~ A Bad mother or No Mother At All ~

[Jeanway 0]

Read this then answer please:

 

Click For Spoiler

 

There are so many of us who didn't get the kind of nurturance and love that we needed as children--the kind of nurturance that our society associates with mothers. Not having received that nurturance or gentle care can leave long-lasting effects, the least of which is a constant yearning for the love we never received, and a gaping hole of pain and need.

 

Mothering ourselves, and finding small ways to receive mothering from others, can help us heal that wound. While we may need to look for nurturance from other people at the beginning, the most powerful nurturance comes from ourselves. Because no matter how much nurturance someone gives us, if we're not truly loving ourselves or giving some of what we need to ourselves, that nurturance will wash off of us, and eventually will slam up against our self-loathing or our unending needs.

 

It can be hard to accept that we need to nurture and mother ourselves, when we never recieved it. There's often a lot of anger and pain; why should we have to be the one to do it? We *should* have recieved good love as a child. But if we didn't, there's no way we can change the past. And, I believe, the most powerful ways to meet those needs are to give ourselves that nurturing--during or after we have learned to recieve it from others, or we have experirenced a few moments of true nurturing from someone else, so that we can effectively model it.

 

You may need mothering for different ages--an infant, a toddler, a little child, a teenager. Different methods work differently for those different ages. Some, such as ones that comfort an infant, can, I believe, help heal the other ages that we didn't receive love.

 

So how do you mother yourself? Here are a few suggestions:

 

Make yourself something warm to drink.

Make a warm, comforting drink for yourself, and give yourself time to enjoy it. Drink whatever makes you feel good--warm cocoa, soup, tea, soy milk, or milk. Allow yourself to take the time to just relax and drink it slowly.

 

 

Wrap yourself up in a blanket or quilt.

Babies and children are often wrapped up to be kept warm, and also to feel secure. Try wrapping yourself up in a favourite quilt or blanket, and just letting yourself lie there for a while, without having to do anything else.

 

 

Get frequent hugs.

Good, safe touch is important. I think it's an actual need. Without it, we may feel distant from ourselves and the world. Ask for hugs often from the people you care about, and let yourself relax into them as much as you can. Take in the good feeling of hugging someone you like, and carry that feeling with you.

 

 

Ask a friend to praise you.

It's important for little children, and for older children, too, to hear good things about themselves. It helps them develop a sense of who they are, and helps them live up to those good things. Ask a friend, a therapist, or your partner to give you some heartfelt praise, to tell you something that they like and appreciate about you. Then take it in. You might want to set this up as a habit for a little while, asking for some praise once a week, or once a month. Try giving it, too; that also feels good.

 

 

Give yourself praise.

It can be hard to tell yourself good things about yourself. We're not really encouraged to do that in our society. When someone says good things about themself, they're often called a braggart, or someone who thinks themselves better than others. But that's just other people's insecurities and old, negative training. Giving yourself positive messages helps nurture your soul, your self. Give yourself as many real, positive messages, as often as you can. Make it a habit to notice the things you like about yourself.

 

 

Ask a friend, lover, or therapist to read you a story.

Having a bedtime story read to you can be a very nurturing thing. Ask someone you feel safe with to read you a story--at bedtime or any time. You might want to pick out a picture book or a children's book that appeals to you, or let your friend surprise you. Ask if it's all right to lean against them or snuggle with them while they read to you. This can help you to feel secure and nurtured.

 

 

Read picture books and children's books to yourself.

Take the time to nurture yourself. Pick a picture book or a chapter from a children's book that makes you feel good--a childhood favourite, or a new book you've discovered. Or pick any book that appeals to you. Curl up in a comfortable chair or on a bed with lots of pillows and a quilt, and tell yourself the story. Read it out loud to yourself, or silently in your head. Really let yourself enjoy the pictures on the page, or the pictures in your mind. If you find it too hard to tell yourself the story, get a picture book that comes with an audio tape from the library, or buy it at a store. Then follow the story along with the tape. You can also watch (or tape and watch) a tv show that reads picture books out loud (such as Reading Rainbow).

 

 

Give yourself a bottle, soother, or baby food.

Babies suck from their mothers' breasts not just for food, but for comfort. When babies have loving mothers, they often feel safe and secure when snuggled up to or suckling from their mothers' breasts. If you didn't receive that, you may still have that basic need inside you. Try giving yourself a bottle filled with a warm (not hot) drink that soothes you. Try not to judge or critize yourself, but just let yourself be. You may find this helps you feel safe and secure, and gives you nurturance. You can also try a soother, or some baby food.

