Berman blames devil - News Flash

[master_q 0]

News Flash - Berman blames devil

 

 

Star Trek Magazine

 

While some Next Generation cast members have sought increasingly unlikely explanations for the failure of the latest Star Trek film with Patrick Stewart blaming 9/11, Jonathan Frakes blaming the failure to hire him to direct Nemesis and George Takei blaming the fact that he wasn't given a role in the film for its lackluster box-office performance; however now for the first time the man in charge of the franchise gives his frank and unbiased opinion on why Nemesis failed.

 

"To be honest it was the devil. I mean the actual devil you know." Rick Berman explains reclining backwards in his leather office chair. "From the beginning I tried to do everything possible to get Satan on board with the project, we even offered him an executive producer credit but his henchdemons kept fobbing me off on Asmodeus, Archdemon of Torment and Misery. And when Satan finally got back to me, he told me that he'd already committed himself to Maid in Manhattan which he thought was a much more evil film and likely to spread misery and an aura of mind-numbing stupidity in its path."

 

Berman however goes on to reveal that Paramount was still deeply committed to getting Satan's approval and support for Star Trek Nemesis.

 

"I talked to Sherry (Lansing) the day after and she told me that if Satan was on board, we would have serious trouble even getting past the first weekend. So I got together with Stuart (Baird), Patrick (Stewart) and Beel( Zebub) and we recut the movie to emphasize the action scenes and jettisoned as much of the narrative coherence as we could. Satan watched it again and he agreed that it was a much worse movie now, but it didn't remotely compare to Maid in Manhattan for sheer vileness."

 

Having struck out with the devil, Berman now turned to God. God as it turned out wasn't available either.

 

"God had a thing about not endorsing any specific project. Kind of like that Prime Defective thing on Star Trek." Berman relates. "But in our conversation he did tell me that he liked Gangs of New York. I pointed out to God that Gangs of New York was just a shallow and historically inaccurate melodrama with really good production design. He told me that the same thing could be said about Deep Space Nine. The conversation just went downhill from there."

 

Now lacking the support of either Heaven or Hell, Rick Berman and Paramount were confronting the possibility of a mid-December premiere without supernatural intervention on their side. And they were desperate.

 

"Obviously we knew that opening a Science Fiction film five days before the Two Towers was cinematic suicide. I mean we weren't stupid. Give us some credit after all." Rick Berman says in defense of his actions. "So of course we started summoning demons. And then we got desperate. We would take poltergeists or spooks or even ghosts of murder victims with unresolved issues still tying them to the mortal plane but it was of no use."

 

With that phase of the project a failure, Paramount turned to exploring the possibilities inherent in other world religions.

 

"For a while we thought Buddha was going to pay off but then out of the blue he started talking about how much he liked Jack Nicholson's performance in About Schmidt. I told him that Nicholson was vastly overrated but he wouldn't listen." Rick Berman ejaculates. "Allah was a dead end from the start. He was just absolutely committed to The Hours. Everyone knows that Allah has a thing for Nicole Kidman."

 

By now the clock was running down and Nemesis was gearing up to open against competition that would inevitably crush it like a sumo wrestler stepping on a snowflake. There was only one option remaining and Rick Berman leaped for it.

 

"In the buisness Santa Claus was not considered a very credible player and he'd never signed on to a movie before. But he was our last hope, it was the right time of the year and being a saint, he had certain powers that might help put Nemesis over the top. Or at least allow it to pass 50 million dollars domestically." Rick Berman interjects. "It was our most desperate move since Bill (Shatner) had gotten Neptune, Ruler of the Seas to help out Star Trek V. And of course it failed. That fat bastard double crossed us and went out there promoting Jingle All The Way. Nobody must have told that senile idiot that bomb had been released years ago."

 

But now with Nemesis a box office bomb, Rick Berman nevertheless continues to look optimisticaly to the future.

