nik

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Posts posted by nik


  1. The next morning, Nik and the elves were up early again working. One elf had the hood of Nik’s Gremlin open and was standing on the bumper leaning over the engine working. The second elf was sitting on the porch with a handheld computer. He wore a pair of reading glasses as he looked at the screen. Nik was busy touching up the flames painted on the side of the Gremlin. Several of the children were running about the reindeer lazily lounging about the lawn, petting them occasionally, and feeding them alfalfa.

     

    “Hey, fat boy!” The elf working on the car spoke. “Hand me the sub-singularity transformation calibrator.”

     

    “Huh?” Nik stopped painting and looked at the elf confused.

     

    “The black thing with the handle, fatso!” The elf said. Nik handed the elf the tool and stood beside him looking under the hood. A very confused look crossed his face as he watched the elf work, and he scratched his head.

     

    “Doesn’t look like any engine I’ve ever seen.” Nik mumbled. “What kinda gas does she run on?”

     

    “Chocolate chip, peanut butter, sugar, and oatmeal-raisin.” The elf wiped his hands on his apron. “I’ve also modified the injector to accept croissants, macaroons, bagels, and chocolate, since those are pretty popular in Europe.”

     

    “Dang!” Nik shook his head and went back to work. The elf with the computer stood beside him.

     

    “Hey lardass! What the hell is this? I’m showing 153 children in some obscure Sherpa village in southern Nepal….” The elf stared at Nik over the rim of his glasses.

     

    “I thought I’d add them to the list this year…. Sorta stir things up a bit.”

     

    “They don’t even believe in you.” The elf protested.

     

    “They will this year!” Nik began chuckling and the elf shook his head from side-to-side as he scowled at the computer screen.

     

    “Have they been nice?” The elf asked and Nik nodded.

     

    “By the way, you got the girlie numbers yet?” Nik asked.

     

    “Yeah, hold on.” the elf said and began punching numbers on the handheld. “Let’s see here….. ah! Here they are! The big winner this year is Paris Hilton.”

     

    “Paris Hilton!” Nik roared. “That chicken-legged airhead!”

     

    “Well… it’s the video.” The elf replied.

     

    “I see.” Nik nodded. “Ok, who else.”

     

    The elf scanned down his list. “Brooke Shields and Christie Brinkley are down for the fifth straight year owing to the fact that men in that demographic are getting old….. Halle Berry holding steady….. Angelina Jolie a big hit with the 12 to 18 year group – Tomb Raider….. big surprise this year is Kirsten Dunst.”

     

    “Who?” Nik asked.

     

    “The chic from Spiderman.”

     

    “Oh right!” Nik said. “So anyway, give me the final numbers.”

     

    “Ok.” The elf looked back at his handheld. “Worldwide we have 849,637,575 men wanting a chic for Christmas as their first choice. Of those, 170,456,123 want somebody local, such as a co-worker or classmate. The rest want famous people with Paris Hilton topping the list.”

     

    Nik thought for a minute. “Alright, the guys who want local chics, get necklaces for the chics, but make it from the guy. Get the guys who want Paris Hilton inflatable dolls. Get the rest of ‘em Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editions.”

     

    “The elf chuckled and made notations.” As he walked away, Nik shouted.

     

    “Hey!” he said. “Make sure you check that list twice!”


  2. The next morning, the elves and Nik were up early and busily woking in the field. Nik was using a crowbar to take apart an old wooden fence lining the pasture, and the elves were behind him converting the wood into toys - video game systems, computers, remote controlled vehicles, a dirtbike, and other assorted action figures and playsets freshly packaged. The children were running around asking questions, and Nik talked while he worked.

     

    " .... so anyway, after Kringle went into the klink, Mrs. Clause took up with this news reporter from Roddenberry. Last I heard, she was making him a real nice wife. You ain't seen nothing until you seen Mrs. Clause in a -"

     

    "Hey lardass!" One of the elves shouted, interrupting Nik. "Aren't you forgetting something?" The elf ran up to Nik, his work apron flying in the cold midwest wind. Nik bent over while the elf whispered into his ear.

     

    "Oh, sh**!" Nik exclaimed. "You're right!" Nik reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded manual. He mumbled to himself as he flipped through the pages.

     

    "... see here.... undergarments.... videos.... Vixen..... Ah! Here we are!" He read for a few minutes, then stepped onto a nearby stump. Placing his fingers between his teeth, he whistled loudly into the wind and began shouting.

     

    "Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now......" Nik paused and flipped through his book before continuing.

     

    "....now Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and (I'm trying to say a bad word but can't)in'!" Nik was stepping off the stump as an elf ran up and whispered something else into his ear. Nik's eyes widened slightly, and he stepped back onto the stump.

     

    "BLITZEN!" He corrected himself into the wind.

     

    "How long will it take 'em to get here?" Nik asked an elf as he leaned against the fence drinking a can of beer.

     

    "Pulling that ugly-*buttocks* Gremlin?" The elf began. "... half a day." He took a long swig of beer and got back to work.

     

    One of girls ran up to Nik and tugged on his jeans.

     

    "What's all the toys for?" She asked.

     

    A twinkle appeared in Nik's eyes and for a brief instant his tough exterior melted as he glanced at the girl. The elves stood upright proudly as Nik looked around.

     

    "Eleven more days 'til the big day, little miss!", Nik bellowed. "This is the time 'o year when these boys shine!" Nik gestured to the smiling elves. Nik walked over to the fence, reached into the pocket of his leather jacket, and pulled out a handful of candy canes, and passed them out to the children.

     

    "Alright boys!" Back to work. "Then we'll sit back and have some of my special

    home-brewed eggnog!"