 

 

Encourage the playfulness in you.

Children need to play. It's their way of learning things, as well as a way of expressing themselves and having fun. Fun is such an important part of feeling good. So let yourself play. Try not to censor yourself. Caring parents nurture this in children; you can nurture this in yourself. Blow some bubbles into the air. Draw a picture with crayons. Hop down the street. Jump on the couch. :angry: Make some cookies. Push a toy car around your desk. Whatever appeals to the child inside you.

 

 

Encourage yourself.

Encouragement and support is an important part of what children need. It helps children to gain confidence in themselves, to learn to follow their hearts and to be adventurous and true to themselves. Try giving yourself encouragement and support. Acknowledge when you've done something well, or you've done something kind or good, and give yourself praise. When you're having a hard time or you're doubting yourself, try to be your own cheerleading section. Encourage yourself on, remind yourself that the hard period will pass, and you'll find your way out the other side, or you'll find your way to what you need to do. Try not to criticize yourself, but rather encourage your dreams, your hopes, your true self. Let yourself express those things, and be all right with them.

 

Mothering ourselves may not always be easy to do. In fact, it may feel pretty hard at first, because really, we're not encouraged to give ourselves such nurturance and support. And, if we never received it as children, it may feel foreign or unnatural, or we may always be looking to other people to fill that void. But mothering ourselves can be incredibly nurturing, and can help us to feel happier, more confident and secure, and to be more kind and loving with ourselves.

 

[Rivendells_king 0]

strange thing I had a converstion about this with a person this week

 

She got in a fight about a person who lost her mom who died 3 years ago because she would allways bring up well my mom is dead and crap like that.

 

Well what I think is that I would rather not have a mother than have a bad one. Would you like it that your mother hated your guts and was still alive and never talked to you or had a mother that you never meet.

[BlueCrystal 0]

What an interesting question. The first time I read this I almost stopped before finishing it then I came back and read again. Ah, my mother was the perfect wife and mother, June Cleaver would have been jealous of my dear ole Mom. Well maybe not. My mother tried to understand me and believe me, I was a very difficult teenager. I didn't care about the normal things teenage girls cared about and I refused to wear make up. The young men my mother wanted me to date weren't boys I cared to be on the same planet with much less in the same room with.

 

I tend to light the old pellet stove, watch the fire, drink hot chocolate with extra marshmellows, and read and write science fiction to my hearts content. I also sing to myself. *Not a pleasure for anyone around me as I had Rubella as an infant and have a hearing loss.* I have no idea if I'm singing off key and don't care it makes me feel better.

[Jeanway 0]

OH My, such interesting and varied view points. Thank you :angry: RK and BC. So back to the question. A Bad mother or No Mother at all? RK, I see you already answered. :)

[RikerChick 5]

My mother is a wonderful mom, we're great friends. I don't know how she put up with my attitude as a teenager. On the other hand I've seen the way my former sister-in-law treats her children and I have no doubts those boys would be better off without her. She doesn't care a thing about them and has told them that to their face. I just try to be a positive female influence in their lives. So I'd say in really bad cases no mother is better then a bad mother.

[BlueCrystal 0]

I don't know. To be honest I seen the damage a bad mother can do. A bad mother can cause problems that years of Therapy couldn't fix. I have to admit as hard as I tried to *mother* my step-children I get a great deal of outward resentment from them. I often wonder if the boys would have been better had their father not remarried. The youngest of the sons stayed with Miss Bee but the oldest hated his step-father and came to be with us. I often wonder what ill effects I had on that child being so young and trying to raise him.

Edited October 11, 2004 by BlueCrystal

[Theunicornhunter 2]

I really need to give this some thought because it is an interesting question. For the record, most people have imperfect or less than ideal parents. Imperfection comes with being human.

 

There is a point when children need to be removed from a home because the parenting is so bad.

 

I have to get back with an answer.

