Takara_Soong 4 Posted July 9, 2003 Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Alas, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make ze Van Gogh." ------------------------------------------------------------- Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted. --------------------------------------- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." -------------------------------------- A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." --------------------------------------- A dyslexic man walks into a bra. --------------------------------------- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road." ---------------------------------------- Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant. -------------------------------------- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" ------------------------------------ "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." ----------------------------------- Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. ---------------------------------- An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. ------------------------------------------ Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." ------------------------------------------- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before. ----------------------------------------- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What!?! Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." --------------------------------------- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. ---------------------------------------- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." --------------------------------------- I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel. --------------------------------------- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. ------------------------------------------------ What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. ---------------------------------------------- A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
removed 0 Posted July 9, 2003 two fish were swimming when suddenly they ran into a wall. the one fish turned to the other and said "dam". -------------------------------------------------- if you tore the wings off a fly, would you call it a 'walk'? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dsbs 0 Posted July 24, 2003 lol :( My favourite: Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Riaan 0 Posted July 29, 2003 You're right. Those are groaners! :lol: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Goose 0 Posted July 31, 2003 Stardate:213581.6 My favorites are :A dyslexic man walks into a bra. and :A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says. I am still chuckling over those. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
edmcgon 0 Posted October 7, 2003 A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "You know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Bob?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lubak10 0 Posted October 7, 2003 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says. These two are my faves! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
edmcgon 0 Posted October 11, 2003 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
barry 0 Posted October 12, 2003 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?" Good one :) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
t'mir 0 Posted February 29, 2004 A man walks into a bar. he should have ducked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man hires a blonde to paint his back porch. She goes around, and then she knocks on the door about 15 minutes later. "Done!" She says with a grin. "Wow, that was quick!" Said the man. "Really? I took my time," replies the blonde. "And I really like that color you had me paint it... but you're quite mistaken, sir." "Mistaken? About what?" Asks the man. "Well, sir, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it's not a Porsche, it's a BMW!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jeanway 0 Posted February 29, 2004 ^^^ fOR SOMEONE CONCERNED WITH BEING NICE TO OTHERS, I DON'T THINK THAT JOKE WAS VERY NICE TO ANY BLONDES IN HERE, MALE OR FEMALE Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fenriz275 0 Posted February 29, 2004 I thought it was funny Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jeanway 0 Posted February 29, 2004 NO, IT WAS OFFENSIVE, THAY'S MY POINT OF VIEW Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ace 0 Posted February 29, 2004 Try not to get offended, jeanway. No one actually thinks blonds are genetically dumb; it's just a joke. Think of all the jokes I've had to suffer through from things such as late night tv and the like about people from Kentucky . We're all friends here so no harm is meant. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
t'mir 0 Posted February 29, 2004 ^^^ fOR SOMEONE CONCERNED WITH BEING NICE TO OTHERS, I DON'T THINK THAT JOKE WAS VERY NICE TO ANY BLONDES IN HERE, MALE OR FEMALE I'm a blonde myself, Jeanway... and I'm not offended. If you are, then I'm sorry, but OH WELL!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nemesis 0 Posted February 29, 2004 Jeanway, blonde is used as a generic term not an actual insult to blondes. By taking offense to it, you are giving it needless power over you. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ILIKESEVEN 0 Posted February 29, 2004 HOW CAN YOU SEE WHEN A BLONDE WAS BEHIND THE COMPUTER: A: she leaves a piece of cheese behind for the mouse B: there is lipstick on the joystick C: there is correction flued all over the screen Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