     

    Nik and the elves continued their labors into the afternoon. At that time, an object could be seen in the sky. As it approached, the image of a lime-green Gremlin pulled by eight reindeer could be made out. Nik and the elves stood and looked at the approaching vehicle.

     

    ".... Hope the boys back home remembered to put the keg in the back." Nik mumbled.


  3. I get water from the tap. (I've always had a hard time spending huge sums of money

    for fancy French spring water, which is probably just some guy in his kitchen filling

    bottles.) However, I use a Brita filter. It makes a big difference in reducing odor and

    hardness. Try it!


  4. The next morning, Nik sat on the porch with a glass of iced tea watching the scene in the back yard and reading his autographed copy of “Eclectic ‘Possum Recipes From Around the World.” During the evening, the elves had taken apart the shack they had been living in and converted the pieces into toys. By morning, they were finishing the polishing of the toys with their aprons. Scattered on the lawn in front of them were several toy cars, dolls, remote-controlled airplanes, an X-Box, an inflatable wading pool, and many assorted stuffed animals. One of the elves held up a red, fuzzy stuffed animal and shouted across the lawn to Nik.

     

    “Hey, fat boy! We invented a new toy this year. It’s called ‘Pork-Me Elmo.’ What do ya think?” Nik squinted at the creature in the elf’s hand, wrinkled his nose, and held a downturned thumb out in front of him.

     

    “You better get rid of it before the kids come.” Nik shouted. The elf shrugged and tossed the red doll over his shoulder, and it vanished.

     

    Several of the children ran out onto the porch beside Nik and stared slack-jawed at the scene on the lawn. One of the girls, tugging at Nik’s jeans, looked up at him and spoke.

     

    “How did they do that?” The girl’s eyes were wide. Nik shrugged slightly.

     

    “They’re Christmas elves. That’s what they do.” Nik and the children watched for a few minutes, and Nik finally spoke loudly.

     

    “OK, kids! Go play with the toys. Then we’ll sit down and I’ll show you some pictures of the Tooth Fairy’s new motorcycle. He got a tattoo on his right shoulder that looks just like it, too!”

     

    The kids cheered and ran out onto the lawn, swarming about the elves, who had since each sat down with a can of beer and a satisfied grin.


  5. I love those really cheesy and sometimes downright dumb karate movies

     

    Some are really good

     

    My favorites are

     

    Karate Kid #3

    Best of the Best#1

    Bloodsport

    Kung pow:Enter the fist

     

    and my all time favorite is

     

    Enter the Dragon.(because Bruce lee is the MAN!)

    162528[/snapback]

     

     

    I definitely agree. Enter the Dragon is the epitome of martial arts movies. Anything with Bruce Lee is great.


  6. A speck appears in the sky over the horizon. In time the speck grows and the distinctive teardrop shape of a hot air balloon can be made out. As the balloon draws near, figures can be made out in its red fabric. The large image of a bikini-clad woman has been sewn into the side of the balloon and above the woman, the words “Naughty or Nice?” have been embroidered. After several minutes, three passengers can be made out in the gondola. A large, muscular man in jeans and a tank top works the burner. In fact, he is the only passenger tall enough to control the burner. The other two, who only come up to his waist, have pointed ears. One is holding a beer can, while the other is emptying items out of the gondola. The reason for this becomes clear after several minutes. The flame in the burner is slowly dying as it runs out of gas, and the balloon begins a slow descent into the farm. The three passengers in the balloon are engaged in a heated debate.

     

    “We told you, fat boy! We told you! You NEED the reindeer! It doesn’t work without the reindeer!”

     

    “Hey, listen boys! Give me a break! I just thought this would be a faster way of doing Christmas. The reindeer needed a little break, so I tried this.”

     

    “Only the reindeer can do the trip in a single night, lardass!” The elf pokes the larger man in the navel. The other elf busies himself tossing a keg over the side and several assorted gift-wrapped boxes.

     

    “Haven’t you read the manual, Crisco?” The elf grunts as he pushes the keg over the railing. “The part about Christmas reindeer and general relativistic adjustments?” Both elves stop and look at the large man as he sheepishly shrugs.

     

    “It was really complicated….”, he says apologetically.

     

    “That’s why we’re here, fatso!” One of the elves begins, “To help you out! You could have asked Thistle! He’s a whiz at that stuff!”

     

    “You mean the little nerdy one with glasses?” Nik begins chuckling and the elves cross their arms and frown at him. Nik stops chuckling quickly. They all stare at each other for several minutes and Nik looks overboard.

     

    “Hey boys, we’re comin’ down! Right into that flock of sheep!” The elves and Nik all look at each other and then at their landing spot as the sheep scatter.

     

    “Give it some gas, fat boy!” An elf says.

     

    “I can’t! We’re out!” Nik tries desperately twisting the handle one more time.

     

    “What is that we’re heading towards?” An elf points as he asks.

     

    Nik cranes his neck as he looks. “It looks like a big pile of….”

     

    Both elves and Nik look at each other, and their eyes go wide as the balloon descends quickly towards the pile of manure.

     

    “SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII….”

     

    The balloon hits hard, and the gondola tips over, spilling all three into the mess. They get up quickly, grimacing at the smell and begin looking around.


  7. Finishing the analysis of a nuclear equation-of-state experiment, prepping for the midnight shift for tonight's experiment, considering the 21mm slicks for my bike, trying to figure out shell corrections for the nuclear liquid drop model we're using in our supernova calculations, planning a trip to St. Louis, planning another trip to D.C., and listening to crappy music from the 80's.


  8. I have a friend who's a lawyer, and he says that a general practice for many insurance companies is to cancel claims regardless of whether or not it's covered in the policy. They do this simply becuase few people actually check their policy to see if it's really covered. I was ALWAYS on the phone with my last health provider informing them of

    their own policy because they were doing this with me.