 

"Mistakes were made with Nemesis. Mistakes that I have no trouble acknowledging." Rick Berman says while resting his hand on the human skull which is part of his voodoo altar. "First of all we hired this scriptwriter who brought in all these wierd Star Trek refferences that no one had ever heard of which undoubtedly alienated many mainstream viewers. Secondly there was too much dialog and not enough action scenes. And finally we didn't have the supernatural intervention that we needed to crush the competition once and for all."

 

Rick Berman eases himself back in his chair and looks out the window contemplating the future or perhaps just the poisoned clouds of smog drifting westward.

 

"But we at Paramount have learned from our mistakes. We're going to make another Star Trek film but this one won't have any continuity refferences or dialog. Jonathan (Frakes) will direct it. We've run into box office problems with every other director we've used this far. And of course most importantly this time when we decide to release it towards the end of December in the most crowded part of the season, we'll have the backing of Jesus (Christ), Satan (Lord of the Underworld) and a new player Saturn. If he can devour his own children, he can damn well devour the competition too."

 

 

Master Q

StarTrek_Master_Q@yahoo.com

[removed 0]

ok. berman has finally lost it. lol. :lol:

 

BUT

 

We're going to make another Star Trek film but this one won't have any continuity refferences or dialog. Jonathan (Frakes) will direct it.

 

WOO-HOO!!! :( :wub: :biggrin: :o :o

[master_q 0]

LOL

 

This is just a joke, by the way. :biggrin: (you probably know that, but just to say it anyways)

 

But I think that it’s really funny

And when we talk about Berman -who knows! He might actually believe this

 

 

Master Q

StarTrek_Master_Q@yahoo.com

[Goose 0]

Stardate:213567.8

 

 

Oh great now everybody knows why Star Trek has been so successful.Stupid Berman and his big mouth :biggrin:

 

Anyways I hope at least that he is serious about there being another Star Trek movie and Frakes directing.

[Yillara Skye 1]

LOL

 

This is just a joke, by the way.  :o (you probably know that, but just to say it anyways)

 

But I think that it’s really funny

And when we talk about Berman -who knows! He might actually believe this

 

 

Master Q

StarTrek_Master_Q@yahoo.com

I was hoping to hear it was a joke, because that is what I thought it was... :biggrin:

[TheCD 0]

I realize its a joke, but to whoever wrote that (I dunno if it was you Master Q), GOOD FUNNY STUFF :biggrin:

DOWN WITH BERMAN!!!

[roguedawg 0]

Rick Berman is a world-class idiot.

[trekzone 0]

he is also the producer of 3 ST series...

[WEAREBORG4102 0]

LOL This is hilarious!!!! I mean this actually could happen to Berman!!!!!

[shadowfigment 0]

Classic,

 

And I thought that Faustian deals had died out. Really funny Master Q.

 

:cool:

[stoned_vulcan 0]

Wow until you said that it was a joke i believed it... either im gullible.. or i have a low opinion of Berman... i think that its a little bit of both.

[gul_nodrog 2]

I don't get it.

[8247 0]

Maybe we should start a petition to have CHRIS Berman take control of Star Trek. <----------------thats great

[Neelix the cat 0]

Well, as long as he keeps his promise for Frakes to direct I am at ease.

 

He wont have Jesus's side if XI is up against The Passion 2

[Uncle Buck 0]

The Devil? Do you mean Braga and Berman and their porn ring called T'Pol?

[Star Trek Fan 0]

B&B probably sold their souls to the devil.

[WEAREBORG4102 0]

They probably did

[digifan 0]

Look at it this way - Can it be any worse when Star Trek was knocked out of first place by all things - A romanitc comedy?

 

I got an idea - Bring on a DS9 movie but leave B&B out of it.

[Odie 0]

A joke! I thought what was said about Rick Berman was the "truth"!

[scaleman 0]

Haven't i heard somewhere that there's always a little truth in something that's written? That means berman works for the devil!!!

[Odie 0]

Even though it was the joke, and good one by the way, it rings the truth. I do believe Bruman is in league with the devil.

[digifan 0]

Haven't i heard somewhere that there's always a little truth in something that's written? That means berman works for the devil!!!

Brannon Braga? I thought Berman work with the devil.