[Gotabite 0]

I know that many children who are adopted, or for other reason have never known their mothers, often envy people who have their mothers........But the term mother carries a lot of weight and responsibility. Being a mother does not mean you have to be perfect......No one is perfect........and kids growing up, are often critical of their mothers when their parenting style restricts them from having their way, or when they feel their mothers are asking for too much information about their lives: or when their mothers make them do chores, and attend activities or go places they would prefer not to go.........Later in life is when kids better understand how much better it is to have had a mother who was so involved in their lives that she cared enough to make decisions and choices for them, than to allowed them to self destruct........The term mother is suppose to be symbolic of a parent that a child can trust. She should be a mentor, role model, protector. She is supposed to nurture, and help to build character, and self esteem within her child........And yet there are females who give birth to children, who for many reasons are not capable of, or who have no desire to do these things........who truly see their children as burdens, and respond to them in this way.......A child who learns early in life that their own mother can not be trusted, who learns early in life that their mother truly does not love them, or want them, will have serious relationship issues with anyone else, will have anger issues, self esteem issues, and will also have trouble being able to trust or love anyone........In my opinion a person with this kind of mother would be better off not having her in their lives. :angry:

Edited October 11, 2004 by Gotabite

[Jeanway 0]

"A child who learns early in life that their own mother can not be trusted, who learns early in life that their mother truly does not love them, or want them, will have serious relationship issues with anyone else, will have anger issues, self esteem issues, and will also have trouble being able to trust or love anyone........In my opinion a person with this kind of female/mother would be better off not having her in their lives."

 

 

I agree GAB :angry: Thank you. :)

[Nemesis 0]

There is no better, it all depends greatly on you and the stituation you're placed in. Do you have a loving father, do you have helpful siblings, there are way too many factors to give an answer.

[Klingonmike 0]

I just read this today....Talk about a bad mother!

 

Mother arrested for trying to sell baby

 

 

MILWAUKEE, Oct. 14 (UPI) -- Milwaukee police have arrested a 32-year-old woman for allegedly trying to sell her 6-day-old daughter to a neighbor for $10.

 

Police spokesman Ken Henning said the woman went to her neighbor with the offer twice Wednesday, the second time carrying the infant, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported.

 

The neighbor called police and directed them to the woman's apartment.

 

Police found the suspect, the newborn and a 1-year-old daughter, living in an apartment strewn with spoiled food and no refrigerator or stove.

 

The two children are now with the child welfare agency, whose officials said there were no visible signs of abuse on the children.

 

The mother, whose identify was not disclosed, was arrested on suspicion of unauthorized placement of a child and child neglect, both felonies, Henning said.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2004 by United Press International

[mj 7]

I can't talk about myself because I had the best of parents. I'm not saying they were perfect, but what they did for me and my siblings was the best that they could do, and I like the person I am today, because of them.

 

But my mother, who was born in 1931, was eventually taken from her mother, and raised in foster care by a succession of foster families, until she was on her own at age 18. She did not experience the love of a mother, either from her natural mother, or in her various foster homes. There was no love in those foster homes, just strict discipline. And in the 1940's, it was rare to be in foster homes.

 

My mother turned out very well as a human being, because of what she did have...a saving faith in Jesus Christ, and a love of God. That is why she knew how to love and sacrifice for her family, even though her young life was full of pain. She also used to read a lot.

 

My mom had one much older sister who used to visit her at the foster homes until she died tragically. Mother loved her sister dearly, and still does not like to talk about it. ( In fact, she does not like for me to talk about her early life.)

 

My mother worked cleaning homes to pay her way through nursing training at a local hospital and became an RN, and eventually married my father whom she had known since age 13.

 

She does not like to think about her growing up years, but did let us know the one thing she dreamed of was to have a loving family, which the Lord blessed her with...but she was a major reason why our family was loving, because she is nurturing and loving. Her Christian grounding is the source of her loving nature, not her family background. ( But afterwards she learned that there is pain and heartache in loving families too...we have been through a lot together as a family, especially in deaths and illnesses of loved ones.)

 

For my mother, Jesus Christ was the ingredient in her life that turned things around for her, and made her the wonderful person that her background might have suggested she would not become.

 

I could not give an either/or answer to jeanway's orignal question without bringing up the difference Christ made in a life that looked like it would only be full of pain, and turned out to be a life that was a source of life, love, and fulfillment for others. I speak of my mother's life.

[Jeanway 0]

OH mj What a good daughter you are :( Give your Mom a hug from me and tell her Jeanway said Hi. And a little kiss on the cheek too if you want. :(

[Theunicornhunter 2]

MJ, that was a beautiful tribute to your mother, and I think that was the perfect answer to the question.

[Gotabite 0]

MJ you are truly blessed to have such a wonderful, wonderful mother.