D

 

Troi: Captain I would like you to meet my mother.

 

Lwaxanna:*Purring* It's a pleasure to finaly meet you Captain. GRRRRR!

 

Kirk: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! *Leaves gaping Kirk-shaped hole in the hull*

ROFL!!!! Why can I actually picture this happening?!

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Kirk On NCC-1701-D

 

Troi: Captain I would like you to meet my mother.

 

Lwaxanna:*Purring* It's a pleasure to finaly meet you Captain. GRRRRR!

 

Kirk: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! *Leaves gaping Kirk-shaped hole in the hull*

LMAO!!! :biggrin:

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